sannoji
dreaming of flying
- May 4, 2023
- 83
i think this post will be my goodbye, at least for a while, because i've been feeling so much better lately. but i didn't want to leave this site just all of a sudden. i've been using it infrequently, but maybe someone might recognise me.
i think i imagined that if i were to make a goodbye post, i'd be ctbing, and i'd probably write down my whole life story because it didn't matter at that time. i do think that it doesn't matter right now, but for a different reason. i think i have a little peace from my past trauma. i even started typing something out, but i just didn't want to. i'm in a place where i try not to care too much about the past, just the present and the future.
i'm doing emdr and it's been a godsend for me. haven't dug into the really painful trauma yet but so far i already feel better. surprisingly, the area i've had the most leaps and bounds in is my DID. i think a lot of it can actually be put down to myself. for years before i got into therapy i tried to get to know my parts, promote system harmony, and when i got into therapy i think many were already ready to fuse. it didn't go super well at first, though. i changed things too quickly and went back to that feeling of being completely taken over by a part, unable to differentiate them. but i taught myself to step back and have more of a dialogue with them. as a result, i used to have tens of parts, but at the moment, i just feel like "me." there are some parts that i'm pretty sure are part of "me," some which i'm not sure about, and some which still feel separate but which i can talk to. they usually stay far away enough that i can conversate with them nowadays to deal with their needs. it's really refreshing.
i doubt this will help anyone else to say because it's a personal conclusion i had to come to on my own, but what got me here was realising exactly what was important to me. going on hrt + transition, my interests, my art, my career, even. i've always been pretty self sustaining. and in the case of my parts, my therapist helped me listen to them, but without caring 'too much'…? i stopped caring about identities, but made sure i always listened to any feelings that parts had. so they feel heard without emphasising separateness.
anyway, i'll be sad to leave, but i think it's for the best right now. i really am grateful for this site, and the three (!) years i spent here. in my darkest moments i was able to be unfiltered and it got me through, long enough for me to make it to feeling better. and i think i'll remain with the view that everyone should have the right to die. i just don't feel like it's my path anymore. i really, truly do want to live as long as i can. i don't even remember the last time i felt like that, i feel like miracles have been done.
all the best to everyone,
sannoji
i think i imagined that if i were to make a goodbye post, i'd be ctbing, and i'd probably write down my whole life story because it didn't matter at that time. i do think that it doesn't matter right now, but for a different reason. i think i have a little peace from my past trauma. i even started typing something out, but i just didn't want to. i'm in a place where i try not to care too much about the past, just the present and the future.
i'm doing emdr and it's been a godsend for me. haven't dug into the really painful trauma yet but so far i already feel better. surprisingly, the area i've had the most leaps and bounds in is my DID. i think a lot of it can actually be put down to myself. for years before i got into therapy i tried to get to know my parts, promote system harmony, and when i got into therapy i think many were already ready to fuse. it didn't go super well at first, though. i changed things too quickly and went back to that feeling of being completely taken over by a part, unable to differentiate them. but i taught myself to step back and have more of a dialogue with them. as a result, i used to have tens of parts, but at the moment, i just feel like "me." there are some parts that i'm pretty sure are part of "me," some which i'm not sure about, and some which still feel separate but which i can talk to. they usually stay far away enough that i can conversate with them nowadays to deal with their needs. it's really refreshing.
i doubt this will help anyone else to say because it's a personal conclusion i had to come to on my own, but what got me here was realising exactly what was important to me. going on hrt + transition, my interests, my art, my career, even. i've always been pretty self sustaining. and in the case of my parts, my therapist helped me listen to them, but without caring 'too much'…? i stopped caring about identities, but made sure i always listened to any feelings that parts had. so they feel heard without emphasising separateness.
anyway, i'll be sad to leave, but i think it's for the best right now. i really am grateful for this site, and the three (!) years i spent here. in my darkest moments i was able to be unfiltered and it got me through, long enough for me to make it to feeling better. and i think i'll remain with the view that everyone should have the right to die. i just don't feel like it's my path anymore. i really, truly do want to live as long as i can. i don't even remember the last time i felt like that, i feel like miracles have been done.
all the best to everyone,
sannoji
