🌻Recovery Journal — Giving Life One Last Chance & Giving It All I Got

[red_cardinal]

This thread will serve as a journal, illustrating my joys and struggle as I give recovery one last chance. This time, I'll give the best of my best, and won't let myself discouraged so easily. I've had countless recovery attempts, some more serious than others, but this time, I intend to be truly committed and, hopefully, I won't need to commit (hehe) after all.

While I doubt there's going to be anyone interested in my journey in particular, here are some quick facts about myself and my situation:

- 31 NB (AFAB)
- neurodivergent
- vegan
- C-PTSD
- recovering alcoholic
- horror movie aficionado
- seal & cat enthusiast

Entry #1

Today feels promising, and not even the bleak weather can affect my mood. Whether it's renewed hope or trazodone kicking in that keeps me going, I feel quite good. My day was quite fast-paced so far, and I'm trying to keep it balanced. I cooked burritos for the first time, it was a fun process, and I'm satisfied with the result. They were quite delicious.

Suicidality level: 3/10
A word describing the day: productive
One thing I did for myself: I got myself pineapple sorbet to savor in the evening

 

[CC123]

pineapple sorbet

Pineapple sorbet -- good

 

[Mrs. T-800]

Also with CPTSD here – and vegetarian, but not vegan. That said, I have to ask, what's the food? It looks delicious. Do you have a recipe you can share?

Horror movies, woah. Are you into just scary movies? That new one »Backrooms« looks good. What do you think?

Also, I like your username. Those little cardinals are such sweet and happy, cute creatures. They uplift the day when you hear them.

 

[red_cardinal]

Also with CPTSD here – and vegetarian, but not vegan. That said, I have to ask, what's the food? It looks delicious. Do you have a recipe you can share?

Horror movies, woah. Are you into just scary movies? That new one »Backrooms« looks good. What do you think?

Also, I like your username. Those little cardinals are such sweet and happy, cute creatures. They uplift the day when you hear them.

Hello! Nice to meet you, but I'm sorry you're also struggling with C-PTSD. It's terrible, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You're brave and I'm happy you're still here

I cooked tofu tinga burritos. The one in the photo is unwrapped It's the first time I make this recipe, they turned out quite nice. I'm feeling slightly better on trazodone, and I'm glad to be able to enjoy cooking again (I also had to bedrest for 3 weeks due to my spine, but now I have green light to be active from the doctor). Anyway, here's the recipe:

Vegan Tofu Tinga Tacos Recipe - Delish Knowledge

Tofu Tinga Tacos! If you love spicy food, you've gotta try these vegan tofu tinga tacos. They are super easy to make and ready in less than 30 minutes. They are the perfect quick lunch or dinner option.

www.delishknowledge.com

I haven't seen Backrooms yet, but I heard it's a new one, and it's on my 'to watch' list. I enjoy both scary, lightheared, silly movies and those with depth, but I'm mostly fond of psychological horror, like Hereditary and Midsommar. I saw Weapons some months ago and I loved it. Do you like them?

Thank you Yes, they're sweet, precious birds.

 

[Mrs. T-800]

Hello! Nice to meet you, but I'm sorry you're also struggling with C-PTSD. It's terrible, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. You're brave and I'm happy you're still here

I cooked tofu tinga burritos. The one in the photo is unwrapped It's the first time I make this recipe, they turned out quite nice. I'm feeling slightly better on trazodone, and I'm glad to be able to enjoy cooking again (I also had to bedrest for 3 weeks due to my spine, but now I have green light to be active from the doctor). Anyway, here's the recipe:

Vegan Tofu Tinga Tacos Recipe - Delish Knowledge

Tofu Tinga Tacos! If you love spicy food, you've gotta try these vegan tofu tinga tacos. They are super easy to make and ready in less than 30 minutes. They are the perfect quick lunch or dinner option.

www.delishknowledge.com

I haven't seen Backrooms yet, but I heard it's a new one, and it's on my 'to watch' list. I enjoy both scary, lightheared, silly movies and those with depth, but I'm mostly fond of psychological horror, like Hereditary and Midsommar. I saw Weapons some months ago and I loved it. Do you like them?

Thank you Yes, they're sweet, precious birds.

Thank you. It's likewise. CPTSD is tough, but we've got this! And I'm happy you're giving life a shot! Each day is a choice to do so... even each minute...
And thank you for the recipe! It looks delicious – I wonder if I can swap those peppers with cayenne?! I'm growing two plants – also, ready in <30 minutes?! Absolute godsend of a recipe. Stuff like that (on top of trazodone I'm sure!) makes cooking fun. It's better when it's not a time-slog, difficult recipe and you can do it easily and enjoyably.
I hope your spine is better. Uff, those injuries are the worst, it affects your whole body.

I'm going to see Backrooms today actually. I never did see Weapons, though I did see the trailer. I saw a part of Hereditary but after the "sign" scene, ya know the one, I was like... oh gosh I just can't. I'm fainthearted.
You liked Midsommar? Ari Aster is really something, up and coming
I really liked The Wailing, I recommend, if you have a chance.

 

[red_cardinal]

Entry #2

Today was another nice, productive day, but I got too ambitious, and took on too many tasks. I feel productive, but I distributed my tasks for this week more evenly so I don't crash like I did so many times. Mood is nice too, despite feeling perpetually dazed and depersonalized, as it's bleak, rainy weather here, and I'm stil getting used to having trazodone in my system. My proudest accomplishment is that I replaced the toilet seat all by myself, as weird as that sounds. It's rewarding, and so was cooking sticky tofu as a side dish for the rice. Really delicious stuff! I also got to enjoy the tiramisu I made yesterday.

Suicidality level: 1/10
A word describing the day: rewarding
One thing I did for myself: I slowed down so I don't go into overdrive

View attachment IMG_2189.jpeg

 

[red_cardinal]

Thank you. It's likewise. CPTSD is tough, but we've got this! And I'm happy you're giving life a shot! Each day is a choice to do so... even each minute...
And thank you for the recipe! It looks delicious – I wonder if I can swap those peppers with cayenne?! I'm growing two plants – also, ready in <30 minutes?! Absolute godsend of a recipe. Stuff like that (on top of trazodone I'm sure!) makes cooking fun. It's better when it's not a time-slog, difficult recipe and you can do it easily and enjoyably.
I hope your spine is better. Uff, those injuries are the worst, it affects your whole body.

I'm going to see Backrooms today actually. I never did see Weapons, though I did see the trailer. I saw a part of Hereditary but after the "sign" scene, ya know the one, I was like... oh gosh I just can't. I'm fainthearted.
You liked Midsommar? Ari Aster is really something, up and coming
I really liked The Wailing, I recommend, if you have a chance.

Aww, thank you for the kind words and encouragenent! Indeed, it's important to live with intention and make the best of what you have. I realized this over the past 6 months, and it's like a breath of fresh air.

You're welcome :) Sure you can use cayenne, I used 2 chili peppers because I couldn't find jalapeño at the supermarket, and we don't have the Chipotle stuff in my country. It turned out delicious, my partner loved it and so did I. You're growing 2 cayenne pepper plants? That's so cool! I'm growing aromatic herbs with my partner, plus some flowers and succulents. We've got sage, mint (which I'm fond of the most), lavander, basil, oregano... It's a very relaxing thing, and rewarding

Yayy, enjoy watching Backrooms! I know what you mean about Hereditary -- it's deeply disturbing, and not for the faint of heart. It left a strong impression on me for a few days the first time I watched it, home alone at night The Wailing sounds like a movie I'd enjoy, so I'll add it to my looong, ever-growing list. Midsommar has become a comfort movie at this point, I've seen it so many times, and it's always a great experience. Next week I might do a challenge, watch a movie every day of the week.

Did you see The Coffee Table? It's a recent watch of mine, and I give it 8/10. It's a Spanish psychological horror/ thriller.

 

[red_cardinal]

Entry #3

I managed to slow down a little today, but I can feel myself going into overdrive, so I'll cut down on my tasks even more radically for the rest of the week. It was another productive day, my partner and I celebrated a special event, and I made a huge fresh salad for myself, with . It was delicious, and I'm still stuffed even though I had it 5 hours ago. Surprisingly, I haven't felt actively suicidal today, so let's hope things are looking up for me. Tomorrow I meet my EMDR therapist, and I hope she'll be a good match so we can tackle my C-PTSD. I'm also in the process of starting kinetotherapy for my decrepit back.

Suicidality level: 0/10
A word describing the day: fast-paced
One thing I did for myself: I made myself a hefty salad and I moved some of my tasks for another day

View attachment IMG_2209.jpeg

 

[red_cardinal]

Entry #4

Quite terrible day, and if I had a choice, I would have chosen to skip it altogether. I went from feeling overwhelmed due to pre-existing exhaustion, to irritable and frustrated, to sad, and finally to exhausted again. I got to meet my new EMDR therapist, and I have a good feeling about the therapeutic process. I tried a new recipe, and it turned out heavenly. These are the two good things that happened today. Oh, and getting to send back the bath stool I had ordered because it was too wide. It's rare for these processes to go so smoothly here 🫩 I took my mind off negative stuff by playing Stardew Valley and having the pineapple sorbet I got for myself a few days ago. 2/10 would not relive.

Suicidality level: 7/10
A word describing the day: depressing
One thing I did for myself: I made myself a fresh salad again because the veggies I got are just amazing and locally grown

View attachment 202567

 

[red_cardinal]

Entry #5

Another abyssmal day is almost gone. I decided to not post here daily, as things are very busy in my life, and having another task is only adding to the pressure. Despite the mood being dismal, I did enjoy a few nice moments, and I've accomplished A LOT today, chores, things around the house, cooking, planning etc. Partner and I will be on a small vacation this time next week

I know these low, bleak days will pass. Might be cyclothimia, upcoming period, too low trazodone dose, or all of these. I'm determined to hang in here, looking forward to better days

I will up my trazodone dose to 100 mg tonight, as I feel it's time after being on a low 50 mg starting dose for a week-ish. Moving on, the vegan hasselback potatoes with avocado sauce were wonderful! I expect to have quite hectic, tough months with my new weight loss journey, kineto for my decrepit back, and EMDR therapy to process my trauma, and I really hope it's worth it. Keeping up with a routine is absolutely draining for now, and I have no idea how people are doing it Well, I'll keep trying my best and taking care of myself and my health

Suicidality level: 8/10
A word describing the day: chaotic, anxious, overwhelming
One thing I did for myself: I decided to start losing weight, as a decade+ of psych meds and ageing messed things up, and I've become a hefty chonker

View attachment IMG_2244.jpeg

 

[red_cardinal]

Entry #6

It's more and more difficult to stick to recovery, and I feel so weak for my inability to hang on and keep trying. I feel weak, unwanted, like a burden, and like I'll never be good enough, like I'll never be truly proud of myself, fulfilled, happy. My hope is slipping away, and I'm exhausted. Zero people who care in my life except my partner, who can't carry it all and doesn't deserve to anyway.

 

[Redacted24]

Feeling alone and unrecognized is really truly the worst. But, I'm following your journey and sending lots of encouragement and kindness and support - working on recovery is really hard and I continue to struggle doing that myself, so totally get it.

Please keep posting when you can, the good and the not so good.

It's...a shared struggle, and you're not alone. I'm here with you, okay?

Ps I love cardinals too. They had a few families nesting where I used to live. Such sweet animals!

 

[red_cardinal]

Feeling alone and unrecognized is really truly the worst. But, I'm following your journey and sending lots of encouragement and kindness and support - working on recovery is really hard and I continue to struggle doing that myself, so totally get it.

Please keep posting when you can, the good and the not so good.

It's...a shared struggle, and you're not alone. I'm here with you, okay?

Ps I love cardinals too. They had a few families nesting where I used to live. Such sweet animals!

Thank you so much, kind stranger I appreciate your reply a lot, and it helps. I will keep updating from time to time.

 

[Redacted24]

Hiya!
It's been a bit, just wanted to say hi and hope things are okay.
Sending lots of support and encouragement....
Richard

 

[red_cardinal]

Hiya!
It's been a bit, just wanted to say hi and hope things are okay.
Sending lots of support and encouragement....
Richard

Hey! Thank you for cheking up on me. The past 2 days have been much better, and I've been keeping busy. Will post a more detailed update today

 

[red_cardinal]

Entry #7

I've been meaning to make this entry for a few days, but I feel exhausted to the core. The smallest things feel impossible, but I'm pushing myself. I had mostly bad days since I haven't written here, with 2-3 really good, fun days. This cyclical nature of my mood, inner world, emotions is awful, bordering unbearable.

My sleep has been really good, though, and I'm grateful for trazodone. I had EMDR therapy today, and while we haven't got into the actual trauma processing yet, I like my new therapist and how reassuring and careful in her approach. I hope it will make a difference some months away from now.

I decided to call mom after 2 weeks we hadn't talked, and it was terrible. This was actually what made me spiral again. I decided to stop calling her altogether and stick to texting for now, until I make a decision with the guidance and support of my therapist. The call destabilized me, triggered emotional flashbacks, and I don't need more of that. It felt like forcing small talk with a stranger, so forced and awkward. No thanks.

I'm already taking a break from the weight loss thing, as even a small caloric deficit makes me feel hungry so often, so intense. I'll go to an endocrinologist when I'll be done with my kineto sessions, which I now have access to. I'm trying my best to make peace with my hefty chonker status, hoping that it's reversible and that endocrinologist/nutritionist will be able to tell me what's wrong and come up with a better plan Losing 15 kg would get me out of the overweight category.

Partner and I will depart for our trip tomorrow. I'm excited among all these negative feelings and low mood, and I do hope it will give us both a break from everyday stress and worries and exhaustion, and that we'll make fun memories together.

I'm hanging in here, and I'm still trying. Until next time

 

[red_cardinal]

Suicidality level: 6/10
A word describing the day: overwhelming
One thing I did for myself: I had honeydew melon with a little agave syrup

 

[red_cardinal]

Entry #8

Things are going decent. I've had 2 amazing days on our trip, we went to Pride and fed the cats at the museum. It's been scorching hot here, and I got sunburn on the back of my neck. I had a heavenly vegan burger yesterday, and I've been indulging quite a lot My back keeps hurting, my leg muscles are weak, but I hope starting kinetotherapy on Wednesday will help

 

[JoeFailure]

Sounds like you're doing great! It's awesome that you're trying. Can I ask where your trip was that you went to Pride?

 

[red_cardinal]

Sounds like you're doing great! It's awesome that you're trying. Can I ask where your trip was that you went to Pride?

I'm managing I went to Pride in my country, in Romania. I just traveled to a different city.

 

[red_cardinal]

Entry #9

I had one of the most dreadful days, and I'm relieved today is almost over. I upped my trazodone to 150 mg last night, as so far it hasn't made a big difference in how I feel, and I woke up in an even more scary daze, which lasted until the evening. The whole day was spent in survival mode, feeling like I'm losing it due to the intense depersonalization, while being aware that I'm still sane and it will pass.

Why do I have to struggle like this when trying to help myself? When does it proverbially pay off? Where is the huge, shiny reward? Out of 31 years of being on this damn spinny, floating rock, perhaps 1/10 were good or at leasr decent, peaceful. I'm exhausted from things shifting from one extreme to the other without my control. I no longer have any idea what's wrong with me, whether it's C-PTSD, BPD, autism, cyclothimia, or if I'm just incompetent at life or lack skills because I was neglected.

I have therapy in 2 days, and it's one of the few things I'm clinging on to and trying to use it to the fullest. I do want to recover, I do want a peaceful life. I do hope that's still possible for me.

Here's a goober we fed at the museum

 

[Redacted24]

It hurts to feel this way, to feel adrift and uncertain and alone.

It's great you have therapy and I really hope it helps you rebound and find some ways forward.

I believe in you. Keep doing what you can for yourself, give yourself grace, and we'll be here for you for support and encouragement and with kindness!

 

[red_cardinal]

It hurts to feel this way, to feel adrift and uncertain and alone.

It's great you have therapy and I really hope it helps you rebound and find some ways forward.

I believe in you. Keep doing what you can for yourself, give yourself grace, and we'll be here for you for support and encouragement and with kindness!

Thank you so much for the kind words of encouragenent I'm not giving up.

 

[red_cardinal]

Entry #10

Right now I feel so close to giving up. Life feels like a cruel joke when you'll be spending years fixing your health, which has been neglected by those who were supposed to address it timely. I feel like a burden, and instead of letting go of shame and guilt, I collect more and more, daily. I feel like a disgusting parasite just requiring so many resources to maybe, maybe, one day get back on my feet. I don't remember when I was 'on my feet' even. My health is in shambles - my spine (working on it), my mental health (have been working on it since 19), possible endometriosis, open bite & misaligned jaw that requires braces + BIMAX surgery, weight gain due to psych meds that feels impossible to get rid of... I don't know how much longer I can take not being able to work, and requiring so much money for my health