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AJ95

AJ95

24/7 sylvia plath
Sep 3, 2020
478
Hey everyone,

You guys might have seen my thread about a week ago when I decided to try and ctb, it's here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/tonight-is-the-night-its-time-to-say-goodbye.52089/

Obviously, I'm not dead, despite my best efforts. Here is a brief overview of what happened:

After I drank the SN I felt fine for a few minutes, then started to feel my heart racing and I got dizzy as well. I said goodbye to the people in the chat and then went to go lie down, hoping I'd just pass out and die. Unfortunately that's not what happened.

Almost the second I moved away from my computer a hugely intense wave of nausea overwhelmed me, I can normally keep myself from throwing up but after lying down for a few seconds and trying to breathe deeply to stop it I knew that I was going to be sick. I crawled to the bathroom and turned the lights on and threw up a few times into the toilet, my parents woke up (I'm guessing from the noise) and found me. They had known I was feeling suicidal and I think suspected (but didn't know) that I had SN, but as soon as they saw me I think they knew what had happened. Dad called 000 (the emergency line here) and mum went into my room and found the SN, my glasses, measuring equipment, etc.

I was semi conscious at this point and curled up on the floor, threw up a couple more times, and was extremely cold to the point that I was shivering and shaking quite a lot.

The police and paramedics arrived pretty much at the same time, followed by police rescue maybe 10 or 15 minutes later. They gave me oxygen, a cannula in each arm (extremely painful) and tried to keep me talking, my blood oxygen at this point was 88%, and after a few minutes went up to I believe 91 or 92%. I was feeling very sorry for myself and just trying to stay conscious at this point.

Once police rescue were there they brought in a stretcher and tried to get me down the stairs into the ambulance, this is around the point I lost consciousness, they had me on a stretcher and were trying to get me around a very sharp bend in the stairs in my house.

In the ambulance the weirdest part was how nonchalant they all were, just chatting very casually about me while I faded in and out of consciousness, they had a weird oxygen mask over my mouth and nose and I was still shaking from cold, they wouldn't give me a blanket either.

I vaguely remember being rained on as they took me into the hospital, and there were so many people around me, they had the poisons information on the line and were talking about a case of a girl in California who had died from only 1g of SN, they had weighed the container found in my room and estimated I'd taken 50g, in reality it was only 20, I'd just prepared two doses.

My methemoglobin was at 58% while in there and my SpO2 dropped as low as 66%, they cut my top off and pulled my pants off and covered me with those ECG stickers, when I removed them there were a ton of them. They started to treat me with methylene blue (140mg in two doses according to my discharge summary, I remember them discussing that I could have up to 5mg/kg) and it was after this (not sure how long) that I regained consciousness completely. I was freezing cold and had one of the people holding an oxygen mask over my face, they were talking about intubating me and moving me to the ICU but apparently there were no beds available there, they told me they were going to intubate me but decided against it because my oxygen saturation was already very low and I was "GCS 15" which seems to refer to a Glasgow Coma Scale, meaning I was conscious.

Anyway after a bit everything seemed to settle down, my SpO2 was going up and my methemoglobin was going down, I was still supposed to go to the ICU but ended up staying in the resuscitation bay because there was no space. My parents came in, that was the hardest bit for me. My dad's eyes were so red, it was obvious that he'd been crying a lot. They went home around 5:30am, and I wasn't able to sleep. This is about 4.5hrs after I took the SN.

The head doctor at the ED, a lovely woman named Eva, came and had a very blunt chat with me. She asked where I got the SN (I just said "online") and told me that it was a very close call, I was only minutes from death and I was really fighting for oxygen at one point. That was pretty interesting to hear since it didn't feel like a close call at all, I was conscious or semi-conscious for most of it and didn't need to be intubated. Even though I was in intensive care I wasn't actually admitted to the ICU.

After spending the rest of that day in the ED I was medically cleared once my methemoglobin was normalized and sent to the psychiatric ward under a mental health order, worth noting that this was less than 24 hours after I took the SN, things worked really fast.

The thing that really, really irritates me is how they talked to me about what would happen with the psychiatric ward, first it was "maybe it wouldn't even be effective for you, maybe you'll stay for a day or so" then it was "maybe just a day or two", then once I was there Friday I was told that I'd have to stay the whole weekend at least because there are no psychiatrists there over the weekend (how this is possible in a major hospital I have literally no idea)

After a couple of days in the psych ward I started to literally lose my fucking mind from boredom (no leave, nothing to do) and on Monday begged them to discharge me, with my parents permission they sent me home and now I'm on a waiting list for a residential program, a private hospital that I'd go to for 3-4 weeks for full time care, me agreeing to go there was a condition of my discharge :/

Anyway! That's about it, if anyone has any questions I'd be happy to answer them, or even upload a copy of my discharge summary with all personal info removed, it summarises what happened.

I think I'm going to try and take things easy for a bit, I don't feel any different in terms of mood and the psych ward staff put me on an antipsychotic, lurasidone, which has been making me feel really blunted. I'm considering just not taking it, I've read that it can cause permanent issues with your brain.

Here are some of the things I've taken away from this incident though:
  • The SN was completely painless, not even a tummy ache.
  • The nausea was bad but the actual throwing up wasn't any worse than if you drink too much.
  • Maybe the 20g I took was excessive? I almost died and only had it down for 5-10 mins, maybe 10g would be a better idea if it didn't make me throw up.
  • Definitely need to fast longer than the 6 hours I did, I still had a lot of dinner in my vomit.
  • Dress warmly! I was very cold although I was lying on a tiled bathroom floor.
Edit: I forgot about this one until now, but I feel like using SN as an enema could be the best way to take it, assuming it's able to be absorbed that way. There would be no nausea or risk of vomiting it up that way.

As for where to go now, I don't know. Both my parents and the doctors asked me if I feel different after this attempt, and the honest answer is no. I don't feel any better. I don't feel some life-changing realization after almost dying.

Still depressed and suicidal, but I have no plans at the moment. My SN and my metoclopramide is gone so I'll have to start from scratch.

Love,

Ava
 
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Lilacmoon

Lilacmoon

Beautiful moon, take me away.
Sep 23, 2020
1,308
I love you so much. I'm so sorry you have to live in pain. But... as selfish as it is, I'm glad to have you back. -hugs and more hugs and kisses and snuggles- You're one of my first friends here. It was so hard.

We'll be here for you and support you no matter what. Thank you for always doing your best to help everyone you can on the forum. You're one of the angels, for sure.
 
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Frauw

Frauw

Nothing lasts
Oct 31, 2020
166
Sounds like it would have been a success if you were not found, I'm glad you are okay regardless of circumstance.
 
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SmellyRat

SmellyRat

Arcanist
Nov 5, 2018
479
Damn, thank you for explaining how it was, and hope you are ok:heart:

15g would have probably been more ideal thats what im going to do. 20-25 just seems excessive.
giphy.gif
 
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GravityUtilizer

GravityUtilizer

Born to lose
May 22, 2020
737
Wow welcome back from the dead. Fuck! Glad you're sounding ok and appreciate you thinking about us lot too x
 
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Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Always was, is, and always shall be.
Jun 22, 2020
6,082
My methemoglobin was at 58%
I'm glad you're ok and appreciate that you came back to give us details of what happened.

58%. That's on the low side.

So if you were not found you would have died. It sounds like you did not completely lose consciousness at any point is that correct? You lost it while they were carrying you out but were conscious again in the ambulance. If you never completely lost consciousness that's unusual. I read the methemoglobulin needs to reach 70% for it to be fatal. Apparently your body was able to handle it well.
 
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G

Ghost2211

Archangel
Jan 20, 2020
6,015
It's good to see you again, but also sorry you didn't get the peace you desired. Thank you for sharing this. I'm so sorry to hear they will make you stay in a hospital so long, but it's also good to hear your parents care.
 
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Cursed4ever

Cursed4ever

I Want Everything to Stop
Oct 9, 2020
175
Welcome Back Beautiful
Hugsssss
We All Hope You're Ok
Peace
 
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AJ95

AJ95

24/7 sylvia plath
Sep 3, 2020
478
That's on the low side.

So if you were not found you would have died. It sounds like you did not completely lose consciousness at any point is that correct?
I was completely out for a bit while I was being taken from the house to the ambulance, and then came to again in the ambulance, I'm not sure how long it was but I'm estimating 10 mins, maybe longer.
 
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succor

succor

tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down
Oct 28, 2020
103
Thank you for such a thorough account of your experience. I hope you find relief in one way or another. SN is one of the methods I'm considering but I've been on the fence for a while. It's helpful to hear from people with firsthand experience.
 
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woxihuanni

woxihuanni

Illuminated
Aug 19, 2019
3,298
Made a lot of sense to go to the bathroom to throw up, I see. Once I see the avatar and the AF-like cutesy drama making, I should have put on ignore.
 
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LonelyDude15

LonelyDude15

Currently Spiraling
Sep 26, 2020
276
I love how nicely you were treated by the hospital staff. I guess that's what it's like to not be black lol :').
 
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MiseryLovesMyCompany

MiseryLovesMyCompany

Arcanist
Oct 8, 2020
482
Welcome back! :hug:
It's nice to see you again, even though you did not achieve your goal. Thank you for the detailed explanation of events. Take it easy for now. :hug:
 
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AJ95

AJ95

24/7 sylvia plath
Sep 3, 2020
478
Thank you for such a thorough account of your experience. I hope you find relief in one way or another. SN is one of the methods I'm considering but I've been on the fence for a while. It's helpful to hear from people with firsthand experience.
Happy to :) if you have any questions leave them here or dm me

I love how nicely you were treated by the hospital staff. I guess that's what it's like to not be black lol :').
They were all really lovely except the psychiatrists who I found deceitful

Made a lot of sense to go to the bathroom to throw up, I see. Once I see the avatar and the AF-like cutesy drama making, I should have put on ignore.
Not really sure what this means sorry
 
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Lilacmoon

Lilacmoon

Beautiful moon, take me away.
Sep 23, 2020
1,308
I love how nicely you were treated by the hospital staff. I guess that's what it's like to not be black lol :').
I'm asian and for what it's worth, hospital staff is really mean. They don't seem to care much about when you're in pain, haha. And the students think they know everything...
 
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Green Destiny

Green Destiny

Life isn't worth the trouble.
Nov 16, 2019
871
Hey there, sorry to hear that you have to go through the psychiatric ringer after this. Hope you're doing ok.
 
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Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Always was, is, and always shall be.
Jun 22, 2020
6,082
I will go back and read over your preparations. I don't recall you doing anything wrong in preparing. I recall you took some gaviscon. Had you tested the purity of the SN?
 
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L

lifesucksxoxo

Member
Nov 3, 2020
49
Hey everyone,

You guys might have seen my thread about a week ago when I decided to try and ctb, it's here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/tonight-is-the-night-its-time-to-say-goodbye.52089/

Obviously, I'm not dead, despite my best efforts. Here is a brief overview of what happened:

After I drank the SN I felt fine for a few minutes, then started to feel my heart racing and I got dizzy as well. I said goodbye to the people in the chat and then went to go lie down, hoping I'd just pass out and die. Unfortunately that's not what happened.

Almost the second I moved away from my computer a hugely intense wave of nausea overwhelmed me, I can normally keep myself from throwing up but after lying down for a few seconds and trying to breathe deeply to stop it I knew that I was going to be sick. I crawled to the bathroom and turned the lights on and threw up a few times into the toilet, my parents woke up (I'm guessing from the noise) and found me. They had known I was feeling suicidal and I think suspected (but didn't know) that I had SN, but as soon as they saw me I think they knew what had happened. Dad called 000 (the emergency line here) and mum went into my room and found the SN, my glasses, measuring equipment, etc.

I was semi conscious at this point and curled up on the floor, threw up a couple more times, and was extremely cold to the point that I was shivering and shaking quite a lot.

The police and paramedics arrived pretty much at the same time, followed by police rescue maybe 10 or 15 minutes later. They gave me oxygen, a cannula in each arm (extremely painful) and tried to keep me talking, my blood oxygen at this point was 88%, and after a few minutes went up to I believe 91 or 92%. I was feeling very sorry for myself and just trying to stay conscious at this point.

Once police rescue were there they brought in a stretcher and tried to get me down the stairs into the ambulance, this is around the point I lost consciousness, they had me on a stretcher and were trying to get me around a very sharp bend in the stairs in my house.

In the ambulance the weirdest part was how nonchalant they all were, just chatting very casually about me while I faded in and out of consciousness, they had a weird oxygen mask over my mouth and nose and I was still shaking from cold, they wouldn't give me a blanket either.

I vaguely remember being rained on as they took me into the hospital, and there were so many people around me, they had the poisons information on the line and were talking about a case of a girl in California who had died from only 1g of SN, they had weighed the container found in my room and estimated I'd taken 50g, in reality it was only 20, I'd just prepared two doses.

My methemoglobin was at 58% while in there and my SpO2 dropped as low as 66%, they cut my top off and pulled my pants off and covered me with those ECG stickers, when I removed them there were a ton of them. They started to treat me with methylene blue (140mg in two doses according to my discharge summary, I remember them discussing that I could have up to 5mg/kg) and it was after this (not sure how long) that I regained consciousness completely. I was freezing cold and had one of the people holding an oxygen mask over my face, they were talking about intubating me and moving me to the ICU but apparently there were no beds available there, they told me they were going to intubate me but decided against it because my oxygen saturation was already very low and I was "GCS 15" which seems to refer to a Glasgow Coma Scale, meaning I was conscious.

Anyway after a bit everything seemed to settle down, my SpO2 was going up and my methemoglobin was going down, I was still supposed to go to the ICU but ended up staying in the resuscitation bay because there was no space. My parents came in, that was the hardest bit for me. My dad's eyes were so red, it was obvious that he'd been crying a lot. They went home around 5:30am, and I wasn't able to sleep. This is about 4.5hrs after I took the SN.

The head doctor at the ED, a lovely woman named Eva, came and had a very blunt chat with me. She asked where I got the SN (I just said "online") and told me that it was a very close call, I was only minutes from death and I was really fighting for oxygen at one point. That was pretty interesting to hear since it didn't feel like a close call at all, I was conscious or semi-conscious for most of it and didn't need to be intubated. Even though I was in intensive care I wasn't actually admitted to the ICU.

After spending the rest of that day in the ED I was medically cleared once my methemoglobin was normalized and sent to the psychiatric ward under a mental health order, worth noting that this was less than 24 hours after I took the SN, things worked really fast.

The thing that really, really irritates me is how they talked to me about what would happen with the psychiatric ward, first it was "maybe it wouldn't even be effective for you, maybe you'll stay for a day or so" then it was "maybe just a day or two", then once I was there Friday I was told that I'd have to stay the whole weekend at least because there are no psychiatrists there over the weekend (how this is possible in a major hospital I have literally no idea)

After a couple of days in the psych ward I started to literally lose my fucking mind from boredom (no leave, nothing to do) and on Monday begged them to discharge me, with my parents permission they sent me home and now I'm on a waiting list for a residential program, a private hospital that I'd go to for 3-4 weeks for full time care, me agreeing to go there was a condition of my discharge :/

Anyway! That's about it, if anyone has any questions I'd be happy to answer them, or even upload a copy of my discharge summary with all personal info removed, it summarises what happened.

I think I'm going to try and take things easy for a bit, I don't feel any different in terms of mood and the psych ward staff put me on an antipsychotic, lurasidone, which has been making me feel really blunted. I'm considering just not taking it, I've read that it can cause permanent issues with your brain.

Here are some of the things I've taken away from this incident though:
  • The SN was completely painless, not even a tummy ache.
  • The nausea was bad but the actual throwing up wasn't any worse than if you drink too much.
  • Maybe the 20g I took was excessive? I almost died and only had it down for 5-10 mins, maybe 10g would be a better idea if it didn't make me throw up.
  • Definitely need to fast longer than the 6 hours I did, I still had a lot of dinner in my vomit.
  • Dress warmly! I was very cold although I was lying on a tiled bathroom floor.
As for where to go now, I don't know. Both my parents and the doctors asked me if I feel different after this attempt, and the honest answer is no. I don't feel any better. I don't feel some life-changing realization after almost dying.

Still depressed and suicidal, but I have no plans at the moment. My SN and my metoclopramide is gone so I'll have to start from scratch.

Love,

Ava
What does SN mean?
 
GravityUtilizer

GravityUtilizer

Born to lose
May 22, 2020
737
Sorry no.
 
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A

Aap

Enlightened
Apr 26, 2020
1,856
This is EXACTLY the opposite takeaway you should be having. 25g. I don't know how on earth you can read that and take away 15g is ideal. It is not.
 
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Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Always was, is, and always shall be.
Jun 22, 2020
6,082
Made a lot of sense to go to the bathroom to throw up, I see. Once I see the avatar and the AF-like cutesy drama making, I should have put on ignore.
What is significant about throwing up in the bathroom? What is AF like cutesy drama making?
 
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AJ95

AJ95

24/7 sylvia plath
Sep 3, 2020
478
I will go back and read over your preparations. I don't recall you doing anything wrong in preparing. I recall you took some gaviscon. Had you tested the purity of the SN?
I didn't test it because I got it directly from a laboratory supplier and it was marked as "laboratory grade" so I assumed it would be very high quality.
 
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Lilacmoon

Lilacmoon

Beautiful moon, take me away.
Sep 23, 2020
1,308
I didn't test it because I got it directly from a laboratory supplier and it was marked as "laboratory grade" so I assumed it would be very high quality.
I don't remember where, but I read somewhere that "food grade" is usually considered better than "laboratory grade" for our purposes? Don't cite me on this, I'm pretty stupid.
 
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SmellyRat

SmellyRat

Arcanist
Nov 5, 2018
479
I don't remember where, but I read somewhere that "food grade" is usually considered better than "laboratory grade" for our purposes? Don't cite me on this, I'm pretty stupid.

Interesting. The problem is PN has never bothered to state if it matters if its food or lab grade.
There is many conflicting SN experiences that it makes you wonder.
 
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Lost in a Dream

Lost in a Dream

He/him - Metal head
Feb 22, 2020
1,805
I'm sorry that you are now going through this psych-ward BS, especially the 3-4 weeks of "full time care" as they like to call it. I can't even imagine what that would be like. The worst I've been through was 3 days and then I could leave (probably because I had not attempted yet, just opened up about wanting to do it).

Aside from those things, I'm glad you're okay, but sorry that you still want out while being kept alive against your will. Maybe things will work out better for you if you decide to try again or maybe somehow you can find a reason to live and be happy about it. Whichever one happens, I wish the best for you.
 
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lonelymountaingirl

lonelymountaingirl

just passing through
Oct 21, 2020
55
Your story is crushing and sad and as much you wish you'd made it all the way, there are four words that may seem in some way hopeful if or when you choose to head back to the bus stop:

better luck next time

Your posts have been super-informative and hope to see you again after your time in 'res'.
 
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Meditation guide

Meditation guide

Always was, is, and always shall be.
Jun 22, 2020
6,082
I didn't test it because I got it directly from a laboratory supplier and it was marked as "laboratory grade" so I assumed it would be very high quality.
Do you know if it had an anti caking agent in it?
I don't remember where, but I read somewhere that "food grade" is usually considered better than "laboratory grade" for our purposes? Don't cite me on this, I'm pretty stupid.
Interesting.... There must be some difference. I saw on one lab supply company's site they have at least 12 different grades and types of SN and they all have technical names which mean nothing to me.... So there is a big difference in types apparently.

I found this:
Normally Food Grade is a LOWER quality than Lab Grade. Lab Grade normally has exhaustive testing on it to determine all impurities. The lab is using this as a reagent and they need to know all that. Food grade means that it won't cause human disease.
 
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HelloHell

HelloHell

Arcanist
Dec 26, 2019
443
Welcome back!
Thank you for explaining the detail of what happened
Sorry you didn't manage to ctb, but i'm glad you're back here
 
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U

Umbrellaterm

All parents are evil incarnate
Oct 22, 2020
308
It's important to edit your post and include after "SN was painless" that you only lasted a minute until you crawled to your parents rescue.


You also threw up several times with the stat dose regime. If you really, really wanna die you go with 48 hour regime but that's just my opinion.

Mooncide who was filmed during her attempt showed that she didn't stop breathing after several minutes and she said "fuck" three times as if she was in pain. She also groaned a lot,
 
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