NSFW relapsed and trust broken again.

[kissmegoodbye]

this is a venting post but because of the topic i marked it NSFW.
a while ago i made a post on here about me and my boyfriend and his porn addiction. he is currently in military training so we have limited time to talk for some background. the week before he left he told me he would stop watching and looking at that kind of stuff and i truly did think itd get better and maybe this was it.. for 2 months now(after not being able to talk at all for about 3) he was able to buy a phone to contact me since it isnt really allowed but he wanted to talk to me. I find out today when he accidentally sends me porn he meant to send to his friend (who is also an addict i guess) that for a couple weeks hes gone back to watching it. for some reason i don't really feel sad, i dont feel angry, i dont feel upset, i just dont know how i feel..i dint know either if i feel all of those feelings or none of them i just cant tell.. he apologized a lot and told me how sorry he is and that he'll stop but i just dont know if i can trust him again. i am staying with him because honestly i dont care how much he hurts me i just want him to stay with me..i dont have anyone else.. i hadn't cut myself in about 9 months and relapsed as soon as he had to go. ijust dont know what to do anymore to make it stop. i dont know what im doing wrong, what i have to do, i try to ask him and he just tells me "not to blame myself" but why else would he still be going back to porn even when he has limited time with the internet at all and apparently just uses that time to look at it instead of talking to me? ive always felt insecure and ugly and i truly dont feel like ill ever really feel it and trust his words when he tells me im pretty or whatever. i just want to stop caring about it so bad.. why do i even care if he watches porn i feel like an idiot its not like its women he's actually interacting with irl and such and i know its probably just because im insecure. i have no other friends i domt talk to anyone except him, i really am nothing without him. i had a close friend i had since 7th grade, but also just recently we ended our friendship for reasons i just dontwant to think about now but she had also broken my trust. it feels like every single time i begin to trust someone and think everything is okay, is when i find out it isnt and it leaves me feeling so stupid... he wants me to trust him again but i just dont want to i dont want it to hurt anymore. i forgive him and i will stay with him but i guess at least now i know to never really trust him on this ever again. i have to go out with my family on friday and now i have to bother with hiding my arms for months. my scars were starting to heal and finally go away just a little.. i feel so so incredibly stupid i would cut more if he didnt tell me not to do it again

 

[sanctionedusage]

aint sorry he did it, hes sorry he got caught.

you can obviously see it for it is & that you can't put your full trust in him or anyone right now. unfortunately self awareness barely makes a difference in changing our circumstances and what we think we deserve in a friend, or in a partner. much love

 

[divinemistress36]

A lot of men watch porn. Its not healthy when they are addicted to it though. Are you sure this a healthy relationship to stay in?

 

[k1m]

Jhc there's so much mixed up here.
1. Porn is absolutely a form of cheating if you've expressed you're not OK with it. It's literally prostitution that's been normalized by the internet. Him not giving it up knowing it hurts you is bad.
2. Sending porn to other people is fucking insane.
3. I know it's hard to leave but you don't need to put yourself through this. You don't need to be with someone who hurts you.

 

[Dejected 55]

I don't substitute porn for reality. I don't have access to reality so I begrudgingly seek porn sometimes. But I also know I have not ruined myself, it is not an addiction. There is a woman I love... I can't have her, but I love her. I have pictures of her on my computer, from Facebook. They are not at all suggestive pictures. They are not sexual at all. Just smiling pictures of a woman I love. When I am alone, and I am feeling a need for touch... I look at her pictures, and I get aroused. More aroused than any porn has ever done. And... if I choose to please myself while thinking of her... I do not last long. I can't last long, for her.

My point here is... it is possible to seek porn in absence of other things... and not have it ruin you. But I think the real problem here is, the OP has expressed this to her boyfriend, that she is not comfortable with him using it so much (or at all really)... and that is 100% fair of her... IF I ever had a girlfriend, I would have no need or thought or temptation for porn. I can promise that... but not all men are wired that way. Sometimes there may have to be compromises as in other parts of life.

BUT... she asked him... and he promised her to stop. That's the problem. He promised, but then he didn't... and she caught him... not because she tried to trap him or catch him... she trusted his word... and he accidentally outed himself. This doesn't make him evil or even bad necessarily... but it is a broken trust. And broken trust is hard to overcome. I think it has to be a serious conversation between her and him. She has to value the importance, not of the porn itself, but of the broken trust. IF she can't feel she can trust him, I think that's kind of it... and it's fair under the circumstances. He made a promise he didn't have to make. He could have argued for some porn over no porn, agreed to reduce not eliminate and see what she said... but he promised to stop... then he didn't... and he didn't confess to her... he slipped and gave himself away. That makes trust tough, because... being honest... one broken trust makes other trusts easier to break... especially if you are allowed to break that trust by your partner.

 

[k1m]

I don't substitute porn for reality. I don't have access to reality so I begrudgingly seek porn sometimes. But I also know I have not ruined myself, it is not an addiction. There is a woman I love... I can't have her, but I love her. I have pictures of her on my computer, from Facebook. They are not at all suggestive pictures. They are not sexual at all. Just smiling pictures of a woman I love. When I am alone, and I am feeling a need for touch... I look at her pictures, and I get aroused. More aroused than any porn has ever done. And... if I choose to please myself while thinking of her... I do not last long. I can't last long, for her.

This is worse than porn, this is stalking. Get help.

 

[kissmegoodbye]

A lot of men watch porn. Its not healthy when they are addicted to it though. Are you sure this a healthy relationship to stay in?

everything else is so worth it.. he's always kind to me and he always makes me really happy and no one else understands me like he does. we talked about setting up blocks on his phone that i can control but it just makes me feel guilty..

Jhc there's so much mixed up here.
1. Porn is absolutely a form of cheating if you've expressed you're not OK with it. It's literally prostitution that's been normalized by the internet. Him not giving it up knowing it hurts you is bad.
2. Sending porn to other people is fucking insane.
3. I know it's hard to leave but you don't need to put yourself through this. You don't need to be with someone who hurts you.

I know he is trying to stop and hes had this addiction for years since he was young.. all of his friends are like this too and I guess they just share around this stuff...? one of his friends I followed for a while after talking posts weird suggestive sexually violent things and also posts about hating women its just all so confusing and I dont understand why he is still friends with these people and it makes me worry what he thinks about me sometimes. idont know how to tell him it feels like cheating because he's said before that it isnt,,

 

[RosebyAnyName]

The important part is that you expressed your boundary that you didn't want him to watch porn, and he broke that boundary. I'm one of the most anti-porn people out there, but to keep things objective: the fact that he broke your boundaries is the important part, not the nature of what you disagreed with (that he watched porn when you told him you didn't want him to). You deserve someone who respects your boundaries, and you are not wrong for having boundaries. I know it can be hard when you still really love someone in all other avenues but they break your trust in one area, especially when it feels like a lot of society seems to side with them and not you (or it's just a controversial topic in general). Know that your feelings of rejection, hurt, and even guilt are valid, especially because this particular situation I've discovered is becoming increasingly common and you are not alone in these feelings. Just remember that you always have the choice to stay with him or not, and only you can decide that. Whether you stay with him for now or not, don't let anyone else decide for you and definitely don't just stay or leave just because you feel "pressured" to (by society, by him, by your own desire to keep the peace, whatever it may be).

 

[kissmegoodbye]

this is a venting post but because of the topic i marked it NSFW.
a while ago i made a post on here about me and my boyfriend and his porn addiction. he is currently in military training so we have limited time to talk for some background. the week before he left he told me he would stop watching and looking at that kind of stuff and i truly did think itd get better and maybe this was it.. for 2 months now(after not being able to talk at all for about 3) he was able to buy a phone to contact me since it isnt really allowed but he wanted to talk to me. I find out today when he accidentally sends me porn he meant to send to his friend (who is also an addict i guess) that for a couple weeks hes gone back to watching it. for some reason i don't really feel sad, i dont feel angry, i dont feel upset, i just dont know how i feel..i dint know either if i feel all of those feelings or none of them i just cant tell.. he apologized a lot and told me how sorry he is and that he'll stop but i just dont know if i can trust him again. i am staying with him because honestly i dont care how much he hurts me i just want him to stay with me..i dont have anyone else.. i hadn't cut myself in about 9 months and relapsed as soon as he had to go. ijust dont know what to do anymore to make it stop. i dont know what im doing wrong, what i have to do, i try to ask him and he just tells me "not to blame myself" but why else would he still be going back to porn even when he has limited time with the internet at all and apparently just uses that time to look at it instead of talking to me? ive always felt insecure and ugly and i truly dont feel like ill ever really feel it and trust his words when he tells me im pretty or whatever. i just want to stop caring about it so bad.. why do i even care if he watches porn i feel like an idiot its not like its women he's actually interacting with irl and such and i know its probably just because im insecure. i have no other friends i domt talk to anyone except him, i really am nothing without him. i had a close friend i had since 7th grade, but also just recently we ended our friendship for reasons i just dontwant to think about now but she had also broken my trust. it feels like every single time i begin to trust someone and think everything is okay, is when i find out it isnt and it leaves me feeling so stupid... he wants me to trust him again but i just dont want to i dont want it to hurt anymore. i forgive him and i will stay with him but i guess at least now i know to never really trust him on this ever again. i have to go out with my family on friday and now i have to bother with hiding my arms for months. my scars were starting to heal and finally go away just a little.. i feel so so incredibly stupid i would cut more if he didnt tell me not to do it again

ifeel like im not explaining well,, its hard to organize all my thoughts and i forget some things in the jumble.. he wants to stop and i know he truly feels sorry, he feels guilty and ashamed for it and he tells me he has urges to watch that stuff out of the blue and its hard to stop himself and i know thats what addiction is like,, he told me that i shouldn't forgive him either..after i told him i cut myself he wanted me to show him and he told me later he doesnt think he can ever look at it again after seeing what i did or whatever but im just still scared and i just feel the need to do something with myself to help make it stop.. maybe if i was prettier or gained more weight but he doesnt like makeup and honestly im already a little underweight and more weight just feels too scary...

 

[k1m]

I know he is trying to stop and hes had this addiction for years since he was young.. all of his friends are like this too and I guess they just share around this stuff...? one of his friends I followed for a while after talking posts weird suggestive sexually violent things and also posts about hating women its just all so confusing and I dont understand why he is still friends with these people and it makes me worry what he thinks about me sometimes. idont know how to tell him it feels like cheating because he's said before that it isnt,,

Also remember if you marry him his friends are people you will have to be around all the time. They sound pretty extreme.

 

[kissmegoodbye]

Also remember if you marry him his friends are people you will have to be around all the time. They sound pretty extreme.

we are planning on getting married in about 10 months. i know his closest and best friend isnt like the other ones and isnt extreme or anything so he still has him and hopefully some others.. most of them live far away except his best friend so ill be fine most likely. thank you for your help and thank you to everyone else aswell.