So scared of failing CTB

[DanielDanDean]

Hello everyone,

For the third time of my life I'm facing a situation where I can't see any other issue than CTB (summary : I'm in an abusive relationship with a women who isolated my from my few friends and colleagues, threatens me with ruining my life and stalk/harass me and already has done it to some of her exes, ruining their lives in the process, has turned my last sane parent against me, has lots of informations about my past and threatens me to reveal it to my workplace which would have consequences like being fired or ostracized).

I don't have any "safe" place and she monitors me with my phone location so the only place I have is my workplace.

I already tried jumping from a high place (8th floor of a building) but was like paralyzed, it was impossible for me to move further, scared by the idea of failing my attempt and facing all the consequences of the aftermath.

I'm lately thinking about the exit bag method with nitrogen but I have many philosophical questions :
- How long does it take to die if the method is successful? Is it really instantaneous ?
- I read people waking up after many hours.. is it a risk and how to mitigate it? I can't afford to disappear for more than 2 hours without facing big repercussions
- Am I normal for being so incredibly scared about all of this? Is there something to do about that fear?



Thanks a lot for reading through this post, needless to say english isn't my first language so grammar can (and will) be a bit messy.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm lately thinking about the exit bag method with nitrogen but I have many philosophical questions :
- How long does it take to die if the method is successful? Is it really instantaneous ?
- I read people waking up after many hours.. is it a risk and how to mitigate it? I can't afford to disappear for more than 2 hours without facing big repercussions
- Am I normal for being so incredibly scared about all of this? Is there something to do about that fear?

The questions are more of a medical issue than philosophical. You die bc of a lack of oxygen. If there is no oxygen for more than 3-5 minutes irreversible brain damage is happening followed by death. If there is some oxygen before you're dead your brain can keep up the most basic functions with very little oxygen. That will lead to brain damage / disability bc our brains don't care about that rather keep life alive at all costs. Do proper planning to reduce risks of failure.

 

[Worndown]

Yeah, you are in a world of pain. Her insecurities are your problem.
Besides escaping, is death the only option? It is not easy to break free, but it can be done. Sometimes walking away is better than death. I hope this is an option.
Turn off your phone and go. Pissing her off should not really worry you since she has already ruined your life. What else does she have to threaten you with?

 

[DanielDanDean]

Yeah, you are in a world of pain. Her insecurities are your problem.
Besides escaping, is death the only option? It is not easy to break free, but it can be done. Sometimes walking away is better than death. I hope this is an option.
Turn off your phone and go. Pissing her off should not really worry you since she has already ruined your life. What else does she have to threaten you with?

She knows my family, know my workplace and people from my workplace
She knows how to stalk and harass a person.
The only way I could really escape her is empty my appartment, selling my car and going to a foreign country without anything being spotted.
Since I only have an associate's diploma I'll just be fucked in terms of employment.
I don't want to go back to living in precarity

 

[Worndown]

Do you have police? They might put her off.
I went through this years ago. She would call my work dozens of times a day. Called my home phone hundreds of times a day. Just went to places I would be at. Bothered family as much as possible.
I finally went into "ghost" mode and vanished for a couple years. I would see our daughter but she did not know where I lived ir worked. She kept it up at ever decreasing levels for the next 17 years. Yeah, the break us nit easy.

If you cut her off, totally, what could or would she do? If it is less than kill you, you are winning. (she drove you here)

Cut her off. Really, what do you have to loose except her?

 

[let.me.let.go87]

I'm scared of failing too. Terrified actually. If I fail I'll wind up on civil commitment. Basically forced into therapy and to take medications and shit. And that's the bare minimum. I could wind up back in the state hospital again. Death is definitely favorable over that one. But I have to try….

 

[DanielDanDean]

Do you have police? They might put her off.
I went through this years ago. She would call my work dozens of times a day. Called my home phone hundreds of times a day. Just went to places I would be at. Bothered family as much as possible.
I finally went into "ghost" mode and vanished for a couple years. I would see our daughter but she did not know where I lived ir worked. She kept it up at ever decreasing levels for the next 17 years. Yeah, the break us nit easy.

If you cut her off, totally, what could or would she do? If it is less than kill you, you are winning. (she drove you here)

Cut her off. Really, what do you have to loose except her?

I have Police but she has contacts in the police force.

What would she do? She could get me fired / ostracized at work, harass me, destroy my car, harass my family and turn them against me while being seen as a victim..

 

[Worndown]

Are her contacts in the police department afraid of her too? Are they willing to risk their careers for her?

You can die if that is the only way out. You might as well try fighting first. What do you really have to loose.

 

[DanielDanDean]

I'm really angry for the time being
I found a nitrogen bottle with a 24x32 output but I can't find a regulator which controls the flow rate in L/min with this size, I only find 21,8x1/14 ones.
It seems that there are no "converters" from one format to the other, I'm nearly crying now.. please give me an escape..

 

[Gangrel]

I'm just really sorry for you my friend, sending lots of love and hugs, strenght brother