Shallow Friendships

[Blurry_Buildings]

I remember someone once described me as someone who is friends with everyone. It was very surprising to me at the time because I felt like that statement couldn't have been further from the truth. I smiled, laughed, then changed the subject. I have a lot of people who say we are friends, but I always feel bad about it, because to me it feels like I have none. It's like I'm constantly acting however I think they'll like, because complaining about being in pain constantly wouldn't be enjoyable to be around, and maybe because at some point I just stopped caring. In a way maybe someone who has many shallow friendships really has none at all, but to the people who don't see our friendship as shallow, I'm sure it would hurt them to know I felt that way. I have many truly shallow friendships, and a few who would say we are friends who I think secretly hate me, but there are some I am fully aware I should not see as shallow, but for some reason I do, or at least I feel that way, even when I know they don't. If I were a better person, and a better friend, I don't think I would see it this way. There is a deficiency somewhere with how I handle and see my friendships, not just from hiding being tired or in pain, but I can't figure out what it is. I care about them a lot as people, but the distance between us feels dauntingly massive.

 

[katatonix]

I understand this so well. It's like they are there to "act" as friends or I'm sure some of them really think I do consider them such but I always start doubting that they really like me. And I couldn't ever tell them how I feel, that I'm alone and going towards death. It makes it almost impossible to look beyond when you're spending time with them, and results in me not knowing what to say or talking about whatever they want to talk about. It's truly an isolating thing

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I feel pretty much the same way. I feel like I have to be overly conscious of how I act with my friends. The friendship always feels shallow and like it lacks true emotional depth. The making friends part isn't the most difficult part, for some reason it's actually being able to maintain the friendship.

 

[isthisit?]

Im also one of those people that are friends with everyone. I used to think that it was a good thing and because of that I always looked out for everyone, but life has shown that most friends are willing to sacrifice you in an instant if it helps them. I just dropped the charade and found out who my real friends are. Turns out I have 2!