I don't think there is anything to be embarrassed about. No matter when your death date is or is or if you are actively planning to ctb there is a comradery here. LoveTakesManyForms touched on it earlier - people who stare into the abyss are just a little bit different from everyone else. If even for a moment we have experienced that disillusion from the experience that normal people have and talking to others here can make both life and death a little less lonely in that way.