
kissmegoodbye
Member
- Jun 15, 2024
- 20
this is a venting post but because of the topic i marked it NSFW.
a while ago i made a post on here about me and my boyfriend and his porn addiction. he is currently in military training so we have limited time to talk for some background. the week before he left he told me he would stop watching and looking at that kind of stuff and i truly did think itd get better and maybe this was it.. for 2 months now(after not being able to talk at all for about 3) he was able to buy a phone to contact me since it isnt really allowed but he wanted to talk to me. I find out today when he accidentally sends me porn he meant to send to his friend (who is also an addict i guess) that for a couple weeks hes gone back to watching it. for some reason i don't really feel sad, i dont feel angry, i dont feel upset, i just dont know how i feel..i dint know either if i feel all of those feelings or none of them i just cant tell.. he apologized a lot and told me how sorry he is and that he'll stop but i just dont know if i can trust him again. i am staying with him because honestly i dont care how much he hurts me i just want him to stay with me..i dont have anyone else.. i hadn't cut myself in about 9 months and relapsed as soon as he had to go. ijust dont know what to do anymore to make it stop. i dont know what im doing wrong, what i have to do, i try to ask him and he just tells me "not to blame myself" but why else would he still be going back to porn even when he has limited time with the internet at all and apparently just uses that time to look at it instead of talking to me? ive always felt insecure and ugly and i truly dont feel like ill ever really feel it and trust his words when he tells me im pretty or whatever. i just want to stop caring about it so bad.. why do i even care if he watches porn i feel like an idiot its not like its women he's actually interacting with irl and such and i know its probably just because im insecure. i have no other friends i domt talk to anyone except him, i really am nothing without him. i had a close friend i had since 7th grade, but also just recently we ended our friendship for reasons i just dontwant to think about now but she had also broken my trust. it feels like every single time i begin to trust someone and think everything is okay, is when i find out it isnt and it leaves me feeling so stupid... he wants me to trust him again but i just dont want to i dont want it to hurt anymore. i forgive him and i will stay with him but i guess at least now i know to never really trust him on this ever again. i have to go out with my family on friday and now i have to bother with hiding my arms for months. my scars were starting to heal and finally go away just a little.. i feel so so incredibly stupid i would cut more if he didnt tell me not to do it again
a while ago i made a post on here about me and my boyfriend and his porn addiction. he is currently in military training so we have limited time to talk for some background. the week before he left he told me he would stop watching and looking at that kind of stuff and i truly did think itd get better and maybe this was it.. for 2 months now(after not being able to talk at all for about 3) he was able to buy a phone to contact me since it isnt really allowed but he wanted to talk to me. I find out today when he accidentally sends me porn he meant to send to his friend (who is also an addict i guess) that for a couple weeks hes gone back to watching it. for some reason i don't really feel sad, i dont feel angry, i dont feel upset, i just dont know how i feel..i dint know either if i feel all of those feelings or none of them i just cant tell.. he apologized a lot and told me how sorry he is and that he'll stop but i just dont know if i can trust him again. i am staying with him because honestly i dont care how much he hurts me i just want him to stay with me..i dont have anyone else.. i hadn't cut myself in about 9 months and relapsed as soon as he had to go. ijust dont know what to do anymore to make it stop. i dont know what im doing wrong, what i have to do, i try to ask him and he just tells me "not to blame myself" but why else would he still be going back to porn even when he has limited time with the internet at all and apparently just uses that time to look at it instead of talking to me? ive always felt insecure and ugly and i truly dont feel like ill ever really feel it and trust his words when he tells me im pretty or whatever. i just want to stop caring about it so bad.. why do i even care if he watches porn i feel like an idiot its not like its women he's actually interacting with irl and such and i know its probably just because im insecure. i have no other friends i domt talk to anyone except him, i really am nothing without him. i had a close friend i had since 7th grade, but also just recently we ended our friendship for reasons i just dontwant to think about now but she had also broken my trust. it feels like every single time i begin to trust someone and think everything is okay, is when i find out it isnt and it leaves me feeling so stupid... he wants me to trust him again but i just dont want to i dont want it to hurt anymore. i forgive him and i will stay with him but i guess at least now i know to never really trust him on this ever again. i have to go out with my family on friday and now i have to bother with hiding my arms for months. my scars were starting to heal and finally go away just a little.. i feel so so incredibly stupid i would cut more if he didnt tell me not to do it again