Discussion Should you cut toxic parents from your life?

[tomz323]

As I get older the more I realize my parents are a massive reason for me being suicidal (I had the usual abusive upbringing that allot of us have had on here...but) , I've always held out hope that I could fix our relationship and make it whole. You know right? I wanted to not be afraid to bring a girl home to meet them and such. But now I'm in my 20's that hope is fading. Any one here have much experience with this kind of thing? I'm trying to get better so any input would be great.

 

[Berndje]

Stop wasting your time with toxic people.

 

[alizee]

You're literally a fool is the kindest expression I can give to someone not breaking away from toxic parents. I used to be one of those fools but I never was given the advice and so I think you're in a way better spot in your 20s to do it.

 

[not_a_robot]

You're a fucking adult, you don't need permission for this. Yes cut them out, but beware, they never go quietly. They think they have a god-given privilege to make your life hell, just because they fucked once and forced you to exist. You will need to leave the country to ever really get any distance from them. And be prepared to hear secondhand from every other person who knows them, what a terrible terrible son you are for "abandoning" them.
Stop trying to bring girls home to meet them. Start bringing boys home to meet them instead. That ought to shut them up, for a minute.

 

[LaBrava]

Definitely yes. They are toxic, they have failed you as parents, you owe them nothing since you didn't ask them to have a child. Cut all ties and live for yourself.

 

[jake3d]

Stop wasting your time with toxic people.

This. This this this. I wouldn't have gotten to the bad place I'm in now if it weren't for toxic family.

 

[RM5998]

Well, if anyone can find a way to break away from your sole metric for happiness, tell me. I'll dump my parents in a heartbeat when I get that.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

My mother is a bitch, but I hung on in vein hope she would change, a week back I wrote a open letter on my public blog, I have finally managed to cut her from my life, and my blog post explains to her why I have had to do this, She will be sat there cussing me down and hating me but I don't give a fuck any longer.
Closing that door has eased some weight from my shoulders.

It's not easy but it can be done

 

[blueexorcist]

You do what you feel is right.
If they were never there for you, then you shouldn't have to think twice about considering being there for them when their time comes. You've been through hell and back yet the people in your life who are supposed to care don't— what then? Cut them off if you need to. Whatever makes your feel satisfied and content with your life's

 

[not_a_robot]

Well, if anyone can find a way to break away from your sole metric for happiness, tell me. I'll dump my parents in a heartbeat when I get that.

Your metric for happiness should be inside you, not outside you.
That is what kills me so much about this place.
"kills me", ha.
I wish.
;)

 

[RM5998]

Your metric for happiness should be inside you, not outside you.
That is what kills me so much about this place.
"kills me", ha.
I wish.
;)

It's... Too hard to break away from what has defined me for so long. I don't have the strength to admit to myself that I will never deserve or get my mother's love. And I've tried to be happy without listening to her, and all I have managed to be is miserable. How can you justify breaking away from your parents when all that has done is leave you unhappy?
I've just wanted to her say that she's proud of me. But I guess I'm just not good enough. And I don't have the strength to just accept that and move on. I don't know what else to be, other than the son that makes mommy proud. Pathetic, isn't it?

 

[tomz323]

Thanks for the reply's guys. Its just hard because I do love them despite everything.

 

[not_a_robot]

It's... Too hard to break away from what has defined me for so long. I don't have the strength to admit to myself that I will never deserve or get my mother's love. And I've tried to be happy without listening to her, and all I have managed to be is miserable. How can you justify breaking away from your parents when all that has done is leave you unhappy?
I've just wanted to her say that she's proud of me. But I guess I'm just not good enough. And I don't have the strength to just accept that and move on. I don't know what else to be, other than the son that makes mommy proud. Pathetic, isn't it?

...i know... i mustn't call other members problems 'cute'... it's belittling, it's triggering...must not...

Thanks for the reply's guys. Its just hard because I do love them despite everything.

Love them with one monthly email or phone call, from another continent.
That's just enough to keep you from missing home. ;)

 

[Soulless_Angel]

Thanks for the reply's guys. Its just hard because I do love them despite everything.

they are your parents, you can love and hate them. I thankfully only had one to worry about. I once in the last year told my mother I loved her, she was so fucking confused, its not something she has said to me in at least 20+ years!!! She didn't respond, I continued trying but realised, its kinder to break away for me and her. She made childhood for me hell, and I will never forgive her for that
Parents are supposed to protect you and look after you, not cause you a childhood were innocence is ripped away from you

 

[RM5998]

...i know... i mustn't call other members problems 'cute'... it's belittling, it's triggering...must not...

Belittle away at me, might help me get out of the pit of self-pity I'm in.

 

[not_a_robot]

sigh... ok, Mama's boy, but you know you're just gonna like it...

 

[irrelevant_string]

Most replies seem to be in favor of ditching them completely. In wanting to stand out a bit, I'd say maybe there's no need to cut all ties with your parents since you still care about them, but perhaps keeping your distance wouldn't be a bad idea and who knows, it might even improve your relationship with them(if you're living with them now). But improve in the sense of making it whole, having a happy, supportive family... well, I wouldn't get my hopes up about that. I dn't think that's in your power as much as you'd want it to be.

It's... Too hard to break away from what has defined me for so long. I don't have the strength to admit to myself that I will never deserve or get my mother's love. And I've tried to be happy without listening to her, and all I have managed to be is miserable. How can you justify breaking away from your parents when all that has done is leave you unhappy?
I've just wanted to her say that she's proud of me. But I guess I'm just not good enough. And I don't have the strength to just accept that and move on. I don't know what else to be, other than the son that makes mommy proud. Pathetic, isn't it?

Pathetic? Maybe. But I do not believe that anyone is truly self sufficient and capable of being their own source of happiness. Perhaps monks and sages come closest to it.
"Your metric for happiness should be inside you". Hmm... well, it is in some sense, depending on how much you believe in free will, but there are always external factors(and internal for that matter) that are outside of your conscious control.

Most people would probably be able to find something equally pathetic driving their behavior if only they weren't so afraid of spending some time alone, without too many distractions.
I can relate to some extent, except that in my case it's more of a daddy issue. I am just a daughter trying to make her daddy proud. Well... was, perhaps, and then I realized that the qualities I admired him for aren't really there, so getting validation from him doesn't mean as much to me anymore. Now I only need to extend that realization to include every human being. There, you're not the only pathetic one anymore.

 

[Pilum Muralis]

Mother nature got rid of my toxic parents. Even in death, my mother has found a way to mentally torment me. I do confess i miss them both horribly, especially my father, the root of most of my mental issuses. His genetics and alcoholism molded me into this person I've loathed for many years.
Guess its some form of Stockholm Syndrome.

 

[Funkbunny]

Toxic people full stop. Cut them out, move on.

 

[Kdawg2018]

I distance myself from my parents because they don't support me in the way I want them too. On the other hand, they are buying me a $20,000 dont kill yourself car...so at least they support me financially...they just can't understand me emotionally, and probably never will...

 

[Painted Bird]

You should for sure. Toxic parents, siblings, gfs/bfs, friends, exes, etc. I did.

 

[LittleJem]

There is another option, which is of taking breaks/long breaks where you draw lines about how you want to be treated. I took breaks from my parents. I drew some lines and didn't see them for several months. In my dad's case a year or two. When my mum crosses a line, I tell her I will walk away, then I do. This has improved things a lot. She's still difficult, but she doesn't speak to me like she used to. My dad never really understood, but I needed those breaks for my health and sanity. If they are really toxic though, then you could make it permanent. Look after yourself.

 

[Deleted member 8975]

As I get older the more I realize my parents are a massive reason for me being suicidal (I had the usual abusive upbringing that allot of us have had on here...but) , I've always held out hope that I could fix our relationship and make it whole. You know right? I wanted to not be afraid to bring a girl home to meet them and such. But now I'm in my 20's that hope is fading. Any one here have much experience with this kind of thing? I'm trying to get better so any input would be great.

Dude. i'm gonna tell you right now: cut them off and move away. Don't look back. Do whatever you can. I wish someone could have told me that when i was younger. Please please please. I'm not saying it's gonna cure suicidal thoughts...but i hope it would and would have hoped it would for me. Just do your best to get out this situation and make it your top priority, please.

 

[not_a_robot]

You should for sure. Toxic parents, siblings, gfs/bfs, friends, exes, etc. I did.

Same. People think it sounds "lonely", but I don't understand people who think being miserable is better than being alone. I don't understand people who despise their own company, despise themselves, so much that they prefer being treated like crap.

 

[Painted Bird]

@not_a_robot It's better to be alone than in bad company, right? I prefer "lonely" to being tormented by others.

 

[Final Escape]

Yes, because it can steal your opportunities so u can have a life. It doesn't matter if they are related if they are destructive to u.

 

[RM5998]

There is another option, which is of taking breaks/long breaks where you draw lines about how you want to be treated. I took breaks from my parents. I drew some lines and didn't see them for several months. In my dad's case a year or two. When my mum crosses a line, I tell her I will walk away, then I do. This has improved things a lot. She's still difficult, but she doesn't speak to me like she used to. My dad never really understood, but I needed those breaks for my health and sanity. If they are really toxic though, then you could make it permanent. Look after yourself.

Well... here's what that would look like for me (translated from an assortment of languages to English):

• Me: "Mom, I'm not talking to you till you treat me like a human being and not an object meant to prove your superior parenting ability."
• Mom: "You ungrateful child, I gave up my career for this? I should have never bothered raising you or having you."
• Dad: "You know that your mother loves you. It is obvious that she loves you. You need to listen to her."
• I stop talking to my parents.
• Within 1 hour, mom calls whatever authority she can get her hands on. Mostly college related.
• Said authority comes to my room, takes a look at me. He says, "Because his hair isn't combed, he is definitely disturbed."
• I am told to visit a higher authority.
• When I do, said higher authority tells me to take a seat, because he just wants to have an informal chat, as 'friends'.
• Aforementioned higher authority launches into a tirade about how my parents have made many sacrifices to get me here, and how I despite I am not under pressure to do anything, I am obliged to make my parents proud, be a great student, and listen to what they say. The lecture ends with the authority figure saying that I should drop by again whenever I need to talk (despite the fact that I've said pretty much nothing).
• I am told to attend a session with whatever approximation of psychiatry I can get to. When the session starts, the first thing I am asked after the formalities and my first sentence is "Do you spend an excessive amount of time watching pornography?" When I tell him that I'm asexual, he says "Okay... so how many hours per day do you spend on porn?" I mean, even if you haven't heard the word in relation to people before, you should be able to tell what it means from the context of 8th grade biology...
• After I tell him about how I am feeling (admittedly, I was speaking mostly in the abstract), he tells me that the main problem is that because I'm the only child, I haven't learned how to socialize to the same extent as others. Granted, I kept the suicidal thoughts out, but I did tell him extensively about my self-worth issues and my inability to understand how to be happy with myself, or find things to make me happy. And the important thing is that I don't talk to people? Anyway to handle this socialization issue, I need to talk to people. So he tells me to talk to some random professor, just because said professor is Bengali. Granted, the professor named is a pretty cool guy, but still, the logic seemed broken.
• And dealing with the self-worth issues would be apparently be easy. "Just think 5 positive thoughts a day, once in the morning, once in the evening."
• The issue is forgotten, as long as I behave like a good kid.

If it wasn't obvious, that's happened to me.

This isn't meant to be a refutation, it's supposed to be a humorous account of an extraordinarily stupid series of events.

 

[Pilum Muralis]

I think what saddens me most is that your friends and family, especially parents, are suppose to provide you solace and protection from all the bad people, not actually be the bad people. They are suppose to lift you high above the muck and shit of the world, not drown your ass in it.
I got into bad relationship after bad relationship because of my shitty self esteem, because for years I allowed myself to just be a doormat. I blame myself, as much as I blame them! I means the last bf I had, who was still married btw, but was "only staying for his kids", literally treated me like a dog. Collar, leash and all. He branded me, still have the scar to this day. He was brutal and twisted, and I loved it. I'm ashamed to say we still talk today. And another guy I dated for a couple years actually bought bondage tools. I swear even my husband thinks I'm an idiot, and just settled for me, though he denies it.
I wish all toxic people could spend one minute in our heads to see what that shit has done to us, then I think they'd all just be satisfied with the results. Fuck them.

 

[Darkhaven]

If i can get by without needing them, sure i would.
Not necessarily completely cutting all ties with them, but definately put a great distance between us. Like moving to a new town well away and reduce the amount of shared details from my life with them.

 

[AnnaJaspers]

As I get older the more I realize my parents are a massive reason for me being suicidal (I had the usual abusive upbringing that allot of us have had on here...but) , I've always held out hope that I could fix our relationship and make it whole. You know right? I wanted to not be afraid to bring a girl home to meet them and such. But now I'm in my 20's that hope is fading. Any one here have much experience with this kind of thing? I'm trying to get better so any input would be great.

I would urge you to separate and cut contact, at least for a little while, in the hopes that maybe you will view your situation differently and find a new lease on life. You can't recover if you are surrounded by toxic family. Please do this for yourself.