alivefood
autistic
- Aug 15, 2024
- 2
i've struggled with anorexia throughout different times of my life but specifically when having a plan to live, i mean when i was studying and when i had a job and hadn't given on up on life yet. i don't have an exact date or method set but every day it gets clearer to me that i have no other choice but to die, that conclusion has brought me some peace of mind over the last months as it has made me less stressed about my appearance and other trivial things and also made me realise that i don't need to die torturing myself, i've done that my whole life, so i think i deserve to go comfortably and with my belly full.
that being said, i take my meds and i go to the psychiatrist regularly and, even though i'm almost certain that there's no other way, something in me still hangs onto some hope that something will make me change my mind even if by a miracle. however i am terrified that by recovering, all this peacefulness i've developed will go away and i will get back to living a miserable life.
i can only feel good about myself and my life if i think of it as about to end but actually ending it is quite hard. i guess recovery is still an option at this point but that's also very hard. i realise now that being suicidal is also somewhat of a coping mechanism, one i've relied on for far too long and i feel like an idiot for not going though with it already considering how long it's been on my mind, how many awful things i could have not witnessed.
anyways i might come back to this later if i reach any conslusions but i just wanted to get it off my chest
that being said, i take my meds and i go to the psychiatrist regularly and, even though i'm almost certain that there's no other way, something in me still hangs onto some hope that something will make me change my mind even if by a miracle. however i am terrified that by recovering, all this peacefulness i've developed will go away and i will get back to living a miserable life.
i can only feel good about myself and my life if i think of it as about to end but actually ending it is quite hard. i guess recovery is still an option at this point but that's also very hard. i realise now that being suicidal is also somewhat of a coping mechanism, one i've relied on for far too long and i feel like an idiot for not going though with it already considering how long it's been on my mind, how many awful things i could have not witnessed.
anyways i might come back to this later if i reach any conslusions but i just wanted to get it off my chest
