shrusho
Member
- Nov 28, 2021
- 28
these past few years, I have made great strides in my recovery. I used to be doing very poorly. I had no real motivation to do anything. I failed all my classes. I practised a lot of sh. I attempted overdosing. I had planned to jump into my local waterfall to kill myself at age 16 (which obviously didn't follow through), but either way I didn't see a future for myself even from a young age. Now I'm doing a lot better, I've moved out and I'm living with the love of my life, who takes care of me, and makes my life very easy. however, even with all that I still find myself getting trapped in these repetitive cycles where if the smallest thing happens, I immediately resort to thinking suicide is the only option. Things like having to call in sick or having to clean my apartment or having to visit family. I don't know why I do this. I think my head tries to compare all the benefits and negatives to suicide and when you really think about it, there are no negatives and there's quite a lot of benefits. Of course I want to see how my life will end up, but I feel like some days are just really difficult and its hard to push through to see the better days. And honestly, it feels like I'm living for other people at this point if I didn't have my boyfriend, I would've killed myself. if he broke up with me tomorrow I'd kill myself tomorrow. Sometimes it feels like I don't try very hard to do things that I should be doing like cleaning and I'm not sure if that's just because I have no motivation or if I'm lazy or if I'm purposely trying to sabotage the relationship. I wish I could be more go with the flow and just let things happen. I think I have a lot of anxiety. I have mood pills that probably help with anxiety, but I'm worried that they make my DPDR worse, so I stopped taking them like six months ago, and I feel better I think, but I'm not sure if that's just because my living conditions have improved. I wanna quit my job and create on the online sphere. I think that will make me less anxious, but I'm just having a lot of trouble getting motivated. I don't know. I need to fucking break out of this stupid cycle that I put myself in and actually do something because it's trying to piss me off lol. Thanks for reading my spew 
