Scrooged up life

[Slough Walker]

I lurked about a year and finally joined to use the search feature. I'm grateful to find an online space that treats end-of-life choices with compassion and without judgment, while encouraging and supporting those in recovery.

Lately, I'm comparing my existence to Ebenezer Scrooge in Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol. Scrooge was disregarded, objectified, and treated with contempt throughout his childhood. He succeeded in business but failed in love. His only support system was his similarly self-loathing business partner Jacob Marley. By the end when Scrooge decides he wants to go on living, I'm left asking: Why bother? His best years are behind him. His potential is dried up. At best, he'll be remembered positively by a few people he helped personally. Everyone else will see him as an oddity. He's like a tobacco leaf, only useful once dead and dried up to be rolled, smoked, and enjoyed by the still-living.

I'm fortunate to have a good career doing work that I enjoy. In love and relationships, it's been an almost total failure. It took until my late 30's to expel my toxic family of origin from my life. I made a few attempts here and there since then to connect with others, with little success and mostly failure.

After years of escapism into binge eating and cannabis, I'm now sober for three weeks and starting a ketogenic diet. However, I don't allow fantasies about a better life. My motivation is not some late-in-life recovery and a final toss of the bones. I'm doing this because I refuse to die fat and stoned. I demand to see my true face in the mirror before I leave. After that, I'll give myself permission to exit peacefully. I don't have a method, and I won't give that serious thought until I reach the goal.

Without meaning to minimize any else's motivation or hard work, I ask: Why bother? Aside from my stated goal of seeing my true face before I go, what other purpose is there? I've had a couple little "tastes" of the fun that I missed out on in my 20's, and it's just not the same in my 40's. To reclaim the youthful fun and connection that I missed out on is an illusion. I'm not religious because I just can't pretend to believe the unbelievable, and I apply that to every area of life. If I'm deceiving myself, I won't relax and enjoy the moment.

Having decided that it's too late to pursue hedonism, the only purpose I can think of is to be of service to others. However, that feels unjust and unfair to me. Nobody intervened to help me when I needed it. I've walked through the Slough of Despond without help and taken the stones and pebbles that life tossed at me from the start. All I have to show for it is a good career, but even that didn't take off until my late 30's, and the education and job search that led to my career wasn't kind. Since no one cared about me back when it mattered, it comes off as self-deprecating to care about others.

To wrap this up, I sometimes wish that I were shameless. Years ago, I saw a young woman and an elderly man embracing and kissing in public. From the age disparity, it's unthinkable that they were together for any reason other than his money and her youth. And yet, neither of them showed even a hint of self-consciousness. It's easy to judge the dirty old man, and that memory makes me feel queasy. But he appeared to embrace his dirtiness. His shamelessness, his refusal to judge himself, might have made him one of the luckiest men alive.

 

[Ephemeron]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I'm sorry that your life has led you here. For what it's worth, you sound like a decent guy.

To wrap this up, I sometimes wish that I were shameless. Years ago, I saw a young woman and an elderly man embracing and kissing in public. From the age disparity, it's unthinkable that they were together for any reason other than his money and her youth. And yet, neither of them showed even a hint of self-consciousness. It's easy to judge the dirty old man, and that memory makes me feel queasy. But he appeared to embrace his dirtiness. His shamelessness, his refusal to judge himself, might have made him one of the luckiest men alive.

I've thought like this myself. I mean, envying people like that. But I just can't change myself. I wish I could not give a shit. I can't be someone I'm not :(

 

[escape_from_hell]

With enough energy and motivation it is possible to summon up the spirits again.
I relate exactly with you though, 40s now had career, had relationships, traveled, suffered a lot but also took advantage of privileges where possible. I actually went really hard at it in youth which I'm not sure if I regret or not, I was aware it was all transitory and tried to have gratitude but it fades away nonetheless. Very, very seldom were the struggles worth the rewards, and rewards came from luck or limited opportunities more than effort by a massive margin.

But, I'm like a shitty mass-produced battery. No recharge. I'm drained. If it wasn't even worth the much more intense effort I was willing to put into my prime, there likely won't be much payout going forward except for the aforementioned luck, which is literally a gamble and the odds are not good given my life condition.

The only thing that could restore energy and motivation is some 'passion' that everyone talks about. "Just find your passion. Like, what do you enjoy? It's not that hard hardy harr harr "
Been trying lots of shit. Honestly think I did way too much different stuff as youth, experienced and learned a lot very quickly and has made it all dull. Severe anhedonia now, chronic pain that I literally realized is connected to my mental state as well--without the passion and fire for life my body is no shit punishing me (anyone else experiencing this? I know it's psychosomatic because the rare windows of hope that visit come with immediate and miraculous relief and restored mobility).

You can try service to others. I think the key is you need to be a REAL BELIEVER. Part of the problem getting old and having been through a lot is the jadedness, negative or realistic thinking, knowledge of pointlessness, awareness that your actions won't be valued anyway and so forth. If you're a true believer I think it all falls into place. I have tried self-deception but it doesn't work. Like I can't just decide right now "okay, I am now a faithful adherent to this or that religion or ideology, let's do this." It needs to be genuine. If you think your efforts are making a difference, and you also must value that difference, then it will be rewarding and give you drive.

Another problem with the finding passion thing...I'm running out of will to even try new things. Like. If I start up pottery tomorrow, will there really be some secret mojo there? I figure where passion has hit me in life there was already some internal draw that at least got me on the path to discovering it.

Regarding the last bit. The old man and young woman both know it is fake. They know it is a financial matter. But what else is the old man gonna do? Many of us here resort to chatting with AI bots to tell us "you're great" or really however we want the bots to treat us. It is absolutely fake but even hearing the fake stuff gives maybe SOMETHING versus total despair. Like facades on buildings. It is effective to varying degrees for different people, I think it's a personal thing. Me I generally dislike the facades, not a fan of cosmetic stuff, I do appreciate beauty form and function when it's truly a natural harmony.
The old man also knows it's a cultural thing, and cultures don't give a shit about him (or the woman who is in the financial straits to go with it) but what he can do for the culture. As an old dude he's probably been used up. As a young woman she sees it's all about money and figures that's how you get ahead. Keep in mind it could also be a two-way street, she also knows his affection is even fake but they both get something out of kind words and affection to each other. Humans make compromises in almost all relationships anyway. Both are judged for their actions, but they are fighting without shame against the constraints of this hellish world to milk at least SOMETHING out of it and like you I find it commendable even if I myself couldn't do it or get much out of it.

I feel ashamed of resorting to drugs too but I'm kinda the reverse in that my youth was spent away from what I thought of as "degeneracy" and now it's kind of, try out drugs or just die. Hell, I feel like I need kratom just for the energy to properly get my affairs in order to die. But you get less stable mood, false ups that bring hope for life. Even joy from being determined to CTB. It's an awful half-state to be in and I fear it will only get older with age unless there is a true loving and accepting social network in your life (not easy for many of us here to obtain).

Really hoping the best for you. If you can get the passion, energy and motivation you're solid.

 

[Slough Walker]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and I'm sorry that your life has led you here. For what it's worth, you sound like a decent guy.

Thank you. I like to believe that everyone on this site is a decent person who is suffering.

You can try service to others. I think the key is you need to be a REAL BELIEVER. Part of the problem getting old and having been through a lot is the jadedness, negative or realistic thinking, knowledge of pointlessness, awareness that your actions won't be valued anyway and so forth. If you're a true believer I think it all falls into place.

Humans make compromises in almost all relationships anyway. Both are judged for their actions, but they are fighting without shame against the constraints of this hellish world to milk at least SOMETHING out of it and like you I find it commendable even if I myself couldn't do it or get much out of it.

I appreciate your insights. I agree with you that to embrace positivity and an attitude of service requires being a true believer. The best I can manage is to be a good actor. That is, I might be able to put on a role just as an actor puts on a costume, taking it off again after the performance. But a full-on "heart belief"? Not a chance. I'd need to be half my age with none of my memories for that to work. Also, I like your perspective on the dirty old man and younger woman. Looking at it from the outside, maybe it takes a good amount of inner strength or self-acceptance to know that you're being judged and still be in the moment without shame.