I'm adding a TW for brief and VERY brief mentions of rape, discrimination, and suicide. I'm really sorry if this doesn't belong under the recovery second, but I really do want to recover. I have recovered somewhat, and that's why I'm posting this here. Thank you to any that have read this.
I think I've gotten better somewhat overtime but I've found myself feeling worse and worse recently. Back when I was strongly suicidal one of the main reasons as to why was because, due to some trauma, I cared a lot about modern society, the people I'm surrounded by, and my community. Cared a lot as in, whether or not they were 'good' or 'bad'. And most people fell under bad. With everything going on in the world, the increasing lack of empathy amongst us, it felt like life wasn't worth living if I had to share it with trash. It was unbearable, having to even think of sharing the same oxygen, the same resources as all the bad people in my life and the world in general, to the point where I would rather kill myself than tolerate anything at all.
After receiving therapy and such, I've began to accept the harsh reality and therefore begin to focus on myself more rather than the big bad world since nobody can truly carry that burden upon them and change the world in the end. And I did well like that. But going back into education I find my peers being just so disgustingly complacent, upright complicit, and just all the people I considered bad. I feel guilty by association even if I laugh at something with them because it feels as though I'm becoming one of them even though it'd be about something ridiculous or unrelated to anything I'd consider 'bad'.
And so, I find myself falling back into that negative way of thinking. Because they're literally everywhere, you can't avoid it. They're so calloused, so disgusting and I feel guilty for being unable to call them out for it to their face just because I'd rather keep my peace. What's the point of living if these are the kinds of people I will end up having to grow up with and share a room with? It's literally, and I mean impossible to find someone 'decent' in my community. I've gone to youth centres, clubs, classmates, older people young people everything and nobody is what I'd consider 'good'. How I define 'bad' would be if they're racist, an immoral criminal such as pedophile, or being complicit with any of the such. Because it is bad, in my world. I mean it'd be kinda weird if being a pedo or racist wasn't considered bad...
Everyone's just so horrible. I'm not saying I'm a Saint. Another fraction as to why I wanted to kill myself was because I truly couldn't see how I was any better. And even if I know I'm not a criminal, I'm not racist, I'm not a bully. These kinds of things are killing me. It just feels unfair. With more and more news the world just gets worse and worse, how am I suppose to continue recovering in a world like that? I have basic future goals sure. But only things I had to convince myself, they are worth living for. I'm not sure if they really are, I don't care. But you sort of have to if you want to live.
I feel as though this had turned into a rant somewhat, but I guess it is a rant. I might come off as somewhat egotistical talking or dictating what's good or bad or whatnot. You can make me a horrible person for it. I'm not sure anymore. I just know what my moral lines are, or I try to. It feels as though the day I start ignoring such things, I'll become a bad person too.
...But at the same time It's still weird. What 'kind' person calls a stranger that had killed themself, rude names and slurs? What kind person, a grown adult would try dating a young teenager...what kind person would say offensive remarks about whole races, and sexualities whole heartedly? Or joke about rape victims in such a disgusting manner? The complasaincy that comes from saying 'boys will be boys' after they write a whole document plan, joke or not, about raping a little boy they don't even know? These are the kinds of people I'm surrounded with. My therapist said it's really not that bad. My mentor told me it's just how it is and that doesn't make it bad...etc. Am I really crazy for being unable to tolerate these kinds of things? And I've never laughed at any of it either. I've called it out, but what has that ever done for me?
It has ended up a cynical rant in the recovery channel, so I'm sorry. I just wasn't sure if this belonged in the suicide discussion or recovery. I want to recover, that's why I'm posting it here. I don't expect some random person on a suicide forum to have the magical answer that cures my ills, but really, I just have no one to talk to about this. I think boiled down, I care a little too much...but how couldn't I, when I know what it's like to be affected by such things?
I won't truly proof read because I've ended up ranting for so long. But I think this is moreso just my train of thought written down. Gosh, I'm really sorry if this isn't the place to write this kind of thing. But again, I wish I could see the world like others do. It feels like every religious person has seen something I never will, like every recovered person has learned something I haven't, and every ignorant person will live a stronger life of peace than those with good intentions. Maybe a dog eat dog world, but how am I expected to live like that? I'm a little too soft, I think.
I think I've gotten better somewhat overtime but I've found myself feeling worse and worse recently. Back when I was strongly suicidal one of the main reasons as to why was because, due to some trauma, I cared a lot about modern society, the people I'm surrounded by, and my community. Cared a lot as in, whether or not they were 'good' or 'bad'. And most people fell under bad. With everything going on in the world, the increasing lack of empathy amongst us, it felt like life wasn't worth living if I had to share it with trash. It was unbearable, having to even think of sharing the same oxygen, the same resources as all the bad people in my life and the world in general, to the point where I would rather kill myself than tolerate anything at all.
After receiving therapy and such, I've began to accept the harsh reality and therefore begin to focus on myself more rather than the big bad world since nobody can truly carry that burden upon them and change the world in the end. And I did well like that. But going back into education I find my peers being just so disgustingly complacent, upright complicit, and just all the people I considered bad. I feel guilty by association even if I laugh at something with them because it feels as though I'm becoming one of them even though it'd be about something ridiculous or unrelated to anything I'd consider 'bad'.
And so, I find myself falling back into that negative way of thinking. Because they're literally everywhere, you can't avoid it. They're so calloused, so disgusting and I feel guilty for being unable to call them out for it to their face just because I'd rather keep my peace. What's the point of living if these are the kinds of people I will end up having to grow up with and share a room with? It's literally, and I mean impossible to find someone 'decent' in my community. I've gone to youth centres, clubs, classmates, older people young people everything and nobody is what I'd consider 'good'. How I define 'bad' would be if they're racist, an immoral criminal such as pedophile, or being complicit with any of the such. Because it is bad, in my world. I mean it'd be kinda weird if being a pedo or racist wasn't considered bad...
Everyone's just so horrible. I'm not saying I'm a Saint. Another fraction as to why I wanted to kill myself was because I truly couldn't see how I was any better. And even if I know I'm not a criminal, I'm not racist, I'm not a bully. These kinds of things are killing me. It just feels unfair. With more and more news the world just gets worse and worse, how am I suppose to continue recovering in a world like that? I have basic future goals sure. But only things I had to convince myself, they are worth living for. I'm not sure if they really are, I don't care. But you sort of have to if you want to live.
I feel as though this had turned into a rant somewhat, but I guess it is a rant. I might come off as somewhat egotistical talking or dictating what's good or bad or whatnot. You can make me a horrible person for it. I'm not sure anymore. I just know what my moral lines are, or I try to. It feels as though the day I start ignoring such things, I'll become a bad person too.
...But at the same time It's still weird. What 'kind' person calls a stranger that had killed themself, rude names and slurs? What kind person, a grown adult would try dating a young teenager...what kind person would say offensive remarks about whole races, and sexualities whole heartedly? Or joke about rape victims in such a disgusting manner? The complasaincy that comes from saying 'boys will be boys' after they write a whole document plan, joke or not, about raping a little boy they don't even know? These are the kinds of people I'm surrounded with. My therapist said it's really not that bad. My mentor told me it's just how it is and that doesn't make it bad...etc. Am I really crazy for being unable to tolerate these kinds of things? And I've never laughed at any of it either. I've called it out, but what has that ever done for me?
It has ended up a cynical rant in the recovery channel, so I'm sorry. I just wasn't sure if this belonged in the suicide discussion or recovery. I want to recover, that's why I'm posting it here. I don't expect some random person on a suicide forum to have the magical answer that cures my ills, but really, I just have no one to talk to about this. I think boiled down, I care a little too much...but how couldn't I, when I know what it's like to be affected by such things?
I won't truly proof read because I've ended up ranting for so long. But I think this is moreso just my train of thought written down. Gosh, I'm really sorry if this isn't the place to write this kind of thing. But again, I wish I could see the world like others do. It feels like every religious person has seen something I never will, like every recovered person has learned something I haven't, and every ignorant person will live a stronger life of peace than those with good intentions. Maybe a dog eat dog world, but how am I expected to live like that? I'm a little too soft, I think.
