SI Feel Weird

[Yuri440]

I've tried to ctb numerous times. Overdoses, cutting (granted that one was a poor attempt, I get that autism disgusting feeling when touching a texture I don't like when I try to cut again in the same place, so I could only ever cut once and never get it deep enough), I've tried the night night method a hell of a lot, but could never get the carotid arteries with it no matter how many times I tried. Instead I think I've just loosened some like cartilage at the top of my neck at the front which feels weird when I touch it. I've even tried ingesting seeds that are poisonous. I tried hanging too, using the ratchet strap I had from the night night method, but I couldn't ever pass out it was frustrating as hell.

In all of those my survival instincts would just.. not really exist. They did the first couple times I tried to ctb, but it quickly went away. I bought a rope a couple weeks ago after fucking up with my best friend and losing a chunk of her trust, and I tried it with a hand holding the other side just to see if it would work and I nearly passed out instantly. I was genuinely the happiest I've ever felt in months. I was planning to hang myself with it today but for some reason my survival instincts have shifted into maximum overdrive and I'm vomiting just trying to get stuff prepared. This is the only time I'm going to be alone for ages too. It's perfect. I'm hoping writing this will calm it down but so far it hasn't. Everything is pretty much ready for it, just need to anchor the rope, but with how my SI is right now I don't think I can and I feel so angry because of it.

I wonder why it's kicking in so much now when it never really has before? I can't see any differences between this attempt and my others. I was confident I'd ctb in those just like I am now, I've had my notes and stuff already wrote for all those just like this time too. I honestly just don't understand what it is that's making it so strong right now and I want rid of it so badly. Today was meant to be the day and I feel like it's ruined already.

 

[Yuri440]

Yeah sod it. Throwing up earlier has wiped me out completely. I've had bits of blood coming up when I vomit for a couple weeks since trying to ingest castor seeds. I should get it checked, but honestly I'm hoping it just ends up killing me haha. That and the local doctors are useless to say the least.

I've just finished up the rest of the notes I've wrote instead. I'll add passwords to it at a later date so they don't accidentally stumble on them and just get everything. Last thing I want is my family getting my Steam account, that thing is way too valuable for them to get it. Going to send the login to my best friend when I finally actually get round to ctb.

Hopefully it's soon, but eh I don't know. All that's going through my mind right now is how weird looking the fiat multipla is. Like what even is that car? Looks like it has a bottom half and top half of different cars that are glued together haha