Venting I've made a deeper scar in my cutting session today

[Cauliflour]

Tbh I wasn't even trying: I was just going over a fresh cut and I guess I pressed a bit too deep with my utility knife cause the cut was the deepest I've ever made before! I'm pretty pathetic when it comes to self harm: I can't do the super deep cuts I see on forums like this with captions that go like "don't fucking do this cause you'll need stitches and it'll be infected and just don't do it" so this surprised me when I saw it. I was wondering why the blood wasn't doing it's usual little spherical overflow thing that it usually does, so I took a closer look at it and I realised it's cause that blood is in the cut still cause it's deep enough, kinda like a flooded valley. I also couldn't clean it just with my usual fabric scrap cause it wasn't surface level so I had to go clean it with tap water. I don't usually put plasters on my cuts cause usually they stop bleeding after a few minutes, but I was paranoid that my favourite cut was gonna get infected so it's got a plaster on now. I don't know how it'll heal but I presume it'll take longer but make a much more distinct (and eventually white and raised) scar.

Did make me realise how much damage it takes nowadays for me to be satisfied. A few years ago I would just make a few really shallow cuts that let out dots of blood, and that would be enough to satisfy my urge. Before then all I needed to do was draw a knife across the skin, not even draw blood. However nowadays I need to do multiple fairly bloody cuts every few days otherwise I start losing motivation and willpower and within a week I'm lying on my bed wondering what the fuck I'm doing with my life. Is this healthy? Fuck no. Is this easier than acknowledging whatever emotional baggage I have bottled up mentally that I'm mostly not even aware of? Absolutely! Does make me paranoid that in a few years, I'm gonna have to do a load of plaster worthy cuts on the daily just to emotionally function and not slip into depression. Addictions are a bitch but I've been doing it for so long that I don't even see it as a problem anymore, it's just that thing I do cause I like it. Actually nowadays it's more like my form of antidepressants, constantly trying to ride the high of dopamine because pain is one of the few things in this world that I can feel and understand properly so it's comforting when you live in a body that can't even decide if it's hungry or not.

 

[apearl]

Yeah unfortunately most people with self harm end up in the rabbit hole of it never being deep enough in the end. I struggled recently with a bad relapse and also am confronted with the worries on how this will impact my future. I think scars are pretty and not bad at all but the field I want to go in, I really can't let my scars show. I already got large scars on enough places that I am gonna need to wear long sleeves and pants everyday now.

Please stay safe. From how you described it, it sounds dermis layer cut, which from my experience tend to heal as a very subtly raised scar in the same shape as the cut. If you want to reduce the size of the scar, use steri strips/butterfly bandages. They work wonders. I hope eventually you'll be able to figure out a coping mechanism that could replace cutting though, I think your right in the fact that its unstable in how helpful it can be. You deserve a better life and ways to cope that are nicer to yourself.

Your drawing is cute! :)

 

[Cauliflour]

Yeah unfortunately most people with self harm end up in the rabbit hole of it never being deep enough in the end. I struggled recently with a bad relapse and also am confronted with the worries on how this will impact my future. I think scars are pretty and not bad at all but the field I want to go in, I really can't let my scars show. I already got large scars on enough places that I am gonna need to wear long sleeves and pants everyday now.

Please stay safe. From how you described it, it sounds dermis layer cut, which from my experience tend to heal as a very subtly raised scar in the same shape as the cut. If you want to reduce the size of the scar, use steri strips/butterfly bandages. They work wonders. I hope eventually you'll be able to figure out a coping mechanism that could replace cutting though, I think your right in the fact that its unstable in how helpful it can be. You deserve a better life and ways to cope that are nicer to yourself.

Your drawing is cute! :)

The annoying thing is that I want my scars to heal very visibly and take ages, but to do that you need to either expose them for UV (which will get me questions) or be super unclean but then they get infected and infected wounds are not pretty. By like a week the scars are all scabby and in their ugly phase before they fade and eventually go white (my old scars are going white now, it's making me pleased!)

 

[thefirstluminary]

I never got the whole self-harm thingy. I just want to know, from someone who's never done it... what does it feel like? When you cut your wrists, is it satisfying? Do you actually feel the pain?

 

[Cauliflour]

I never got the whole self-harm thingy. I just want to know, from someone who's never done it... what does it feel like? When you cut your wrists, is it satisfying? Do you actually feel the pain?

You feel the metal against your skin, followed by a sharp jolt of pain. In my case I need a few before I'm satisfied. If you go over a cut a few times then the drag causes this lingering feeling of sharpness that goes away mostly once the blade has been removed. The jolt of pain followed by the flow of blood emerging is so satisfying and you feel so in control for a sec. Then the hand part of the arm feels kinda weird for like 2 hours afterwards if you immediately go onto your computer and start tapping away at the keyboard.

 

[twitter]

Love the drawing! Stay safe friend.

 

[thefirstluminary]

You feel the metal against your skin, followed by a sharp jolt of pain. In my case I need a few before I'm satisfied. If you go over a cut a few times then the drag causes this lingering feeling of sharpness that goes away mostly once the blade has been removed. The jolt of pain followed by the flow of blood emerging is so satisfying and you feel so in control for a sec. Then the hand part of the arm feels kinda weird for like 2 hours afterwards if you immediately go onto your computer and start tapping away at the keyboard.

How do you even have the courage to do it?
I watched some self-harm videos on gore sites once, and it made me feel numb. My hand felt heavy and weird it was this strange feeling, but it actually felt good. It was the first time I felt something while watching something gory. It felt like my hand was being cut, not theirs. After that, I decided to try it out and see what the appeal was. I was about to put the knife to my skin, but I chickened out at the last second and just went to sleep
pic related was me lol

 

[Cauliflour]

How do you even have the courage to do it?
I watched some self-harm videos on gore sites once, and it made me feel numb. My hand felt heavy and weird it was this strange feeling, but it actually felt good. It was the first time I felt something while watching something gory. It felt like my hand was being cut, not theirs. After that, I decided to try it out and see what the appeal was. I was about to put the knife to my skin, but I chickened out at the last second and just went to sleep
pic related was me lol

I started young just by whacking a knife onto my wrist to calm down and it slowly built up from there. I think if you're trying to go head first into stitches territory then you're gonna have a hard time. You get stitches by doing it for so long that that's all that can satisfy you now. idk it's hard to explain cause my motive is dogshit

 

[thefirstluminary]

I think if you're trying to go head first into stitches

I DON'T WANT TO... I was just curious
Do normal people get the same feeling out of it, or is it different for mentally ill people? I've always kind of assumed that cutting is just for people who are completely down bad and unstable

 

[Cauliflour]

I DON'T WANT TO... I was just curious
Do normal people get the same feeling out of it, or is it different for mentally ill people? I've always kind of assumed that cutting is just for people who are completely down bad and unstable

you'd be surprised how common it is, especially in teenagers...

i'd wouldn't call myself "mentally ill" so i guess it's more enjoyable or more painful for them?

 

[thefirstluminary]

you'd be surprised how common it is, especially in teenagers...

i'd wouldn't call myself "mentally ill" so i guess it's more enjoyable or more painful for them?

I know it's common with teens I have a classmate who does it and she told me it feels really good. But now I can't get it out of my head. The more I hear about it, the more I actually want to try it. Just talking about it gives me this weird feeling, but then again, I don't want to do it. Ugh, ahhhhhh!

 

[Cauliflour]

I know it's common with teens I have a classmate who does it and she told me it feels really good. But now I can't get it out of my head. The more I hear about it, the more I actually want to try it. Just talking about it gives me this weird feeling, but then again, I don't want to do it. Ugh, ahhhhhh!

Don't try it. You'll end up in a right mess down the line.

 

[turned_to_one]

I never got the whole self-harm thingy. I just want to know, from someone who's never done it... what does it feel like? When you cut your wrists, is it satisfying? Do you actually feel the pain?

I think it's pretty different for everyone,

but ive been a self-harmer for over 13 years (cutting mostly), though I'm always careful not to go too deep because I don't want to get caught or questioned about it.

It's like this:
it starts with a high intensity feeling. it's like all the pressure is building inside, and it's almost sickening. sweaty but cold, heart racing stomach clenching. you feel trapped and so you grab whatever tool and let it go against your arm until something gives.

the first one is a sharp zing, and is kind of like a slap -a wake up. like that horrible panic your were feeling before has been replaced with surprise

the second one is acceptance, now you're awake and ready to commit to another

the third one is an indulgence. the other two are burning stinging, and by the time you've done the third (and usually more) that hit stinging feeling settles into a cold ache. the rest of you starts to feel cold and lax, like a pleasant exhausted buzz after running for a while.


it feels like mercy and weed dished out by your own hand. the aftercare is nice

 

[thefirstluminary]

Don't try it. You'll end up in a right mess down the line.

I'm such a bitch. I won't even think about doing it anymore lol

I think it's pretty different for everyone,

but ive been a self-harmer for over 13 years (cutting mostly), though I'm always careful not to go too deep because I don't want to get caught or questioned about it.

It's like this:
it starts with a high intensity feeling. it's like all the pressure is building inside, and it's almost sickening. sweaty but cold, heart racing stomach clenching. you feel trapped and so you grab whatever tool and let it go against your arm until something gives.

the first one is a sharp zing, and is kind of like a slap -a wake up. like that horrible panic your were feeling before has been replaced with surprise

the second one is acceptance, now you're awake and ready to commit to another

the third one is an indulgence. the other two are burning stinging, and by the time you've done the third (and usually more) that hit stinging feeling settles into a cold ache. the rest of you starts to feel cold and lax, like a pleasant exhausted buzz after running for a while.


it feels like mercy and weed dished out by your own hand. the aftercare is nice

This feels like heaven... I wanna try it now joking
I always chase this kinda of feelings but it's so rare I get a feeling like this and it only come out of nowhere it usually happens randomly out of nowhere or when I watch videos of people doing self harm

 

[Cauliflour]

I'm such a bitch. I won't even think about doing it anymore lol

This feels like heaven... I wanna try it now joking
I always chase this kinda of feelings but it's so rare I get a feeling like this and it only come out of nowhere it usually happens randomly out of nowhere or when I watch videos of people doing self harm

Maybe you should lay off the videos. Don't encourage your brain to get interested.

 

[thefirstluminary]

View attachment 201087
Maybe you should lay off the videos. Don't encourage your brain to get interested.

That's cute ♥
Don't worry I won't

Don't encourage your brain to get interested.

I sometimes get this urge to watch gore, and clicking on just one video starts a whole endless cycle of surfing across different videos. But it's all good now

 

[turned_to_one]

This feels like heaven... I wanna try it now joking
I always chase this kinda of feelings but it's so rare I get a feeling like this and it only come out of nowhere it usually happens randomly out of nowhere or when I watch videos of people doing self harm

gotta agree with @Cauliflour
lay off the vids and don't do it. don't humour it.

i know what i said may sound glamorous to some, but it's a cold and unfulfilling feeling afterwards that only grows and gets worse over time.

you don't really clue in to how much it really is an addiction until you're 27 cuts into a single session, wondering why it doesn't work as good as it did the first dozen times.

it's a lazy and cheap alternative to a real solution, and as obnoxious as it is to hear, it's still gotta be said: it's going to take a lot of time and work to address whatever you're covering up with the pain.

30 really isn't so old, but i'm still having a hard time quitting. i'm down to doing it only a handful of times a year, and god is it still a hard handful. and that's probably the worst part: even though i'm not doing it very much, i still think about doing it -am painfully compelled to do it, at least 40% of the days in a year.

I have a wonderful partner of many years now, and they still have a hard time with the idea that this is a massive improvement for me.

I don't blame them. It took me until my 30s to actually develop enough emotional maturity to be empathetic -not just the pseudo intellectual kind you usually have in your teens and 20s. I can see the marks from their perspective, and I know the helpless pain they endure knowing that I was hurting badly enough to do this, but still not being able to keep it from happening.

there's no shame in it for me. i had a rough childhood and that was the only resource i had at my disposal. even though i made many attempts on my life, i probably would have made far more if i didn't have self harm available. if life were kinder, i would have gone to therapy when i begged my parents for it. or they would have had better upbringings themselves, and could have shown what forgiveness and selflessness should look like towards a child instead of… everything else. it's not an evil or cool thing. it's an unfortunate thing.

just don't do it, if you can help it. it's a double edged sword (pardon the pun), and it's so much trouble to move on from because it essentially makes you more emotionally stupid the more you rely on it.

 

[thefirstluminary]

gotta agree with @Cauliflour
lay off the vids and don't do it. don't humour it.

i know what i said may sound glamorous to some, but it's a cold and unfulfilling feeling afterwards that only grows and gets worse over time.

you don't really clue in to how much it really is an addiction until you're 27 cuts into a single session, wondering why it doesn't work as good as it did the first dozen times.

it's a lazy and cheap alternative to a real solution, and as obnoxious as it is to hear, it's still gotta be said: it's going to take a lot of time and work to address whatever you're covering up with the pain.

30 really isn't so old, but i'm still having a hard time quitting. i'm down to doing it only a handful of times a year, and god is it still a hard handful. and that's probably the worst part: even though i'm not doing it very much, i still think about doing it -am painfully compelled to do it, at least 40% of the days in a year
I have a wonderful partner of many years now, and they still have a hard time with the idea that this is a massive improvement for me.

I don't blame them. It took me until my 30s to actually develop enough emotional maturity to be empathetic -not just the pseudo intellectual kind you usually have in your teens and 20s. I can see the marks from their perspective, and I know the helpless pain they endure knowing that I was hurting badly enough to do this, but still not being able to keep it from happening.

there's no shame in it for me. i had a rough childhood and that was the only resource i had at my disposal. even though i made many attempts on my life, i probably would have made far more if i didn't have self harm available. if life were kinder, i would have gone to therapy when i begged my parents for it. or they would have had better upbringings themselves, and could have shown what forgiveness and selflessness should look like towards a child instead of… everything else. it's not an evil or cool thing. it's an unfortunate thing.

just don't do it, if you can help it. it's a double edged sword (pardon the pun), and it's so much trouble to move on from because it essentially makes you more emotionally stupid the more you rely on it.

I'm very sorry being 30 and still going through this must be rough but don't worry I will never try it I will also stop watching self harm videos too thanks for sharing your story with me♥