Story Reflecting on my childhood neglect

[iknowwhatyouredoing]

One of my first memories was a panic attack relating to realizing my own mortality (I think I was seven). I remember my behavior totally shifting after that point to becoming really reclusive and quiet, when I was a pretty outgoing and playful child preceding that and there was absolutely no conversation or obvious concern from my parents. At some point I drew around 10 drawings of myself violently dying and presented to my mom and told her I want to die. To her defense she DID put me in therapy (after telling me I was being dramatic of course), but allowed me to quit therapy after only a few sessions because I told them "I'm better"???? No push back at all, they were happy to sweep it under the rug. So of course there was no obvious concern for the problematic behavior that followed, such as violent drawings and compulsive masturbation as young as 9, sometimes even in front of family members. Nor did they step in for the emotional and physical (and possibly sexual but I'm not sure yet) abuse that my older brother subjected me to. Even when we moved I told my dad that I'm miserable in our new town and he told me I would be miserable anywhere. I was 12. They didn't care that I was a dirty depressed teenager, and that I would leave bloody razors out so someone would find them and maybe say something but they would just disappear. I'm 27 now and I'm still absolutely fucked, I destroy every romantic relationship I touch and sex disgusts me 80% of the time. I'm often completely dissociated, I can barely connect to other people and I do the bare minimum to take care of myself, after everything I still feel like that suicidal kid I was twenty years ago. I've done years of therapy, medications, drugs, became a Buddhist, self help books, and they all help temporarily but never make meaningful change.

 

[Salkak]

One of my first memories was a panic attack relating to realizing my own mortality (I think I was seven). I remember my behavior totally shifting after that point to becoming really reclusive and quiet, when I was a pretty outgoing and playful child preceding that and there was absolutely no conversation or obvious concern from my parents. At some point I drew around 10 drawings of myself violently dying and presented to my mom and told her I want to die. To her defense she DID put me in therapy (after telling me I was being dramatic of course), but allowed me to quit therapy after only a few sessions because I told them "I'm better"???? No push back at all, they were happy to sweep it under the rug. So of course there was no obvious concern for the problematic behavior that followed, such as violent drawings and compulsive masturbation as young as 9, sometimes even in front of family members. Nor did they step in for the emotional and physical (and possibly sexual but I'm not sure yet) abuse that my older brother subjected me to. Even when we moved I told my dad that I'm miserable in our new town and he told me I would be miserable anywhere. I was 12. They didn't care that I was a dirty depressed teenager, and that I would leave bloody razors out so someone would find them and maybe say something but they would just disappear. I'm 27 now and I'm still absolutely fucked, I destroy every romantic relationship I touch and sex disgusts me 80% of the time. I'm often completely dissociated, I can barely connect to other people and I do the bare minimum to take care of myself, after everything I still feel like that suicidal kid I was twenty years ago. I've done years of therapy, medications, drugs, became a Buddhist, self help books, and they all help temporarily but never make meaningful change.

I understand what you mean. Nothing truly helps me

I never thought I was neglected but now when I lookback on my childhood, I see the signs. I would never bathe and my parents would never say anything. It got to the point where I got lice in my head. Even then I had to take care of myself. I remember feeling so alone in childhood.
I have tried therapy and I am on medications but still the thoughts of suicide lingers constantly