Discussion self harm is weird

[Leonard_Bangley39]

A little over a month ago i started self harming by cutting myself on my forearms with a small razor i took out of a disposable shaving razor. Back then, I did it as a way to vent out all my negative feelings and just clear my head for a while.

I could just forget about everything else in the world for a bit and focus on one thing. The stinging feeling when i would cut, the lingering burning feeling afterwards, the rough feeling when they would scab up, the look of the scars. I honestly liked it.

I really liked looking at the blood dripping down my arms and onto the floor while doing it, and i especially liked looking at the cuts and scars afterwards. Im not sure why.


after a while, things started to pick up a bit. at first i would only do a few cuts on my left arm, but very quickly, my sessions turned into doing cuts all over both forearms until i ran out of space, or until the blade dulled too much.

There was one session where i was cutting while in the shower to make clean up easier. Nornally, since my razor was really dull and shitty, all my cuts were very shallow. Mostly just epidermis deep cat scratches with no separation.

During this session, I had done tons of cat scratches across both forearms while sitting on the edge of the tub before turning on the shower. And while in the shower, i felt kinda disappointed with how small they looked and decided to do some more while standing in the shower.

Im not sure if it was because all the small cuts before had sort of numbed me up a little bit, but this time i managed to cut deeper, at least to the dermis layer, it definitely wasnt fat layer. Deep enough to cause a small bit of separation and bleed slightly more and leave a much more visible scar.

I don't know why i feel this way, but every time i look at those deeper scars, i really like them. Its gotten to the point qhere i dont wven want to self harm out of sadness or hate or as a coping mechanism to vent out my frustrations. I just want to cut because i want more deep scars like those dermis cuts.

Idk if its an addiction, it doesnt feel like one. It feels more like im just not having the appropriate reaction to all of this then i should. I like it. I like the cuts and i really like the scars. I want my entire upper arms to be covered in those wide dermis level scars. i love the way they look. its almost like a boredom thing.

i havent cut in a few days because i dont have any razors good enough to cut with and ive stipped myself from buying any genuine flat razors because i fear that if i get a real razor, ill get even more carried away and start cutting deeper.

But this all just feels weird. How did this manage to go from a coping mechanism for me feeling like shit to loving it and basically just doing it out of boredom?

 

[daruino]

Yes... the first time when I cut and reached the deeper layer my skin kind of opened, then took a few seconds to fill with blood, and it felt like an epiphany. I also really liked how it looked, but the scars are more severe,, and harder to heal so I use butterfly bandages to close it up again (in case you ever need something like that as well). But I also like the look of wider scars,..

I guess I (used to) cut to feel something, different from earlier negative emotions. It sometimes felt quite exhilarating. It makes sense to then also do it when bored, to feel something again, perhaps some distraction from boredness.

It feels more like im just not having the appropriate reaction to all of this then i should. I like it.

I think what you're describing is pretty common for people who cut. They like looking at their scars, for example because it's a physical representation of the pain they're going through, that can't as properly be expressed elsewhere. And it also tends to worsen over time because people feel the need to either increase the quantity or intensity (deeper,, wider scars,, etc)

It's good you can recognize that you may end up cutting deeper when using a different blade, and that sounds somewhat dangerous so I do want to caution you, even though that probably doesn't matter to you,,
I do suggest having the materials to take care of eventual wounds, in case you go too deep. But also be careful with dermis cuts, the wider they are the harder to heal and just at least be cautious to not let it get infected, and heal well ...

I wonder, if you were to stop cutting for a couple of days would you still think to cut when bored? Or would the feelings of necessity perhaps decrease?

 

[sanctionedusage]

its very addicting and released tons of endorphins for me. felt more of a high from that than from actually getting faded. i couldnt go more than 24hrs without cutting & aiming for enough bleeding to cover the surface of the sink basin. now im squeamish and iron deficient so i don't cut anymore, specifically.

 

[Leonard_Bangley39]

But also be careful with dermis cuts, the wider they are the harder to heal and just at least be cautious to not let it get infected, and heal well ...

while i do clean them to make sure they don't get infected, i didn't want them to heal closed up. i want them to be wide so that they leave behind a bigger scar when they scab over.

I wonder, if you were to stop cutting for a couple of days would you still think to cut when bored? Or would the feelings of necessity perhaps decrease?

i definitely feel like the feeling of necessity is way lower than it was when i first started. when i first started cutting, i left my razor in my room and the entire day while i was in class, i felt like shit and all i could think about was wanting to cut.

i still think about wanting to cut sometimes but it's less like a smoker needing to smoke and more like resisting getting a snack