Help Seriously considering hurting others before I go

[Chiisai]

I have these urges from time to time. I have a very hidden violent sadist inside me and sometimes when I'm contemplating ctb I wind up planning a killing spree that ends in suicide by cop. Other times, I randomly find I'm again obsessed with wanting to torture and kill, and the shame from that causes me to want to die. It's a part of myself that I really, really am ashamed of. Very few people know. Those who know, I wish I hadn't told them.

Look. These kinds of thoughts are really hard to experience, and getting help is even harder. There is just a LOT of fear surrounding this subject, with good reason, alongside stigma. The best thing for me has been having an outlet. I largely forbid myself from watching videos of that stuff these days because it just feeds the fantasy. Instead I express it creatively. I'm into writing & recording songs, journaling, making short interactive fiction games, that kind of thing. I also trust my therapist enough to tell her and get it off my chest when I'm going that direction. Have these things cured me? No. Has it made me feel better? Absolutely.

I've engaged in animal slaughter a few times, and I don't think I'd recommend it. It just sort of pours gasoline on the fire. As does watching videos of people being murdered. Try not to engage directly with these urges and instead find an outlet that works for you to redirect the intensity.

You can PM me if you want to chat more. Of course, I absolutely do not want you to hurt another person or people. For so many reasons. You do not have my blessing on this idea. But I can relate to what you're feeling and I'm here to listen and offer my perspective if you'd like. Its a hard subject many are unable to relate to or are unwilling to engage in a conversation about.

Thanks for your thoughts and honesty. I believe its no easy feat to share that with strangers but the thought of you sharing your experience to make others realize that some ideas are not worth doing is thoughtful and generous.

 

[Shu]

Yep pushing him away from probably the only place where he can talk about this might make him do this. Anyone calling him names needs to shut up cause peoples lives are on the line.

Agreed. Calling him names is more likely to push him to act on things like this.

 

[Red Scare]

You guys know that someone who commits a mass shooting is an emotionless sociopath that doesn't feel anything for the victims? That is not something that just happens because someone said something on a forum. A sociopath is not going to care about anyone's pleas for reason.

 

[Chiisai]

You guys know that someone who commits a mass shooting is an emotionless sociopath that doesn't feel anything for the victims? That is not something that just happens because someone said something on a forum. A sociopath is not going to care about anyone's pleas for reason.

We can only assume since OP has not responded. But it is not proven. Innocent till proven guilty. Therefore I believe the admins have encountered something similar to this before so I think its best to let the admins decide on this matter.

 

[lili]

My youngest brother made an attempt like this in his high school. It was terrible moment to receive the phone call about it.

I wasn't there enough for him as I would have wished, but to this day it hurts me so much to know what he did. Because for me he will always be my sweet young brother.

My youngest brother was severely bullied in school, he had no friends and he lived with his alcoholic dad.

He tried fo make an attempt in school and when he failed he ran outside and attempted to kill his father.

My youngest brother doesn't deserve all the suffering that happened to him, and I think this world was too cruel to have someone as good as he was.

Please don't do this, I know you are in deep pain, but please don't do it.

I wish I could send you all the love you've missed in your life, so you would heal and not have to take it on other innocents. Just like I wish I had with my young brother.

 

[Niko66]

However strongly you feel about something, alienating and antagonizing someone has never lead to understanding, never will. Condemning him won't make them any less likely to commit harm, outrage and retribution is purely self satisfactory

You guys know that someone who commits a mass shooting is an emotionless sociopath that doesn't feel anything for the victims? That is not something that just happens because someone said something on a forum. A sociopath is not going to care about anyone's pleas for reason.

Good thing OP isn't a mass shooter yet for all we know. He has come to this forum with these thoughts, now here we are the "reasonable" people witnessing this, what's your alternative to trying to reason and show understanding?

Alienating him? That acomplishes what? A: He's an emotionless psycopath and our messages are irrelevant. B: He can be reasoned with and our words matter.

In no scenario does extending the attempt to understand causes harm, however pushing him out could be harmful. This doesn't mean condoning anything, it just means showing some maturity.

So what does your outrage acomplish? A sense of self righteousness perhaps? What else?

 

[sealbabies]

@erdbeeren I realize I am fearful of this subject, and can not understand it on the level you feel it. But if coming here and airing it out did any good and perhaps made it easier to deal with these ideations in a way that reduces harm to you and others, I'm glad you did. People will get shaken up because a lot of people don't have the same urges and really don't want these things to happen the way you do currently. I can only wish you peace and I am sorry you have been hurt in so many ways.

 

[lostmylove]

You guys know that someone who commits a mass shooting is an emotionless sociopath that doesn't feel anything for the victims? That is not something that just happens because someone said something on a forum. A sociopath is not going to care about anyone's pleas for reason.

I don't think that's true in every case tho. 3 people or more shot is technically a mass shooting. Happens in Chicago every week, you just don't hear about it because of the media.

I cant see how it's helpful to write someone off as a sociopath when they feel like this either. You gotta understand if he's posting on here he's at least open to conversation over it, on an open minded platform where people will have unique take on things.

 

[Gsvko]

You guys know that someone who commits a mass shooting is an emotionless sociopath that doesn't feel anything for the victims? That is not something that just happens because someone said something on a forum. A sociopath is not going to care about anyone's pleas for reason.

You're literally saying things they've mentioned fuel their thoughts

In school where students either treat me like an inanimate object or like a sub-human and teachers and admin not only tolerate it, but frequently join in with the teasing. The gaslighting, the slander, the hatred, it's never ending. And I can't connect with these awful people.

 

[Red Scare]

So what does your outrage acomplish? A sense of self righteousness perhaps? What else?

Oh I dunno, maybe convey the impression that this shit is not acceptable. I'm not convinced this isn't a teenager that doesn't belong on this forum in the first place.

You're literally saying things they've mentioned fuel their thoughts

That's quite a leap there. I'm sure there were plenty of people who got bullied in school who didn't turn into mass shooters. Someone determined to hurt others will, there's nothing anyone can say that will stop them.... unless it's to the fbi, in advance. This person, if they are an imminent danger to others, needs to be locked up. If they aren't, and they can be reasoned with, then hopefully my words here will convey how this is really fucked up, and that's maybe something they should think about.

This is very seriously very fucked up. Not cool. Not edgy. Not going to get them any notoriety. It is just Fucked up (with a capital F) and that's all it ever will be.

 

[Niko66]

Oh I dunno, maybe convey the impression that this shit is not acceptable. I'm not convinced this isn't a teenager that doesn't belong on this forum in the first place.

That's quite a leap there. I'm sure there were plenty of people who got bullied in school who didn't turn into mass shooters. Someone determined to hurt others will, there's nothing anyone can say that will stop them.... unless it's to the fbi, in advance. This person, if they are an imminent danger to others, needs to be locked up. If they aren't, and they can be reasoned with, then hopefully my words here will convey how this is really fucked up, and that's maybe something they should think about.

This is very seriously very fucked up. Not cool. Not edgy. Not going to get them any notoriety. It is just Fucked up (with a capital F) and that's all it ever will be.

OP literally said in their first post they realize how awful their thoughts are, again what are you trying to acomplish by saying it's not acceptable? Who needs to hear this condemning? Did OP not already acknowledge it? So who are you preaching to? Yup, yourself.

And to the rest, again, is the OP a mass shooter yet? No. Not that we know of. You can't presume to know an entire person from a couple of posts. Who are you to pretend you can acertain someone's decisions and future?

" then hopefully my words here will convey how this is really fucked up"

Second line on the OP:

"It's fucked up I know."

OP hasn't hurt anyone so far, however you are currently condemning someone for something they haven't done, and by your own admission if the OP can't be reasoned with then your words are worthless as his mind is set and he can't be changed so your outrage serves no one but yourself, so again who are you preaching to? Who are you convincing? Who are you trying to help? OP can't be helped apparently since you already decided you figured out everything about them and will commit murder no matter what, so what does antagonizing them do?

Quit your moral high ground bullshit fucking christ.

If this person can be reasoned with, then talking can help. If they can't be then it doesn't matter if we call them all the names in the dictionary.

Since I am basically being a hypocrite here, let me frame it another way.
Even if you completely don't sympathize with the OP, not in the slightest.
If there is even a 1% chance that by trying to show some understanding and talking to a person, trying to get the whole picture we could change their mind, do we not owe to the potential victims that effort instead of simply giving in to a desire for retribution?

 

[Red Scare]

OP literally said in their first post they realize how awful their thoughts are, again what are you trying to acomplish by saying it's not acceptable? Who needs to hear this condemning? Did OP not already acknowledge it? So who are you preaching to? Yup, yourself.

And to the rest, again, is the OP a mass shooter yet? No. Not that we know of. You can't presume to know an entire person from a couple of posts. Who are you to pretend you can acertain someone's decisions and future?

" then hopefully my words here will convey how this is really fucked up"

Second line on the OP:

"It's fucked up I know."

OP hasn't hurt anyone so far, however you are currently condemning someone for something they haven't done, and by your own admission if the OP can't be reasoned with then your words are worthless as his mind is set and he can't be changed so your outrage serves no one but yourself, so again who are you preaching to? Who are you convincing? Who are you trying to help? OP can't be helped apparently since you already decided you figured out everything about them and will commit murder no matter what, so what does antagonizing them do?

Quit your moral high ground bullshit fucking christ.

Then if they know it's fucked up, nothing else needs to be said. It is fucked up. I'll say it ten more times too.

They can read it a bunch of times. Just so they know how deeply fucked up it is.

Feel free to ignore my posts. If you have a problem with someone telling aspiring mass shooters and pedophiles in no uncertainty terms that they are fucked up, and you dislike my approach, then please, just ignore me.

 

[Red Scare]

Even if you completely don't sympathize with the OP, not in the slightest.
If there is even a 1% chance that by trying to show some understanding and talking to a person, trying to get the whole picture we could change their mind, do we not owe to the potential victims that effort instead of simply giving in to a desire for retribution?

Since you edited your post since I responded, I will respond in kind.

This person needs serious psychiatric intervention, they have said they have sought help and taken meds, and they are still feeling this way. They need to tell someone if they are an imminent danger to others. There's nothing here we can do to help. I'm just hoping that they see how fucked up it is and get more help, like the kind that will keep them away from others if they are an imminent danger to anyone.

 

[Niko66]

Since you edited your post since I responded, I will respond in kind.

This person needs serious psychiatric intervention, they have said they have sought help and taken meds, and they are still feeling this way. They need to tell someone if they are an imminent danger to others. There's nothing here we can do to help. I'm just hoping that they see how fucked up it is and get more help, like the kind that will keep them away from others if they are an imminent danger to anyone.

Exactly what I am getting at, we should encourage them to seek help, not claim they are as good as a murderer with no hope for change. How do you figure telling someone they can't change and have no hope compells someone to seek help? At best it tells them they should CTB to avoid harming others.

Read your own post and tell me you are encouraging this person to go seek help with a straight face:

"
The people here trying to appeal to this persons sense of decency, you do realize that has never stopped a psychopathic killer before? Do you think those mass shooters don't know that they are taking away lives from people who wanted to live?

This should be met with condemnation, and no understanding whatsoever. If this dumbass thinks that being shot by cops is a good way to die, they obviously have watched too many movies where the bad guy gets shot and then is dead in the next frame. Instead of thinking how much it would hurt to sit there and bleed to death from multiple gunshot wounds. As if suicide by cop would be instant or painless. Fucking moron.

I want it to be said that no one will remember this loser. They don't even say the names of mass shooters on the news anymore. They'll receive no notoriety, no fame, no one will care to remember their name, and even if they did, no one would remember even 2 years from now, because who the fuck remembers any news story from two years ago? This person will be forgotten about, like they deserve to be.
"

 

[_Seeking]

It's not right that you were bullied, OP, you deserve to be treated with kindness just like everyone else. It is good that you are trying to get help and it sounds like you know these thoughts are wrong. It's never okay to kill other people, even if they are assholes. In many ways, living is a crueler fate than dying, so might as well let everyone else keep on living.

 

[Gsvko]

That's quite a leap there. I'm sure there were plenty of people who got bullied in school who didn't turn into mass shooters. Someone determined to hurt others will, there's nothing anyone can say that will stop them.... unless it's to the fbi, in advance. This person, if they are an imminent danger to others, needs to be locked up. If they aren't, and they can be reasoned with, then hopefully my words here will convey how this is really fucked up, and that's maybe something they should think about.

This is very seriously very fucked up. Not cool. Not edgy. Not going to get them any notoriety. It is just Fucked up (with a capital F) and that's all it ever will be.

Ridiculous.
We are not talking about plenty people, but about op.
Please tell me I'm depressed so I can stop being depressed. You get an applause.

 

[Red Scare]

If this person knows it's fucked up, they don't need to be coddled.

They need serious help that is outside the scope of this forum.

If they are an imminent danger to anyone, they need to turn tell their psychiatrist, and get put into a safe place where they can't hurt anyone. Not posting about it on this forum.

This topic is putting the whole forum at risk.

 

[symphony]

Hey OP. I'm sorry life has been so cruel to you. I've had passive homocidal ideation a few times myself, but just because you have a thought does not mean you need to act on it. I commend your courage for sharing here before you take an action you can't undo, and I hope you can get help.

 

[Gsvko]

If this person knows it's fucked up, they don't need to be coddled.

We're all fucked up here.

This topic is putting the whole forum at risk.

Well you're not helping.

They need serious help that is outside the scope of this forum.

I've also said that it's out the scope. OP, if you're gonna read, I didn't mean in a way that your thoughts are not welcome, English is not really my mother tongue. More in a way that the amount of help you need might not be something we could cater to. Some therapy alongside the forum would maybe be better, because you're being vulnerable and some might leave hurtful comments out of fear. That's what I meant.
Anyways, my head hurts.

 

[its-about-time]

Then if they know it's fucked up, nothing else needs to be said. It is fucked up. I'll say it ten more times too.

They can read it a bunch of times. Just so they know how deeply fucked up it is.

Feel free to ignore my posts. If you have a problem with someone telling aspiring mass shooters and pedophiles in no uncertainty terms that they are fucked up, and you dislike my approach, then please, just ignore me.

Since you brought it up I'm curious what your thought is on this scenario because I think it's entirely comparable:

Imagine a person who has pedophilic thoughts/urges and reaches out for help before they ever did anything to harm a child. Would you condemn the fucking shit out of that person? Tell them how fucked up they are, how damaged they are, and every other terrible thing you can think of? They haven't acted on their urges, they know it's fucked up, and they are asking for input from others. Should these people simply NOT ask for help? NOT ask for input? Sit alone with their urges until, god forbid, they do something terrible?

Whenever something awful happens in the world, be it mass shooting or a pedophile harming a child, the rest of the world wonders what the outcome could've been if that person had received help sooner… well here's somebody asking for help, and you are doing EXACTLY what alienates them so fucking much in the first place.

I'm appalled by your ignorant, stigma-fueling response to somebody asking for help with a delicate subject. I find it odd that you can be so entitled, preaching pro-choice on a suicide forum but having absolutely zero ability to understand or have empathy for another person who is suffering and needs to be guided in the right direction.

I don't think you're going to really hear a word I say (I love that you quoted ONE line I said and used it to your advantage, are you trained in politics?), so I can sum it up for you: your judgmental freak-out is exactly the reason why people like OP aren't able to get thorough help.

 

[Niko66]

Since you brought it up I'm curious what your thought is on this scenario because I think it's entirely comparable:

Imagine a person who has pedophilic thoughts/urges and reaches out for help before they ever did anything to harm a child. Would you condemn the fucking shit out of that person? Tell them how fucked up they are, how damaged they are, and every other terrible thing you can think of? They haven't acted on their urges, they know it's fucked up, and they are asking for input from others. Should these people simply NOT ask for help? NOT ask for input? Sit alone with their urges until, god forbid, they do something terrible?

Whenever something awful happens in the world, be it mass shooting or a pedophile harming a child, the rest of the world wonders what the outcome could've been if that person had received help sooner… well here's somebody asking for help, and you are doing EXACTLY what alienates them so fucking much in the first place.

I'm appalled by your ignorant, stigma-fueling response to somebody asking for help with a delicate subject. I find it odd that you can be so entitled, preaching pro-choice on a suicide forum but having absolutely zero ability to understand or have empathy for another person who is suffering and needs to be guided in the right direction.

I don't think you're going to really hear a word I say (I love that you quoted ONE line I said and used it to your advantage, are you trained in politics?), so I can sum it up for you: your judgmental freak-out is exactly the reason why people like OP aren't able to get thorough help.

You don't need to ask, just see the thread for yourself.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-am-a-sick-person-i-deserve-to-die.87399/

 

[its-about-time]

You don't need to ask, just see the thread for yourself.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-am-a-sick-person-i-deserve-to-die.87399/

Ha! Thanks for the link. I saw that thread and had it in mind with my comment, I wasn't sure how to find it to see if @Red Scare participated in it.

Here's my favorite response of Red Scare:

"The OP knows all of this. If they are reading, I would say that I am not unsympathetic. As long as they know that what they feel is wrong, and they don't act on it, they're good. If they want help, there are ways to get help. There are plenty of professionals that specialize in helping people like this. I can understand the urge to want to ctb though."

What I'm gathering is: This person is highly judgmental, but not totally incapable of quasi-sympathy with delicate topics. Really, they're just a massive hypocrite. Case closed.

OP, if you've managed to read this far without being turned off this website altogether, I hope you see that others here want to give you support and input, not just call you horrible names. The anonymity of the internet really allows for both great and terrible content. PM me if you ever want to chat about what you're going through.

 

[Red Scare]

This person is highly judgmental

Yes, I am judgmental about people who openly admit to being pedophiles and aspiring mass shooters. Sue me.

I will not be lectured by someone who has admitted to torturing animals. That is textbook sociopath behavior. Maybe don't throw stones from a glass house, you animal murdering sociopath.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I'm going to ask you kindly please don't do this. Those are innocent kids. They didn't do anything to deserve that.

The kids who are treating OP like shit are not innocent. They are complicit in murder. Whilst I agree they do not deserve death, they ought to be punished as any murder accomplice would be - a years long involuntary stay in a psychiatric unit sounds appropriate to me.

 

[downndone2]

DON'T DO IT! You're sick and need to seek help! You would end up killing completely innocent people! I guess you've already killed completely innocent animals? Seriously, go get some help!

 

[Red Scare]

We're all fucked up here.

Not that fucked up. And most of us are here because we feel there is no help for us. We are beyond help, we're looking to ctb. Well that's fine if you are only considering ctb yourself, but for someone who says they have fantasies about murdering others, that's a very different thing. That suggests they may try to harm someone, besides themselves.

Well you're not helping.

This person cannot possibly get the help they need here, unless that is help to find a suitable method to end their own life. That is what this forum is. We are not a support group for aspiring mass shooters.

 

[its-about-time]

Yes, I am judgmental about people who openly admit to being pedophiles and aspiring mass shooters. Sue me.

I will not be lectured by someone who has admitted to torturing animals. That is textbook sociopath behavior. Maybe don't throw stones from a glass house, you animal murdering sociopath.

Hol' up buddy. When did I "admit to torturing animals" lmao. You mean the animal slaughter thing? Do you understand what animal slaughter is? I volunteered to perform the slaughter of chickens and later a goat on a farm. They were raised to be killed and I killed them with approved methods. You're fucking hilarious. I can't even take your opinion seriously after that.

I hope I never have to have a real conversation ever again with someone like you in real life, though I think your type is all too common. I've learned how to avoid people with your mindset. It's just unfortunate I have to encounter this ridiculousness online on a forum like this, but the world sure ain't manicured to suit my preferences. Good luck with your shit I guess? Don't bother wishing me the same, I'm sure you'd be ecstatic to hear that something horrific happened to such a sociopath as myself

 

[Red Scare]

I volunteered to perform the slaughter of chickens and later a goat on a farm.

Who in the fuck would volunteer for that shit? You admitted to harboring thoughts like the OP, thought you'd get a little practice in on some animals? That's sickening.

this ridiculousness

That you are not more shocked by the people saying they have sexual thoughts about children, or thoughts of mass murder, and you are taking issue with my comments, says much more about you than it ever could about me.

 

[symphony]

That you are not more shocked by the people saying they have sexual thoughts about children, or thoughts of mass murder, and you are taking issue with my comments, says much more about you than it ever could about me.

Feeling shock and showing compassion are not mutually exclusive. All human beings deserve compassion regardless of the content of their thoughts. The vitriolic tone here serves no one.

 

[its-about-time]

That you are not more shocked by the people saying they have sexual thoughts about children, or thoughts of mass murder, and you are taking issue with my comments, says much more about you than it ever could about me.

Hey wait I can do that too!

"That you are not more compassionate towards the people saying they're struggling with horrific urges, and you are attacking the comments of people who DO show compassion, says much more about you than it ever could about me. "

I just feel like fucking with you at this point. Your self-righteousness and absolute refusal to show any level of understanding for the terrible things humans go through is just sort of comical to me in a way. You're like a caricature. "I suffer so much the world is against my desire to die let's share our suffering" *somebody shares their suffering* "jesus fucking Christ you're the worst person on the planet" .. I just can't Welcome to the real world I guess, where humans -actual real people with real normal lives!- have atrocious urges, though I know you don't live in the real world because you just dehumanize anybody with any sort of horrible thought. God bless and protect your sweet innocent mind. Beam me up, Scotty, I'm getting off this god forsaken thread.