Venting Recovering from someone's attempt.

[SoLowHollow48]

Hi, guys. I have an ex whose account was once here. I'm not sure if it's been deactivated yet or not but I've declared on her account that her SN attempt is successful and so she's passed this June 23rd. For months, I am trying to deal with her loss right now. When someone passed away here, what do you do to just accept in and move on with life? I feel like whatever thoughts I have surrounding kicking my own bucket got worse as I thought about her death.

I was horrible to her. When she was struggling with her depression, I was struggling with my family and I wasn't strong enough to be patient with her. We ended up fighting and as I grew meaner with my words, she shut me out entirely from her life until the day that she died. I was in the dark for about 4 months before I was called by her sister about her death. Since then, I kept telling myself that I don't deserve any sort of forgiveness from her or from myself. I should live just to die. I shouldn't be happy and if another person comes along, I'll just fuck it up and that would be deserving because I failed her. I failed the only person who wanted me.

It's one of the reasons why I'm here, actually. Maybe I should catch up, you know? Why the fuck am I still breathing?

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Since then, I kept telling myself that I don't deserve any sort of forgiveness from her or from myself. I should live just to die. I shouldn't be happy and if another person comes along, I'll just fuck it up and that would be deserving because I failed her. I failed the only person who wanted me.

I mean, I think you changing for the better would be more technically meaningful than just following suit in CTBing like she did. Your punishment for being a rancid (but sympathetic) asshole at some point shouldn't be death. If that was the case, half this site would deserve to die, Recovery section included.

What I'm saying is... choose what you decide to choose, but it isn't your "only option" in regards to consequences of your actions. Anyone who works on themselves, can become a better person and be worthy of love/stable in a relationship. Unless your ex left a note specifically aimed at you, you can't know if they even blamed you at all, so maybe you CTBing isn't what they'd want.

Whatever you choose, I hope you find a way to decrease your suffering. You deserve to feel valued.

 

[SoLowHollow48]

I mean, I think you changing for the better would be more technically meaningful than just following suit in CTBing like she did. Your punishment for being a rancid (but sympathetic) asshole at some point shouldn't be death. If that was the case, half this site would deserve to die, Recovery section included.

What I'm saying is... choose what you decide to choose, but it isn't your "only option" in regards to consequences of your actions. Anyone who works on themselves, can become a better person and be worthy of love/stable in a relationship. Unless your ex left a note specifically aimed at you, you can't know if they even blamed you at all, so maybe you CTBing isn't what they'd want.

Whatever you choose, I hope you find a way to decrease your suffering. You deserve to feel valued.

Hi. Thank you for your insights. Upon entering this site, I did say that I don't want to go yet. I am anguished but I'm not leaving soon. I will eventually.

She left me a letter that told me not to blame myself nor others for her own death. She told me that she cut me out of her life because she couldn't stand my hurtful words.

She wished that I am finally able to be happy with myself and to finally get out of the struggle I'm still in.

There wasn't a specific line on her letter that blamed me for her death although I'd like to think that I caused all of this because she planned it since November 2024 which was a few weeks after our break-up. To me, she didn't even need to write a single thing about blaming me at all to say that I have influence over her death.

She had tried therapy and tried going to a psychiatrist (she tried some meds and had switched between 3 brands) and my fucking dumbass still couldn't have the heart to just be supportive and stay positive about her recovering.

I made her feel like a burden and I even said it. She made me so angry. She reminded me of my terminally ill mother and it made me so angry because she wasn't supposed to. Not when she was that young and brilliant and certainly not when she promised to be strong for me.

I don't know. I fucking hate myself. How can I even claim that I love her when I treated her so horribly?

I do hope that I am changing for the better but this scar she left me, I'll continue to scratch it to let it bleed. I don't want to heal because the only way to heal is to forget and I don't want to forget.

 

[Hvergelmir]

When someone passed away here, what do you do to just accept in and move on with life?

Here, specifically, I know what this place is, and I maintain emotional distance. There are not many people here, that would be able to just accept what you've been though, and effortlessly move on.

Since then, I kept telling myself that I don't deserve... [...] I don't want to heal because...

Don't do that. It's too easy to form circle arguments justifying feeling bad.
You don't need that justification. Grief and second guessing yourself, just proves that you're human.

To put it bluntly, if she wanted you dead, she'd try to kill you first - instead she specifically told you to not blame yourself.

Move on. It'll be tough, so try to focus on the right things.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

There wasn't a specific line on her letter that blamed me for her death although I'd like to think that I caused all of this because she planned it since November 2024 which was a few weeks after our break-up. To me, she didn't even need to write a single thing about blaming me at all to say that I have influence over her death.

I want to add to this specifically from experience.

Obviously, no one is going to lie and say that you did not contribute to her mental struggles. But to immediately assume you caused all that because of the date is jumping to conclusions.

I've thought about this a lot since I've considering CTBing after being on the receiving end of similar situations/relationships with others, and I've had to think about when and how I would do it since I worried that they'd blame themselves (using the logic you are now).

The likelihood is that she was in a contant state of adrenaline with you—survival mechanisms like fight or flight—all under the surface. When you two finally broke up, her mind was able to turn off the constant buzz of adrenaline, and the drop off caused her depression to get worse.

This is a common thing for abuse survivors that have comorbid disorders when leaving abuse. It's often easier to live in the trauma than to leave it.

You feel empty, and you know you still have to survive, but now you don't have a "face" to put on what you have to survive. You feel lost. So it's easier to kill yourself.

You probably were that "face." It doesn't make it much better, but it does add perspective. It's less that you killed her, and more that you neglected to save her.