Should I write her a note?

[everlastinghistory]

The girl I love most is probably going to stop talking to me today. Last time she tried I ended up threatening suicide… I know that hurt her and I never meant to hurt her. I wasn't lying. I did plan on killing myself after that. I almost did. She messaged me apologizing while I was googling train schedules to get out of my province and to the city I wanted to do it in.

I won't tell her beforehand this time. I can't hurt her like that again. I still hate myself for the shit I said that night. However I am more than likely going to commit after this happens. Or maybe even before it happens.

I don't want to live even a day without her in my life. She's all I have left. I can't lose her. If I lose her I lose everything.

I just don't know if I should write a note to her or not.

On one hand she deserves to be assured it wasn't her fault and deserves a proper goodbye. On the other I don't know how she'd take it… I feel like she'd think it was stupid. That I was stupid. When I said I was gonna kms if she left she said if I did that I'd just die as a piece of shit and she wouldn't feel sad about it. So writing a note sort of seems pointless. Like she'd think it was dumb. She probably wouldn't even read it.

I dunno. I know the things she said that night were things she said because she was shocked I would act like that and because she was hurt. But it still carry's some weight in the situation. And she's apologized for saying that stuff since then. But yeah it's kind of difficult to decide. I want to give her a proper goodbye and explanation but I also don't want to leave her hating me forever. I know I won't be alive for the aftermath but it just doesn't sit right with me.

It also doesn't help that she lives in another country and doesn't know my family or friends. So if I died she wouldn't know about it. Me writing a note to her would seem like I was trying to make her feel bad by making her aware it happened. I've been called manipulative enough while living. I don't wanna die that way too. I'm tired of always being the bad guy. I can't die the same way I lived.

I love her and I can't imagine my life without her. But this feels like it'll go incredibly wrong if I write a note and won't be seen as having the intentions it does…

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. It does sound a very difficult situation to be in.

What would you say in the note? If she were to look for you, is there a person she would likely contact? Perhaps you could leave the note with them. Then it would be up to her whether she wanted to read it.

 

[everlastinghistory]

I'm sorry you are suffering so much. It does sound a very difficult situation to be in.

What would you say in the note? If she were to look for you, is there a person she would likely contact? Perhaps you could leave the note with them. Then it would be up to her whether she wanted to read it.

She has no contact with anyone I know. My only real options would be to send her the note or send the note to an online friend and have them ask her if she wants it after. But that runs the risk that that person may not actually ask her.

Basically all I really want to say in the note is that she made me happier than anyone ever has and that she shouldn't blame herself. To tell her the only thing influenced by her was my choice of location not my actual act. I just don't want her to blame herself + want to be able to tell her I love her and say a proper goodbye before I do it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

She has no contact with anyone I know. My only real options would be to send her the note or send the note to an online friend and have them ask her if she wants it after. But that runs the risk that that person may not actually ask her.

Basically all I really want to say in the note is that she made me happier than anyone ever has and that she shouldn't blame herself. To tell her the only thing influenced by her was my choice of location not my actual act. I just don't want her to blame herself + want to be able to tell her I love her and say a proper goodbye before I do it.

That sounds very touching and beautiful. I think it would be a comfort to receive that.

I guess it is a bit risky to post it directly to her- just in case the attempt doesn't work out. I suspect your online friend would follow your wishes wouldn't they? I guess it's that, or a direct delayed email to her- that you could cancel if your plans fell through. Although it sounds like it's better to write those as attachments to emails rather than in the main body- as I've heard they scan them for words like suicide.

I'm sorry. It's a very sad situation. It would be wonderful if love was like it is in the fairy tales.

 

[zeenatax]

It is very sad story. I don't know what to say.