Venting So close

[willitpass]

So long as my pharmacy doesn't delay refilling my prescription (as they have a long standing history of doing as this is a very uncommon medication that they have to special order and they frequently forget) then I should be able to pick up my last med for my cardiac cocktail in a week. I'm so close to the end, so long as all goes well. I've been planning on booking a hotel for Sunday evening-Tuesday morning late check out and CTB on Sunday night, but part of me wants to book for early check in Monday-Late check out Wednesday. I could go on a walk in nature one last time before checking in on Monday that way. I have plans all day Saturday Sunday so I would not get to do that if I go on Sunday. I think I just need to feel out how I'm feeling on Sunday to determine whether or not I am willing to wait a few more hours.

 

[Tonkpils]

You could call the pharmacy and remind them what happened last time, say your refill is on x date and you were really affected last time so trying to avoid a repeat occurrence etc. Wishing you the best!

 

[willitpass]

I think I'll move the desk/furniture in the room to barricade the door to my room. The layout of the hotel isn't the most conducive to putting up a curtain with a warning note, and I fear they would come in to check if I was actually dead anyway. I was looking on reddit at people talking about hotel suicide and someone said they had a family member who chained the door shut and they had to call the fire department to get the door open, so the hotel workers never saw them. If I barricade the door they'll have to get police or fire to get it open and the hotel workers will be spared my body.

 

[willitpass]

I made a list of everything I'll want/need to bring to the hotel to make sure I don't forget anything.

 

[willitpass]

I hope my cat doesn't go into a depression. I was in the hospital for a week once for medical issues and she was quite upset. The person watching her said she was aggressive and territorial towards other cats and extremely clingy towards the person watching her (not her normal behavior). She also peed on the floor despite never having done that otherwise. I don't know how she'll fare without me. I'm trying to love her as much as I can this week.

 

[XdragonsoulX]

I hope my cat doesn't go into a depression. I was in the hospital for a week once for medical issues and she was quite upset. The person watching her said she was aggressive and territorial towards other cats and extremely clingy towards the person watching her (not her normal behavior). She also peed on the floor despite never having done that otherwise. I don't know how she'll fare without me. I'm trying to love her as much as I can this week.

Maybe you can book her stay at a pet hotel before your trip, giving her lots of love this week would be good for her tho. My cat gets upset and clingy when I'm gone for a while too. Honestly they're the hardest ones to say goodbye to

 

[Mirrory Me]

I hope my cat doesn't go into a depression. I was in the hospital for a week once for medical issues and she was quite upset. The person watching her said she was aggressive and territorial towards other cats and extremely clingy towards the person watching her (not her normal behavior). She also peed on the floor despite never having done that otherwise. I don't know how she'll fare without me. I'm trying to love her as much as I can this week.

They act like that while they are actually scared of something that isn't familiar to them.

 

[willitpass]

They act like that while they are actually scared of something that isn't familiar to them.

She was in a familiar environment with people and cats she knew. The only outlying variable was my absence.

Maybe you can book her stay at a pet hotel before your trip, giving her lots of love this week would be good for her tho. My cat gets upset and clingy when I'm gone for a while too. Honestly they're the hardest ones to say goodbye to

I'll be loving her this week. I'll give her wet food for dinner several times this week as a treat. I think a pet hotel would stress her out more as she hates new places. I plan on leaving her with plenty of extra food and water to last her until I anticipate my family being notified. Once they're notified that I'm gone they'll know they need to go get her. And I know who they'll end up having take her, and I trust them to love on her very well and take wonderful care of her.

 

[Mirrory Me]

She was in a familiar environment with people and cats she knew. The only outlying variable was my absence.

In a way, you can think of it like a child going to school alone. Some get along better there, others don't.

 

[willitpass]

In a way, you can think of it like a child going to school alone. Some get along better there, others don't.

That's where my concern lies though. She acted differently when I wasn't there with her. I'm hoping with enough time she will be able to move on without me and settle back into her normal behavior. She is normally extremely calm and friendly. And very playful. A kitten at heart truly. Hopefully my loss doesn't permanently alter her behavior.
Spending my last days in the most useless, meaningless ways possible. I feel no joy in anything. I just lay in bed and scroll. I think I've seen every new thread here. I've exhausted my ability to entertain anything else. Just mindlessly refreshing. Waiting for something to spark a little bit of serotonin for a brief few seconds.

 

[ladylazarus4]

I've been following your threads for the last month and a half or so and, while I don't know you obviously, you seem like a wonderful person with especially high levels of empathy. I understand that you are in so much pain and I truly wish that you never had to go through such torture especially at such early ages. I will miss you very much and I hope that you are able to find peace and that your suffering will be over. I wish it didn't have to be this way.

 

[willitpass]

It's starting to reach the point of "lasts" now. Last time seeing certain people, last time going to class, last time going to certain places. When you've tried to off yourself four times and had even more near attempts it starts to loose its strength. I've had my "lasts" too many times to count before. It's like suicide has just become yet another thing. It's hard to grasp the gravity of it when I've thought I was on my last day more times than I've celebrated Christmas. My last week before I die has about as much meaning as another day at work.

 

[Gangrel]

Anything we can do so you don't have to make the choice of leaving? we will miss you to be honest.

 

[koipu1337]

So long as my pharmacy doesn't delay refilling my prescription (as they have a long standing history of doing as this is a very uncommon medication that they have to special order and they frequently forget) then I should be able to pick up my last med for my cardiac cocktail in a week. I'm so close to the end, so long as all goes well. I've been planning on booking a hotel for Sunday evening-Tuesday morning late check out and CTB on Sunday night, but part of me wants to book for early check in Monday-Late check out Wednesday. I could go on a walk in nature one last time before checking in on Monday that way. I have plans all day Saturday Sunday so I would not get to do that if I go on Sunday. I think I just need to feel out how I'm feeling on Sunday to determine whether or not I am willing to wait a few more hours.

I'm so happy for you - death is the ultimate destination and release from this pain and suffering.

 

[willitpass]

Anything we can do so you don't have to make the choice of leaving? we will miss you to be honest.

No. My whole life has been leading up to this. I was severely traumatized by my mom at the age of 6. I became depressed and started self harming at 9. I was suicidal by 10. My first near attempt was at 12. My first attempt was at 13. I've tried every talk therapy program, too many meds to count, ECT, spent over 2 years combined inpatient/in residential, every life style change you can name. You name it I've tried it. I've had 4 serious attempts already in my life. My mind is simply just fucked up. There is nothing that has nor can fix me. I got too sick at too young of an age, my mind couldn't develop properly. I have so many good things going for me yet I am still living in hell every day of my life. I can't be saved. The only reprieve for me is death.

I'm so happy for you - death is the ultimate destination and release from this pain and suffering.

I'm not happy. I don't want to do this. I have many things in life that are amazing, if only I was mentally well enough to be able to enjoy them. If I was not sick I would have a wonderful life. But I have tried it all. There is nothing left. I will be leaving behind many people who love and care for me who will be devastated. I am not happy that it has come to this.

 

[Silent_cries]

Are you doing vsed or od? I'll miss you too. Hope you find peace, I'll think of you and remember to greet Ash from me if you see her. Good luck and please stay safe! Sending you lot's of love and wishes. <3

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I know we haven't talked much. I've only been on this forum for a few months and only talk in private with very few people. Tbh I wish I made an account sooner instead of lurking for years, and got to know you better. You being gone also means that there's 1 less person in healthcare who actually has empathy for patients and wants to do right by them. I understand that death is the only way out from your suffering, and I respect your decision. I just think that you deserved better.

Going forward, I aspire to show patients the kind of compassion that you have for people, although I likely won't be building patient-provider relationships the same way you did. I'm an ER tech and want to switch to EMS later on after I get my driver's license reinstated, because the qualifications for ER techs and EMTs are basically the same. Anything in EMS or the ER is generally much faster paced, but that doesn't make bedside manner any less important. I hope that by showing patients that I care, the same way you showed people that you care about them, I can make at least a small difference for them.

 

[willitpass]

I'll be picking up a couple extra bottles of visine tomorrow. I think I want to build up a stock. If by some fucked up force of nature I survive the initial overdose and plastic bag and wake up, I will proceed to down at least 8 bottles of visine. Initially I think I'll likely stick with 2-3.

Today was rough. I had some people in class tell me I'm a human computer. I'm known as one of the smartest people in my degree's program. I hated being told that as it's just a reminder of how much of a waste of talent and life I am. So much going for me and I'm throwing it in the trash in less than a week. People were worried about me. I couldn't really put on a front. I was disassociated all day, staring off into space, not very engaged in conversation. I had people ask if I was okay. I smiled and said yes but I know they didn't believe a damn thing I said. I know they can't do anything with that concern though. So I'm not worried about any of that. You can't call in a welfare check because someone looked a little sad. And I won't be seeing these people again, as I don't have class again until next week, and by then I'll be dead.

I know we haven't talked much. I've only been on this forum for a few months and only talk in private with very few people. Tbh I wish I made an account sooner instead of lurking for years, and got to know you better. You being gone also means that there's 1 less person in healthcare who actually has empathy for patients and wants to do right by them. I understand that death is the only way out from your suffering, and I respect your decision. I just think that you deserved better.

Going forward, I aspire to show patients the kind of compassion that you have for people, although I likely won't be building patient-provider relationships the same way you did. I'm an ER tech and want to switch to EMS later on after I get my driver's license reinstated, because the qualifications for ER techs and EMTs are basically the same. Anything in EMS or the ER is generally much faster paced, but that doesn't make bedside manner any less important. I hope that by showing patients that I care, the same way you showed people that you care about them, I can make at least a small difference for them.

I tried my best to be as best as I could with my patients. I hope it was enough. I hope I made a difference in a few people's lives. There were people I encountered in my years as a patient I will never forget for how amazing they were. I hope I was one of those people for some of my patients. I really did love what I did. Losing that in these last few weeks has gutted me.

I'm sure you will do amazing things. Even if it's an in and out field of medicine you can still make a difference.

 

[nir]

I've been following your threads for the last month and a half or so and, while I don't know you obviously, you seem like a wonderful person with especially high levels of empathy. I understand that you are in so much pain and I truly wish that you never had to go through such torture especially at such early ages. I will miss you very much and I hope that you are able to find peace and that your suffering will be over. I wish it didn't have to be this way.

I fully agree. Couldn't put it into words better than this. We're gonna miss you @willitpass.

 

[willitpass]

I have gotten myself fully hooked onto a ridiculous amount of caffeine again. About 700-800mg/day right now. I'm starting the taper today, I want to wean myself completely off by friday. Today I'll give myself ~500mg, tomorrow 300, Thursday 80-100, Friday off. A little rapid of a wean than I normally do, so hopefully no headaches. I cannot have caffeine in my system when I do all of this. Arguably everything I'm taking will be plenty stronger than caffeine, but I don't want a stimulant to possibly reduce the sedative effects and make it harder for me to drift asleep.

 

[willitpass]

I picked up a couple extra industrial trash bags today in case I tear one (or two) off at any point.

 

[willitpass]

I meant to pick up more Visine today but the store I went to didn't have any. Not name brand or knock off. I'll have to look elsewhere.

Getting closer and closer. Praying more than anything that the pharmacy doesn't delay.

 

[willitpass]

The clock ticks closer.

 

[willitpass]

My cat is being incredibly clingy today. She will not leave my side. It seems like she has to be directly touching me at all times, either cuddling up with me, sitting on my lap, rubbing up against me, standing on my legs on the toilet no matter how many times I push her off (what is it with cats and getting on our legs while we pee). We just took a nap together with her in my arms under the blanket with me. Normally she hates having a blanket on her, and generally she prefers to sleep next to me, not on me. Maybe she can sense something is coming.

Preparing for my final clean out today/tomorrow. I took a very large dose of milk of magnesia a few hours ago and am just waiting for it to kick in any minute now. I made my final grocery store trip today for a few last safe foods to last me through till the end. I've treated myself with buying a box of cereal and some milk. I'll have it after I'm cleaned out.

I now have 8 bottles of Visine total. 2 for the original plan. 6 to take if all else fails. All I need is that one bottle of pills and everything is ready.

 

[nir]

We just took a nap together with her in my arms under the blanket with me.

That sounds so cozy. I'm glad you have someone there for you while you're going through all of this. Animals are wonderful.

 

[willitpass]

I hope if there is something other than oblivion that it is beautiful. All of my near death experiences have been oblivion, and for most of my life I've found comfort in that. I don't find discomfort in it, but this past month I've started to envision an afterlife and found it quite comforting as well. Something calm and peaceful. One day seeing my family again. Being able to watch over those I love but not have to feel any guilt or shame about what I've done. I don't know that I believe in it, but the concept is nice.

 

[maniac116]

I hope everything goes smoothly!
In the end I hope you find eternal love & peace & am sorry that life has brought you to this point

 

[willitpass]

I'm so numb today. I wish I had everything I needed to be able to do it today. My only consolation is that I'm doing the last little bit to get my body prepared.
I plan to be cremated, I don't have an official will but that's my plan and my family knows it. I just went ahead and did some browsing for urns (not cheap, the death industry is a scam). I found some that I liked and I will leave behind a description of them in my note. I don't care too much about what box my dust goes into, and I think it would be lovely for my close family to split the ashes and each take a little bit of me with them and do what they find meaningful with them, but I know that everybody will grieve differently. In the case that they decide they would like me in one full urn, I want the ease the decision making they have to do. They will have to make so many horrible decisions after I'm gone and I know it will be so overwhelming. I don't want them to have to break down trying to decide if they think I would like an urn they picked out. So I will leave them with some guidance.

 

[uglyugly]

No. My whole life has been leading up to this. I was severely traumatized by my mom at the age of 6. I became depressed and started self harming at 9. I was suicidal by 10. My first near attempt was at 12. My first attempt was at 13. I've tried every talk therapy program, too many meds to count, ECT, spent over 2 years combined inpatient/in residential, every life style change you can name. You name it I've tried it. I've had 4 serious attempts already in my life. My mind is simply just fucked up. There is nothing that has nor can fix me. I got too sick at too young of an age, my mind couldn't develop properly. I have so many good things going for me yet I am still living in hell every day of my life. I can't be saved. The only reprieve for me is death.

I am so sorry for the trauma you went through at such a young age. I did too with sexual/emotional abuse, ritualized abuse, and witnessing a murder. I too started to SI at 6. I have been suicidal most of my life. I know all of that warped my mind and I don't think like other people do.

I am in my mid 50s now and it look a long, long time, but I did recover. Recovery from emotional/sexual/traumatic abuse is absolutely possible. Physical trauma may or may not be, I don't know. I am here if you want to talk or vent about trauma. I get it.

Please know I support you and hope you can find peace no matter what road you take.

 

[willitpass]

I am so sorry for the trauma you went through at such a young age. I did too with sexual/emotional abuse, ritualized abuse, and witnessing a murder. I too started to SI at 6. I have been suicidal most of my life. I know all of that warped my mind and I don't think like other people do.

I am in my mid 50s now and it look a long, long time, but I did recover. Recovery from emotional/sexual/traumatic abuse is absolutely possible. Physical trauma may or may not be, I don't know. I am here if you want to talk or vent about trauma. I get it.

Please know I support you and hope you can find peace no matter what road you take.

I don't wish to wait for a long, long time. If it is going to take another 25-30 years for me to achieve peace then I am okay with leaving in discontent. I have fought long enough. I am tired. I am so, so exhausted with torturing myself every day. A lab rat gets better treatment than what I give to myself. And with what I do to myself I don't know that my body will make it that long anyway. I'm happy you were able to achieve peace in this lifetime after everything you went through.

I found some places that make lovely cremation jewellery, including options for male jewellery. I will leave behind recommendations for that as well to help give them a starting point if they want that.