Help Seriously considering hurting others before I go

[erdbeeren]

I am seriously thinking about going to school with a weapon and injuring as many people as I can and then (hopefully) ctb or be killed by police when they come.

It's fucked up I know.

I've been so infatuated by violence and the people who commit these types of crimes that it's all I can think about. Unlike most, I have nothing/no one I see worth living for. The life I have is financially stable, but emotionally barren - void of anything but my own dark desires.

I don't think I can keep living without ending up harming myself and/or others. It's a scary place to be mentally; nobody likes a murderer after all.

I have tried and tried to get help to prevent damage. I WILLINGLY attended therapy and WILLINGLY took my meds. I've spent time an inpatient facility and continued to see doctors to figure out what the hell is wrong. Ultimately, no meaningful change has come.

My irl friends don't care about hearing my issues so I just stop informing them. My family has given up on me and left me to fend for myself. I have to "grow up" eventually I guess. My mom straight up said, no joke, that if I get bullied, there's no need to tell her cause she won't give a shit and that it was probably my fault.

I am forced to endure most of my awake time in school. In school where students either treat me like an inanimate object or like a sub-human and teachers and admin not only tolerate it, but frequently join in with the teasing. The gaslighting, the slander, the hatred, it's never ending. And I can't connect with these awful people.

I may go ahead and ctb so I won't go through with it.

 

[Shu]

I'm going to ask you kindly please don't do this. Those are innocent kids. They didn't do anything to deserve that.

 

[LeavingEarly]

Yes I agree. Please don't do this. There are people that really want to live and others like me who don't but don't take that feeling away from the ones who wish to live a long time.

 

[Enigmatic Sailor]

This is pretty fucked, like REALLY fucked.

 

[PaperGodzilla]

I think that even the must fucked up people who hurt others don't deserve to be killed. When I was in middle school I was bullied for 3 years and ran with somewhat the same kind of hatred toward others. Today I still don't want to live and I am broken but I left those events behind me, and I knew some years of happiness in high school before adulthood. I swear, this is possible. I even obtained apologies from one of those people who bullied me in the past. Let them live, they will eventually change and feel guilty about what they did. I believe that killing those people will not make this world a better place to live in but make it darker.

 

[Enigmatic Sailor]

Is this an April Fools' prank, btw?

 

[Gsvko]

Look at it like this: if you do that, you'll kys anyway. So just skip it, there's no point.

 

[its-about-time]

I have these urges from time to time. I have a very hidden violent sadist inside me and sometimes when I'm contemplating ctb I wind up planning a killing spree that ends in suicide by cop. Other times, I randomly find I'm again obsessed with wanting to torture and kill, and the shame from that causes me to want to die. It's a part of myself that I really, really am ashamed of. Very few people know. Those who know, I wish I hadn't told them.

Look. These kinds of thoughts are really hard to experience, and getting help is even harder. There is just a LOT of fear surrounding this subject, with good reason, alongside stigma. The best thing for me has been having an outlet. I largely forbid myself from watching videos of that stuff these days because it just feeds the fantasy. Instead I express it creatively. I'm into writing & recording songs, journaling, making short interactive fiction games, that kind of thing. I also trust my therapist enough to tell her and get it off my chest when I'm going that direction. Have these things cured me? No. Has it made me feel better? Absolutely.

I've engaged in animal slaughter a few times, and I don't think I'd recommend it. It just sort of pours gasoline on the fire. As does watching videos of people being murdered. Try not to engage directly with these urges and instead find an outlet that works for you to redirect the intensity.

You can PM me if you want to chat more. Of course, I absolutely do not want you to hurt another person or people. For so many reasons. You do not have my blessing on this idea. But I can relate to what you're feeling and I'm here to listen and offer my perspective if you'd like. Its a hard subject many are unable to relate to or are unwilling to engage in a conversation about.

 

[Graytaichi]

Dont do that ,die with dignity. Chances of you succeeding is very slim very silm. Be kind to yourself ,others moxking you are not ment to be.

 

[finalexit]

I'm sorry to hear that none of the treatments have worked for you and that people including your friends and family have been treating you poorly. I understand why you might be feeling this way. Humans can be awful. I hope you do find loving people who show that they care or that you can at least feel less alone in this online community. Wish life made more sense.

 

[doli_o]

Hey - I'm sorry you're dealing with all this shit, but please don't harm other people. I also don't want you to hurt yourself but given how we're all in this forum, I (/everyone here) can at least relate to you in that respect.

You mention you've been trying to get help - sounds like it's been frustrating but might be worth persevering with...could you keep trying to talk to a doctor/professional IRL?

 

[sealbabies]

I beg you don't. I support our individual choice to ctb because it is our own lives we are deciding.
Messed up to take that choice away from anyone - meaning those who wish to live have their choice, please respect that itself.

 

[Chiisai]

No. You are not only endangering yourself but also your family and this community. This may count as premeditated.

 

[Lost Magic]

I have no time for mass shooters. All you are doing is causing more pain and rightfully be labelled a callous and evil person. Sorry to be raw, but you need to hand yourself in, if you are having these thoughts. You are too much of a danger to yourself and the public. Find new ways of channelling your hate and anger in more positive ways and if you need the feeling of hurting others, do it in video games or go to the gym and beat the fuck out of those bags, but please don't 'ever' think of mass killing people. You will bring nothing but more pain to the world and yourself.

 

[meetapple]

Sometimes I fantasize about how I would like to get back at people who have made life difficult for me. However, my life would be over at that point. So what good would it bring you?

Also, I would bring shame upon my family. I understand you may not have a family that you care about. But you can still show you are better than these people and don't act on these urges. Your self control is all you really have in life.

 

[NothingElseMatters]

i know people equals shit, but don't do this. if you survive, you are screwed.

 

[Red Scare]

Can I tell him to do it or is that against the post.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Jesus fucking Christ, you're a fucking sociopathic psychopath. Are you over 18, should you even be here?

I've engaged in animal slaughter a few times

Seriously, what the fucking fuck is this shit? Well gee, I'm glad you "wouldn't recommend it". Fucking sociopaths in here.

I've been so infatuated by violence and the people who commit these types of crimes that it's all I can think about.

What are you, 16 years old? Jesus. This shit doesn't make you "edgy". It makes you a fucking psycho. This isn't what we are here for. This is a pro-choice forum, not a pro-murder one. I hope I am not alone when I say this shit is not welcome here. No good can come from this shit.

I may go ahead and ctb so I won't go through with it.

About the only thing you have said that makes sense.

 

[Al Cappella]

And ppl worry about suicidality shutting this site down. This is gross. If you're having that sort of urge, and you have the means, then for god's sake tell someone in crisis care and get yourself checked in. Like seriously already.

 

[sealbabies]

I would want to report this whole thing, but I'm afraid it will create further spite and ill-will in those posting certain things in here...
Please, please do not do these things or encourage. I understand people have different ways at looking at the world, but if you want the right to feel anything or think anything - don't take it away from others. You do not know everyone else. And honestly, a lot of people will not know you. Thinking you're above everything is a sad excuse.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Also if this is an April Fool's joke, it's fucking tasteless and disgusting.

 

[lostmylove]

You probably aren't first person to think of this, but you've got to realise that would traumatize potentially hundreds of lives. You obviously got a hatred of the world, there's no need to respond to that hatred by more hatred.

If you wish to ctb I genuinely think it should be done where you respect yourself and go with dignity rather than cause pain. Despite what you typed you aren't a monster, you've been forced into feeling like this.

But you will not have to act on this feeling in order to make a point because I seriously don't think you'd understand how much you'd hurt people who don't deserve that.

You'd end up causing untold suffering please don't do it.

 

[Chiisai]

I would want to report this whole thing, but I'm afraid it will create further spite and ill-will in those posting certain things in here...
Please, please do not do these things or encourage. I understand people have different ways at looking at the world, but if you want the right to feel anything or think anything - don't take it away from others. You do not know everyone else. And honestly, a lot of people will not know you. Thinking you're above everything is a sad excuse.

We will have to think things through more. If you do that, it might just jeopardize this forum for all we know. Im not saying you're in the wrong, im just saying lets think things through first and observe what will be the responses before we deem it necessary.

 

[sealbabies]

We will have to think things through more. If you do that, it might just jeopardize this forum for all we know. Im not saying you're in the wrong, im just saying lets think things through first and observe what will be the responses before we deem it necessary.

That's why I haven't. I'm afraid to for obvious reasons.

 

[farago]

As much as I believe that anyone should be free to do whatever they choose with their own life (including ending it), this rule only apply to yourself.

You do NOT have any right whatsoever to end the life of another human being.

 

[Chiisai]

What the fuck is wrong with you? Jesus fucking Christ, you're a fucking sociopathic psychopath. Are you over 18, should you even be here?

Seriously, what the fucking fuck is this shit? Well gee, I'm glad you "wouldn't recommend it". Fucking sociopaths in here.

What are you, 16 years old? Jesus. This shit doesn't make you "edgy". It makes you a fucking psycho. This isn't what we are here for. This is a pro-choice forum, not a pro-murder one. I hope I am not alone when I say this shit is not welcome here. No good can come from this shit.

About the only thing you have said that makes sense.

If these are underaged users, the admins of this forum should consider a more secure way of registration. God forbid new users will be asked to provide IDs just to prove age.

As much as I believe that anyone should be free to do whatever they choose with their own life (including ending it), this rule only apply to yourself.

You do NOT have any right whatsoever to end the life of another human being.

True. I truly hope @erdbeeren takes kindly of what the other users have said. May logic and compassion dwell in him.

 

[Red Scare]

The people here trying to appeal to this persons sense of decency, you do realize that has never stopped a psychopathic killer before? Do you think those mass shooters don't know that they are taking away lives from people who wanted to live?

This should be met with condemnation, and no understanding whatsoever. If this dumbass thinks that being shot by cops is a good way to die, they obviously have watched too many movies where the bad guy gets shot and then is dead in the next frame. Instead of thinking how much it would hurt to sit there and bleed to death from multiple gunshot wounds. As if suicide by cop would be instant or painless. Fucking moron.

I want it to be said that no one will remember this loser. They don't even say the names of mass shooters on the news anymore. They'll receive no notoriety, no fame, no one will care to remember their name, and even if they did, no one would remember even 2 years from now, because who the fuck remembers any news story from two years ago? This person will be forgotten about, like they deserve to be.

 

[Circles]

Hey I don't have the words of wisdom for posts like this usually and I'm sorry for what you're going through but I can understand it. That hate and rage where you don't know what to do with anymore. There's no valve or way to release all that pressure building up inside you and I get it. But actions have consequences and I promise you it's not going to go down like you imagine like it will. Once you go down that path, once you pull that trigger it's done and over with. But just try to listen to us before you make a bad decision that can ruin not only your life but countless others. You don't know what can happen once the chaos starts and you don't know if your actions might lead to more suffering and even other people becoming suicidal themselves. And do you really want that? Do you want others to suffer more than you? Look I understand the pain is just too much to handle sometimes but this is no way to go about handling it as it'll only cause more pain and more senseless suffering. Please I beg you to stop and think before you do anything cause you don't know what will happen. Please try to rest okay if you can.

 

[Gsvko]

Can I tell him to do it or is that against the post.

Those people are not the ones that hurt you.
Won't fix anything in you, but make you fall darker, except now there will be nobody who'll want to help you or empathise in any way. If you wanna try fixing, you have to find other ways. So far it's only thoughts and a proper therapist might listen to you. Those are hard to find, I know. If you wanna change it, sounds like you'll have a lot of work on your hands. A regular person can't relate to you with this and chances are, you'll just scare them and feel like a monster, develop more hatred.
I can relate to being in so much pain, so frequently hurt to completely lose trust in people and paint them all with the same brush. It's not voluntary and is very scary, but you don't want to go that path.
Seems like you have an emergency, something needs to be done fast.
The help you need, I think, is out of scope for this forum.
Edit: won't lie, got scared by some comments that you actually might do it. I assumed that by seriously thinking you meant just that, intrusive thougths. Can you reassure us in some way myb

 

[lostmylove]

The people here trying to appeal to this persons sense of decency, you do realize that has never stopped a psychopathic killer before? Do you think those mass shooters don't know that they are taking away lives from people who wanted to live?

This should be met with condemnation, and no understanding whatsoever. If this dumbass thinks that being shot by cops is a good way to die, they obviously have watched too many movies where the bad guy gets shot and then is dead in the next frame. Instead of thinking how much it would hurt to sit there and bleed to death from multiple gunshot wounds. As if suicide by cop would be instant or painless. Fucking moron.

I want it to be said that no one will remember this loser. They don't even say the names of mass shooters on the news anymore. They'll receive no notoriety, no fame, no one will care to remember their name, and even if they did, no one would remember even 2 years from now, because who the fuck remembers any news story from two years ago? This person will be forgotten about, like they deserve to be.

Idk. He's not a psychotic killer yet. Not sure calling him names like this is helpful. He's obviously been a victim of life and unless he acts on these feelings, there is still some things he can do to make things right even if that includes suicide if that's his wish.

Maybe he's just being honest. I'm sure a lot of people have thoughts of worse things they don't air in public.

If he thinks like this, rationality and being reasoned with is probably a better method to speak to him like a human, rather than alienate him further and shut out these feelings publicly and think about them more in the dark places of his mind alone.

 

[Circles]

Idk. He's not a psychotic killer yet. Not sure calling him names like this is helpful. He's obviously been a victim of life and unless he acts on these feelings, there is still some things he can do to make things right even if that includes suicide if that's his wish.

Maybe he's just being honest. I'm sure a lot of people have thoughts of worse things they don't air in public.

If he thinks like this, rationality and being reasoned with is probably a better method to speak to him like a human, rather than alienate him further and shut out these feelings publicly and think about them more in the dark places of his mind alone.

Yep pushing him away from probably the only place where he can talk about this might make him do this. Anyone calling him names needs to shut up cause peoples lives are on the line.