reason to live?

[theyspeak]

i'm basically messed up:

i've been dealing with mental issues for 5 years now and things keep on getting worse.
it's not like a dreadful feeling sometimes, and yes, there are good moments and good days, but in general as time passes it's like my condition is slowly worsening.

i don't have anything that i want anymore, no support from anybody, no reason to live.

when i think about ending my life i get relief.
it's like that "oh, finally" feeling.

this is more of a personal way to make my resolve more strong and concrete, so i'd be happy to interact with somebody but it's not necessary.
i'll document myself and prepare, but i do want to end it as soon as possible.

maybe i'll buy a ticket for some faraway place and just jump from a building.

 

[Darkover]

films,music,drugs,art,science,technology,sex,money,to learn,video games
because your life quality might get better and to see what happens to the world within your lifetime

 

[theyspeak]

i don't find the relief i want from entertainment.
it does keep my mind busy and entertained, but it's just a temporary feeling that i can afford to have for a little period of time.
also, it gets sad that i spend all of my free time watching anime and such.

drugs are not an option for me anymore, since i can't even smoke half a joint without getting terribly mind shattered.

sex? could be something, but, really, do you thrive in life just to fuck somebody?

i guess what i would really need would be an existential medicine, something that strips me of everything and gives me a soothing feeling of "it's fine", but i know that's just fucking unrealistic.

i'm currently looking up some flight tickets, i know a place where you can jump from a bridge and die without fail.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would feel relieved at the thought of finally being free from everything, I get that it's so awful when existing here just continues to get worse. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.