interna
Gone Tomorrow, Here Today
- Dec 1, 2025
- 237
i have my date set for late july, but these past few days i havent been able to stop thinking about killing myself NOW, what with my birthday coming up and stuff.
i pretty regularly do PSH as self-harm, and ive almost died from a FSH attempt before, so i thought fuck it!!!1!!1 and impulsively set up the best i could in my bedroom (which is to say, not a very good setup because of lack of reliable anchor points). i did a few rituals that felt ok enough like listening to a meaningful song and writing something akin to a suicide note, and then i went to hang myself.
ive never had problems with si too much. both my past suicide attempts were impulsive and mostly i struggled with the pain/discomfort after id already gone through with my method, never before.
however, this time around, all i could do was stare at the rope. tonight i could only feel fear. i don't know why.
maybe its because i wasn't actually happy with how i finished things up. it was so impulsive it was unsatisfactory, is what im trying to say. i felt like i was gonna die half assedly; the note, the date, everything. it didn't feel good.
a part of me doesn't care and knows and despises the fact that this is all just an excuse/a cope my brain's putting up so i don't kill myself, but it seems my SI is clearly stronger as it made me back out.
i don't know, i needed to vent since im lost and now feel like a pussy for backing out early when its never happened to me before. this doesn't even count as an attempt, i didn't even wrap the rope around my neck. i just stared.
i feel worthless and like a phony. i can't believe I've gotten so useless to the point I can't even do the one thing I'm meant for right. if not destruction then what's left for me. I'm a coward
i pretty regularly do PSH as self-harm, and ive almost died from a FSH attempt before, so i thought fuck it!!!1!!1 and impulsively set up the best i could in my bedroom (which is to say, not a very good setup because of lack of reliable anchor points). i did a few rituals that felt ok enough like listening to a meaningful song and writing something akin to a suicide note, and then i went to hang myself.
ive never had problems with si too much. both my past suicide attempts were impulsive and mostly i struggled with the pain/discomfort after id already gone through with my method, never before.
however, this time around, all i could do was stare at the rope. tonight i could only feel fear. i don't know why.
maybe its because i wasn't actually happy with how i finished things up. it was so impulsive it was unsatisfactory, is what im trying to say. i felt like i was gonna die half assedly; the note, the date, everything. it didn't feel good.
a part of me doesn't care and knows and despises the fact that this is all just an excuse/a cope my brain's putting up so i don't kill myself, but it seems my SI is clearly stronger as it made me back out.
i don't know, i needed to vent since im lost and now feel like a pussy for backing out early when its never happened to me before. this doesn't even count as an attempt, i didn't even wrap the rope around my neck. i just stared.
i feel worthless and like a phony. i can't believe I've gotten so useless to the point I can't even do the one thing I'm meant for right. if not destruction then what's left for me. I'm a coward
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