wantingdignity
Little lost
- Apr 5, 2025
- 130
I'm swinging back and forth from wanting to be super safe and never to be touched, to wanting to either hurt myself or have sex with a stranger.
The back and forth is a wild experience.
I've bitched about my ex a lot on here. I know he's an asshole who doesn't understand consent. I know this and I deeply feel this. But I still miss being with him. I know it's just a mind fuck.
I'm really lonely. I have so many genuine friendships and relationships, but I don't want to talk to them about this most of the time. Other times I want to yell at them about what he did to me. I want to show them the note I wrote and my self harm scars. I want them to fucking mourn with me. I've witnessed so much death this year.
My body feels like a stranger sometimes. I'm heavy now when I've never been heavy before. I lost a lot of hair.
Sex is cheap to me now. It has to be. It makes my ex's violation more bearable. It turns out that I really like sex when it's not with him. It's wonderful and scary. I either want to fuck everyone or for no one to dare to even look at me.
Someone paid me for sex. I have been so broke lately that I didn't even register any warning signs that should come with going to a strangers house across town. I normally don't trust men, but I'm a little messed up so I took the money and really enjoyed myself. I feel really weird about it now.
Maybe all of this and my constant day dreaming of death is all self harm. I'm just so tired of being broke. Life would be really enjoyable if I could just enjoy it without constantly worrying if rent will get paid. I miss feeling safe when I was with my partner. That feeling was a lie, but it felt really nice when I had it. I miss someone always knowing where I was and asking about my day. Even though he definitely had moments of abuse, that was really nice to have sometimes.
I'm a bit passively suicidal today. It seems like it would be as easy as any other chore.
The back and forth is a wild experience.
I've bitched about my ex a lot on here. I know he's an asshole who doesn't understand consent. I know this and I deeply feel this. But I still miss being with him. I know it's just a mind fuck.
I'm really lonely. I have so many genuine friendships and relationships, but I don't want to talk to them about this most of the time. Other times I want to yell at them about what he did to me. I want to show them the note I wrote and my self harm scars. I want them to fucking mourn with me. I've witnessed so much death this year.
My body feels like a stranger sometimes. I'm heavy now when I've never been heavy before. I lost a lot of hair.
Sex is cheap to me now. It has to be. It makes my ex's violation more bearable. It turns out that I really like sex when it's not with him. It's wonderful and scary. I either want to fuck everyone or for no one to dare to even look at me.
Someone paid me for sex. I have been so broke lately that I didn't even register any warning signs that should come with going to a strangers house across town. I normally don't trust men, but I'm a little messed up so I took the money and really enjoyed myself. I feel really weird about it now.
Maybe all of this and my constant day dreaming of death is all self harm. I'm just so tired of being broke. Life would be really enjoyable if I could just enjoy it without constantly worrying if rent will get paid. I miss feeling safe when I was with my partner. That feeling was a lie, but it felt really nice when I had it. I miss someone always knowing where I was and asking about my day. Even though he definitely had moments of abuse, that was really nice to have sometimes.
I'm a bit passively suicidal today. It seems like it would be as easy as any other chore.
