Real this time.

[SuffrInSilence]

I accidentally posted this while still typing so heres take two.

I have been suicidal in the past, but have no serious attempts as an adult. I have come close a few times, walked into water at night (very cold, bad idea!), and I have elaborately planned my suicide before.

Normally when I've felt suicidal, I have a written plan, drafted a suicide note, stop scheduling shifts at work and leave social media, all kind of invisible things. And then when I inevitability chickened out, nothing major had changed and I kept going.
it's different this time.
I am quitting my job. I'm throwing away the last things I owned. I don't have a date or a fixed plan like I did in the past, but it feels much more serious. I am wrapping up my life. Bringing it to a close. And I am so ready to be done now.

My thoughts about methods have changed. I used to think OD or drowning. Now I'm thinking cliff. Maybe train. I like the idea of a cliff though. Book a bnb, have a last day or two out somewhere rural alone. And then be done.
It isn't impulsive anger driving this anymore. I'm just done.
I wish that friends understood. There are some friends I wish I could say goodbye to. I want to tell them that I love them, that I know they love me, it isn't their fault. I want to have a last night with them and cry and be happy and sad and let go properly. I just have to hope that they will work it out for themselves afterwards.

I don't think I need a fixed plan this time. I don't need a timeline to hold me accountable. I'm just taking steps when they are right.
I am getting rid of the last of my stuff tonight, other than some clothes, and things my friends will want. I have talked to my boss socially about leaving, she knows I will hand in my notice any day now. I got some cash out for a hotel room. I don't need to rush. When I'm ready, I will get on a train and find the right place.

I have been reading this forum for years, only just joined. Just needed to say these things somewhere I guess.
This is just a stream of consciousness, no one has to respond.
A family member keeps asking if I'm okay. I asked tonight for her to please stop asking if I'm alright, because I'm not, and I don't want to say yes anymore. And she accepted that. I know and I think she knows, that she can barely deal with her own life, and she can't carry this. And that's okay now, I get that, I'm not asking for help. There isn't any help.
She won't be surprised when I CTB.

I think there are two kinds of people who die from suicide, the ones where everyone is all shocked and says "but they seemed so happy" and shows off how they were smiling the week before and goes on and on about how depression is impossible to see. And then there are the ones where no one really says anything. Because it wasn't impossible to see, and they weren't happy, and everyone could see they were hurting and either couldn't or wouldn't help.
No one will be shocked to find out I killed myself. No one will say I looked happy.

I think I used to feel bitter that I could tell everyone knew I wasn't coping and no one helped, but I thought they didn't want to. Now, when I look at the people around me, I don't think they every had a clue how to help. They'd save me if they could. They cant. It's okay, I can accept that.
they can't fix me, I can't fix me, there is something in my head fundamentally wired wrong and I choose not to live with it anymore.

 

[Zegers]

My situation is also beyond repair. I don't feel like doing anything anymore and when i try do anything it's basically a struggle or massive anxiety. I don't want to go on year after year in an empty cycle that leads nowhere but anguish. Two years ago i was trying to do things to improve, in vain, but now the decision of ctb is completely made so i will do things to set it up and entertain myself in the meantime.

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings of wanting to be free from everything are understandable. I think that maybe some people are just not meant for this life, that is how I feel. I wish you freedom.