hahahahhkjsk
New Member
- Apr 17, 2026
- 1
innecessantly long post
basically reached a point where i think the only way out is ctb. i already have a plan, a goodbye letter and a 'will', just need to climb that tree and have the courage to do it. im stuck in my head and i have no one to talk to so i need an outsiders perspective if theres even anything salvageable about my life.
sorry if i format things weirdly or talk weird, it feels like im not even the one typing any of this. i speak English quite well but it has been deteriorating rapidly for some reason and i transliterate thoughts from my native language into English hence the phrasing might be atrocious sometimes.
tldr of my past; alone for most of my life, starting from kindergarten, i found it hard to socialize, few friends and i was always the second option, bullying, especially after i switched schools, teachers didn't do shit, when the bullying stopped i was just ostrachized and was the weird girl no one wanted to be near, graduated middle school. (also chronically online since i was 6 and was heavily cyberbullied by a girl for some reason, also exposed to gore very early in my life, dunno, porn at 11, the works.). i chose like a 5 year path so i had a '0th' year that was really nothing, agony; 1st yr, started well then meh; 2nd year, like a decades' worth ot stuff happened here, my best year; 3rd year, sudden nothingness, can't remember a fucking thing, its like i died and i have been dragging my corpse to this very moment. im in my 4th year now yea about to graduate. never really had any problems with studying, even with little studying i could always get an A, when i didn't study id just use ingenius methods for cheating and that always made me feel like shit and guilty. im really creative and think outside the box constantly, id say im innovative, my friend considers me really funny, also said that im the only person she couldn't get a grasp on, everyone else she could fit into an archetype, but not me.
had an """attempt""" that i wouldn't even call an attempt because its so pathetic 4 years ago, went to psychatrist, weekly sessions did nothing, then group therapy, lied my way out of it, the hospital ghosted me even though i was supposed to receive some test result, well whatever.
first ideation was when i was 8 and i vividly remember when my class was preparing for some national day event and i stood there idly bc i had nothing to do and i imagined putting my best clothes on, sitting in the bathtub, slitting my wrists and replaying the reactions of my parents when they would find my body in the morning over and over again. when i was 10 i threatened to hang myself with a peonza's / spinning toy's rope in the schoolyard and my classmates, even my bullies gathered there. self harm at 11, the longest time ive been clean was a year and that was before relapsing at 12 again. ednos since 13, which never lead anywhere, constantly relapsing and then 'recovering' by ignoring how much i hate myself, still to this day. at 13 i thought i wouldn't make it till my 15th birthday, at 15, till my 18th, now im turning 20 soon. so... have had ideation All my life. always had a breaking point where i was like 'fuck it tonights the night' but never really got as far as now, i have a plan, a letter, just need the courage, thats the only thing stopping me.
possibly undiagnosed borderline? although im not sure with the clusterfuck of shit in my head. depression runs in my family, grandma was suicidal, probably inherited that shit. paranoia, delusions, dissociation, compulsions, obsessive, self-destructive, black and white thinking anf constant splitting, you know the rest. a beautiful concoction of symptoms. i refuse to get diagnosed for some reason and i dont want to go to a professional either because im stubborn and think i know better than them and because i don't want this shit put under my name on all my documents. triple shooting myself in the foot with every act of self sabotage.
i literally don't have a stable foundation of self. i can't plan for longer than a week, my identity rearranges itself every two weeks now, i feel like a foreigner in my life. therefore i have no sense of self and i only have what im vaguely interested in or like at that very moment. i have no plans for the future because of it, the only plan i have feels impossible to execute now because i wasted all my fucking years on nothing. i wanted to do something with art and writing but i fucking suck at it even now and don't have the time to relearn it all over again. i have nothing to show for my wasted years, i did nothing creative or tangible, theres nothing.
it feels like i have multiple personalities that just float in the aether and that im schizophrenic but i know im not. like my emotional instability creates such huge valleys that i feel like each mood swing is a distinct personality at this point.
i can't bring myself to do anything(????!?!?;!&!;'!). i spend my time rotting away and smoking. i fucking hate smoking and at this point its a compulsion, not a physical addiction. my brain is fucked. i have no romantic desires, i am not attracted to anyone, i don't have a sexuality or drive and im ashamed of the fantasies i jerk to compulsively even if it hurts to do and afterwards i want to rip my face off every time.
im graduating soon and my exams are also in 2 weeks. i haven't been in school since march 6 under the guise of staying at home to study because the education system here is retarded and its a waste of time and i squandered all my time at home too. i don't know whether to do it before my finals, or try to make something out of it and then if i flunk them, after that. i don't want to go to university, i chose psychology as my major and i ticked in random shit as backup because my mom is vehement about me going to university but thats not what i want to do, what im interested in is not taught in university or anywhere else. doesn't also help that ive learnt to despise higher institutions and their indoctrination and the debt slavery that comes with obtaining an useless degree. i told my mom two years ago that i want to take a gap year and finish stuff and then go to uni but she talks like shes forgotten that ive ever said that, and because ive achieved nothing over the years i don't even have that as proof that i have important stuff i want to finish before uni. if i don't get accepted, maybe another reason to do it. but i just want to take a gap year. btw i plan to do it after i graduate, exams are after graduation here, i don't want to do it just yet because i don't want to ruin my classmates' focus or fun or mental health. so two more weeks till then.
the social isolation ive put myself under is driving me nuts to put it lightly. i only talk to my parents about the bare minimum, i have a maybe 5 sentence conversation with my dad on average, my mom talks about stuff im not interested in but when i try to talk about my interests or opinions she tells me its a waste of time, im draining her energy, etc.
my online and irl friendships are falling apart because im a recluse. my class had some celebration or fun gathering yesterday and i didn't go because i knew id ruin the mood for everyone. my only stable friend texted me that people were asking about me and i don't know whether its my all-consuming self-hatred but i find it hard to believe. they are all lying. maybe they just asked to confirm if i was truly gone for good. i constantly ruin my friendships because of the fucking borderline and the black and white thinking so its either literal parasitism from my side or i ghost them for a year. this only friend, i tried to cut her off too, a few times, she really deserves better than me. why does she even bother with me still.
i don't know why i can't start anything. i don't know why i can't do anything. why can't i just sit down and fucking study? or draw? or write? or do something productive with my life? why am i an incompetent fucking parasite? why can't i just be normal? why can't i just be a normal girl with normal interests and a normal social life? why do i have to be a retarded schizoid thats also repulsive to look at?
im afraid that i will truly end up becoming nothing and that i will leech off my parents until they die. maybe i should just get some bullshit job and move away and save money without the university part. i could do well in a small shitty apartment, as long as i have running water and electricity.
i feel like ive wasted all the time that i had. i have nothing to show for it. now i have grown up, welcome to the real world, find a job and rot away. if i ctb, my parents will grieve then move on, my friends will all forget and life will go on like nothing happened. everyone that i know right now, i hope they will celebrate. maybe they will. i only feel bad about my two budgies, i want them to go to a loving owner once im not here. ive had my older budgie for almost 10 years now, if he dies i know id do it regardless. can't bear the thought of losing him.
theres still some hope in me, despite everything, that i will magically pull myself together and everything will be fine but my emotional instability makes me feel like i die 3 times a day. i don't even recognise the morning me by the evening. fuck.
if i wasn't here, posting this, in this state of mind, id be studying with great fun, researching the thing i dubbed as my lifes purpose, drawing, writing, creating, LIVING, but i feel like ive fucking died and i have no drive or purpose and idk. i just want to stop feeling bad. this Bad feeling, like its Bad, everything is Bad, im frustrated and my body also feels bad.
i feel so fucking pathetic because all this shit is in my head and im fighting fucking nothing really, theres atrocities going on in the world and i can't get out of my head to just do something so simple like preparing for an exam. its pathetic really.
someone tell me whats my fukin problem. i have no fear and cruel words can't get to me, threatening me with a bad future or being homeless if i don't do anything because if that really happens i wil naturally ctb.
basically reached a point where i think the only way out is ctb. i already have a plan, a goodbye letter and a 'will', just need to climb that tree and have the courage to do it. im stuck in my head and i have no one to talk to so i need an outsiders perspective if theres even anything salvageable about my life.
sorry if i format things weirdly or talk weird, it feels like im not even the one typing any of this. i speak English quite well but it has been deteriorating rapidly for some reason and i transliterate thoughts from my native language into English hence the phrasing might be atrocious sometimes.
tldr of my past; alone for most of my life, starting from kindergarten, i found it hard to socialize, few friends and i was always the second option, bullying, especially after i switched schools, teachers didn't do shit, when the bullying stopped i was just ostrachized and was the weird girl no one wanted to be near, graduated middle school. (also chronically online since i was 6 and was heavily cyberbullied by a girl for some reason, also exposed to gore very early in my life, dunno, porn at 11, the works.). i chose like a 5 year path so i had a '0th' year that was really nothing, agony; 1st yr, started well then meh; 2nd year, like a decades' worth ot stuff happened here, my best year; 3rd year, sudden nothingness, can't remember a fucking thing, its like i died and i have been dragging my corpse to this very moment. im in my 4th year now yea about to graduate. never really had any problems with studying, even with little studying i could always get an A, when i didn't study id just use ingenius methods for cheating and that always made me feel like shit and guilty. im really creative and think outside the box constantly, id say im innovative, my friend considers me really funny, also said that im the only person she couldn't get a grasp on, everyone else she could fit into an archetype, but not me.
had an """attempt""" that i wouldn't even call an attempt because its so pathetic 4 years ago, went to psychatrist, weekly sessions did nothing, then group therapy, lied my way out of it, the hospital ghosted me even though i was supposed to receive some test result, well whatever.
first ideation was when i was 8 and i vividly remember when my class was preparing for some national day event and i stood there idly bc i had nothing to do and i imagined putting my best clothes on, sitting in the bathtub, slitting my wrists and replaying the reactions of my parents when they would find my body in the morning over and over again. when i was 10 i threatened to hang myself with a peonza's / spinning toy's rope in the schoolyard and my classmates, even my bullies gathered there. self harm at 11, the longest time ive been clean was a year and that was before relapsing at 12 again. ednos since 13, which never lead anywhere, constantly relapsing and then 'recovering' by ignoring how much i hate myself, still to this day. at 13 i thought i wouldn't make it till my 15th birthday, at 15, till my 18th, now im turning 20 soon. so... have had ideation All my life. always had a breaking point where i was like 'fuck it tonights the night' but never really got as far as now, i have a plan, a letter, just need the courage, thats the only thing stopping me.
possibly undiagnosed borderline? although im not sure with the clusterfuck of shit in my head. depression runs in my family, grandma was suicidal, probably inherited that shit. paranoia, delusions, dissociation, compulsions, obsessive, self-destructive, black and white thinking anf constant splitting, you know the rest. a beautiful concoction of symptoms. i refuse to get diagnosed for some reason and i dont want to go to a professional either because im stubborn and think i know better than them and because i don't want this shit put under my name on all my documents. triple shooting myself in the foot with every act of self sabotage.
i literally don't have a stable foundation of self. i can't plan for longer than a week, my identity rearranges itself every two weeks now, i feel like a foreigner in my life. therefore i have no sense of self and i only have what im vaguely interested in or like at that very moment. i have no plans for the future because of it, the only plan i have feels impossible to execute now because i wasted all my fucking years on nothing. i wanted to do something with art and writing but i fucking suck at it even now and don't have the time to relearn it all over again. i have nothing to show for my wasted years, i did nothing creative or tangible, theres nothing.
it feels like i have multiple personalities that just float in the aether and that im schizophrenic but i know im not. like my emotional instability creates such huge valleys that i feel like each mood swing is a distinct personality at this point.
i can't bring myself to do anything(????!?!?;!&!;'!). i spend my time rotting away and smoking. i fucking hate smoking and at this point its a compulsion, not a physical addiction. my brain is fucked. i have no romantic desires, i am not attracted to anyone, i don't have a sexuality or drive and im ashamed of the fantasies i jerk to compulsively even if it hurts to do and afterwards i want to rip my face off every time.
im graduating soon and my exams are also in 2 weeks. i haven't been in school since march 6 under the guise of staying at home to study because the education system here is retarded and its a waste of time and i squandered all my time at home too. i don't know whether to do it before my finals, or try to make something out of it and then if i flunk them, after that. i don't want to go to university, i chose psychology as my major and i ticked in random shit as backup because my mom is vehement about me going to university but thats not what i want to do, what im interested in is not taught in university or anywhere else. doesn't also help that ive learnt to despise higher institutions and their indoctrination and the debt slavery that comes with obtaining an useless degree. i told my mom two years ago that i want to take a gap year and finish stuff and then go to uni but she talks like shes forgotten that ive ever said that, and because ive achieved nothing over the years i don't even have that as proof that i have important stuff i want to finish before uni. if i don't get accepted, maybe another reason to do it. but i just want to take a gap year. btw i plan to do it after i graduate, exams are after graduation here, i don't want to do it just yet because i don't want to ruin my classmates' focus or fun or mental health. so two more weeks till then.
the social isolation ive put myself under is driving me nuts to put it lightly. i only talk to my parents about the bare minimum, i have a maybe 5 sentence conversation with my dad on average, my mom talks about stuff im not interested in but when i try to talk about my interests or opinions she tells me its a waste of time, im draining her energy, etc.
my online and irl friendships are falling apart because im a recluse. my class had some celebration or fun gathering yesterday and i didn't go because i knew id ruin the mood for everyone. my only stable friend texted me that people were asking about me and i don't know whether its my all-consuming self-hatred but i find it hard to believe. they are all lying. maybe they just asked to confirm if i was truly gone for good. i constantly ruin my friendships because of the fucking borderline and the black and white thinking so its either literal parasitism from my side or i ghost them for a year. this only friend, i tried to cut her off too, a few times, she really deserves better than me. why does she even bother with me still.
i don't know why i can't start anything. i don't know why i can't do anything. why can't i just sit down and fucking study? or draw? or write? or do something productive with my life? why am i an incompetent fucking parasite? why can't i just be normal? why can't i just be a normal girl with normal interests and a normal social life? why do i have to be a retarded schizoid thats also repulsive to look at?
im afraid that i will truly end up becoming nothing and that i will leech off my parents until they die. maybe i should just get some bullshit job and move away and save money without the university part. i could do well in a small shitty apartment, as long as i have running water and electricity.
i feel like ive wasted all the time that i had. i have nothing to show for it. now i have grown up, welcome to the real world, find a job and rot away. if i ctb, my parents will grieve then move on, my friends will all forget and life will go on like nothing happened. everyone that i know right now, i hope they will celebrate. maybe they will. i only feel bad about my two budgies, i want them to go to a loving owner once im not here. ive had my older budgie for almost 10 years now, if he dies i know id do it regardless. can't bear the thought of losing him.
theres still some hope in me, despite everything, that i will magically pull myself together and everything will be fine but my emotional instability makes me feel like i die 3 times a day. i don't even recognise the morning me by the evening. fuck.
if i wasn't here, posting this, in this state of mind, id be studying with great fun, researching the thing i dubbed as my lifes purpose, drawing, writing, creating, LIVING, but i feel like ive fucking died and i have no drive or purpose and idk. i just want to stop feeling bad. this Bad feeling, like its Bad, everything is Bad, im frustrated and my body also feels bad.
i feel so fucking pathetic because all this shit is in my head and im fighting fucking nothing really, theres atrocities going on in the world and i can't get out of my head to just do something so simple like preparing for an exam. its pathetic really.
someone tell me whats my fukin problem. i have no fear and cruel words can't get to me, threatening me with a bad future or being homeless if i don't do anything because if that really happens i wil naturally ctb.
