Talking to nobody- just an update on this thread since I revisit it from time to time. It's hard to have seen the last words from someone I love, but I treasure the fact that in some strange way, I got to be there- too late- but still here. Life continues. What we had was bittersweet, confusing, and painful.
After his suicide, I came close to taking my life in the same way. My family booked me a flight to stay with my brother at my most vulnerable- all I could do at that time was look on this forum at his last words, desperately hoping he was alive, that his family was lying to me about him being gone. His family hated me- they never invited me to the memorial or funeral, never gave me information- everything I found out was from this site or his ex-wife. For the most part, I was left in the dark. I hated his family for their cruelty towards me, for blaming me- even though I largely blamed myself as well. When I was with my brother, I cried most hours of the day, my grief was so painful that the only reprieve came when I was unconscious with sleep. I knew then that when I got home I would be killing myself too. I ordered the SN to be shipped to my home at the time. I wrote letters, I prepared myself. I wanted to do anything to stop feeling this pain.
Somehow I backed out at the last moment, checked into a hospital, and didn't feel like giving up yet. I felt my grief in everything- there was always a reminder awaiting me. Still, I kept going. I kept trying to heal. Here I am now going on 4 years later. It hurts sometimes, but not like it did then. My life has hope again. I feel guilty in a way for being happy now, but alternatively, I feel that he sucked me into some very dark places even when I was with him. And I am relieved to have come out on the other end.
Before I lost Steven, I lost my mom to suicide when I was 15. I'm no stranger to suicide or grief. I've had many close calls myself. I just hope if anyone comes here again, maybe in a similar position, that my story can be some sort of a testament. Maybe one day I'll come back here and need it.
Steven: I can't believe it's been this long. Time seems to expand and contract itself- I feel lost in the ongoing march onward sometimes. If anything I've ever written, said, cried about, or complained about somehow reaches you; you know exactly how I feel. Even though you wanted me to kill myself too, wanted me to feel this pain, wanted to show me I could never make it without you- I am still going. And I hope you're resting in peace.
