Venting Connections

[morina]

I am a fundamentally boring person, without interest, passion, or anything noteworthy that would make me a worthy participant in a romantic or platonic relationship. And I know that. Yet I desire true friendship and love so much. All while acknowledging the impossibility of it ever happening. It may be human nature, but it's illogical. It's no wonder that for the past almost 15 years my only "friends" have been abusive people. I naturally attract those, since there is no other benefit I can bring to a friendship except being taken advantage of or abused. People who look for actual friends obviously wouldn't pick me. And how could I blame them? I wouldn't even know what I could talk about or how I would otherwise interact with myself. Most people don't hate me, they just ignore me. My only purpose is being a stepping stone for abusers. And it's not like I am stupid or naïve, I know very much for every person I interact with how it will eventually turn out. But I have no choice. I need connections. It will happen again. I'll meet another person who will again abuse me, and again I'll only leave them after they decide they have used me as their plaything for long enough and drop me, completely stopping their initial display of affection towards me, leaving me more wounded than before. It's just how it is. This cycle will repeat until my preferably imminent, though much more likely distant, end. Because why would it be soon, of course I have to be a coward, too.

Yippie, my first own thread and it's a negative vent thread...

 

[PainWorseThanDeath]

I'm not going to be around for much longer, but.. I can be your friend for the next few weeks. I won't abuse you, because I know what it's like.. you and I are very similar in this regard.

The situation might not be ideal, but I can at least be your true friend up until the moment that I catch the bus.

 

[morina]

Thank you for your offer, but I didn't intend this to be a "begging for friends" thread, just venting. Like I said, I wouldn't even know what to talk about with friends, anyway. That's why I think my desire is illogical. I have nothing I'd want to do with friends, yet the idea of friendship is so desirable to me. I hope you can spend the remainder of your life at least somewhat in peace, good luck.

 

[PainWorseThanDeath]

What do you like to do? What are some of yoir hobbies? What angers you most in life? What makes you happy?

Are you passionate abt any causes?

 

[morina]

That's what I meant, I have neither hobbies nor passions and spend my free time doomscrolling or bedrotting while staring at a ceiling; my non-free-time I spend studying and doing assignments for university in a major I hate. It's not like I "fried my dopamine receptors" or something, it has always been like that, from the very start of what I can remember. As a little child I already often layed on the floor staring at the ceiling, being tortured by endless thoughts. There is also nothing that makes me happy, I can only laugh about temporary distractions, nothing giving me true happiness.
I know that all sounds so incredibly edgy, like if I was a teenager in an identity crisis, but it's truly how I feel and have always felt, through childhood, adolescence, and now adulthood.