Venting short-ish thought process

[r.vival]

i hate venting. but theres a lot on my mind.
love is so painful but yet i keep craving it. i recently got left and now im asked to be their friend w benefits. but then it confuses him. then it overwhelms him. etc. he knows the breakup was unfair to me. i accepted a lot of his bs because i love him. he often wanted to leave. when he found out i vented to a friend he did it. i do agree it was bad of me to talk about things in detail. i crossed his line but.. i was stuck. i realized i made him sound like an asshole. hes not at all. hes a really caring person but hes still young. things get to him easily. but hes still in my life as a "best friend with benefits" because hes afraid im going to do bad things. he was overwhelmed. saying too much of a good thing is bad. my love being that. i always loved unconditionally because that the way i wanted to be loved.. im holding on because do i truly want to die? i dont. i want to love and be loved. that is all i wanted. i actually saw myself wanting to continue my life with him in europe. my previous breakup (online) was rough, i thought it wouldn't get worse but it did with my first irl. i feel like im pure bad luck or something. or maybe i dont deserve things. happiness feels like a distraction for something worse on the way. i don't want to keep suffering. why do others hurt so much? why does the lack of others hurt too? both hurt me so significantly. but yeah. im going to just continue with what this is. not overthink. enjoy. but i feel used in the process. oh well. i just want to make him happy. if he is, ill be okay. im okay with just being okay. i swear i could've taken more on my back if our parents didn't get involved. i could fix our relationship. i don't care how much stress it brings me.

 

[takuyangel]

genuine love is the only thing that could change the lives of every single person in this forum. but you're right, the more you want to give and receive, the more it hurts as time passes on. it's a sick joke .