Scared but ready

[blobmarley1990]

I don't know what to do.
I've been pretty committed to ctb for the past few months. I think I even have a fairly firm time frame in mind (sometime this January). As it gets closer I can't help but feeling scared/sad about how it will affect my loved ones. But at the same time I'm still pretty sure it's what I want (life is just unbearable). Any suggestions on how to deal with that fear/pain?

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand finding it unbearable to suffer in this existence, to be free from it all is certainly what I personally wish for, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's understandable. I think a lot of members here feel the same way. It's hard to know what to do really to lessen the impact. There's practical stuff of course- getting affairs in order, wills, etc. It kind of depends I suppose whether you think your loved ones would find comfort in sorting out your stuff or, whether it's better to leave them with as little to do as possible.

Emotionally though. All I can really think of is leaving an explanation behind in a letter. Some members here have had lovely ideas (I think) of creating photo albums, scrap books, making stuff for people left behind. I've been grateful to receive letters left behind after natural deaths. Terribly sad in another way but, they've felt better than having nothing.

 

[attheend13]

I don't know what to do.
I've been pretty committed to ctb for the past few months. I think I even have a fairly firm time frame in mind (sometime this January). As it gets closer I can't help but feeling scared/sad about how it will affect my loved ones. But at the same time I'm still pretty sure it's what I want (life is just unbearable). Any suggestions on how to deal with that fear/pain?

I set a date of July 1st and I feel the same. Trudging toward that date I realize it's meaningless. The great irony is that people will only react to the death, the life itself is meaningless. No one can make 5 seconds for me. I'm invisible, a burden, a joke. But if I die well suddenly I'm what? Loved? Missed? Valued? It's all a sick joke. I guess what I'm saying is that as much as i labor over hurting people, those same people don't care that I'm here. I will write the requisite letters of apology, but actually the only value I have is something to grieve.

 

[NegevChina]

I so much understand how you feel. I'm in the same boat. I know I need to CTB soon but afraid hurting my loved ones. The thing i keep telling my self is that by staying around in my condition I'm going to hurt them even more because my condition is about to get much worse. I'm going to die any way so I better do it now with dignity and not as a burden to all.

 

[TheHolySword]

Please remember that it's okay to change your mind. I understand the pain that brings you to this decision and I understand how hard it is to make. The fear and sadness of leaving people behind is not easy, and it's not something that you have to do. If you are unsure, it's okay to take some time and truly think everything over -and maybe even see what life has to offer. I'm so sorry that life has led you here and that you have to suffer. Whatever you decide, I hope that you are able to find your peace.

 

[cazza82]

I set a date of July 1st and I feel the same. Trudging toward that date I realize it's meaningless. The great irony is that people will only react to the death, the life itself is meaningless. No one can make 5 seconds for me. I'm invisible, a burden, a joke. But if I die well suddenly I'm what? Loved? Missed? Valued? It's all a sick joke. I guess what I'm saying is that as much as i labor over hurting people, those same people don't care that I'm here. I will write the requisite letters of apology, but actually the only value I have is something to grieve.

I totally feel you on that one everyone around me makes me feel like a worthless useless invisible un important human being never felt so alone in all my life I'm 42 when people do that to you daily you start to believe it but when I decide to finally ctb all of a sudden I will no longer be invisible or useless but it will be to late this weeks been hard for me I've sat with my method in the middle of the night just thinking do it but fir whatever reason I have not

 

[attheend13]

I totally feel you on that one everyone around me makes me feel like a worthless useless invisible un important human being never felt so alone in all my life I'm 42 when people do that to you daily you start to believe it but when I decide to finally ctb all of a sudden I will no longer be invisible or useless but it will be to late this weeks been hard for me I've sat with my method in the middle of the night just thinking do it but fir whatever reason I have not

I'm up most nights crying and having panic attacks when I start to fall asleep. It's a form of torture. I'm on the 30th floor I spend my nights talking myself in and out of jumping. There's no reason not to except guilt and I guess that's enough. I won't have hope again and be crushed it's easier to swim down.