clawsofperdition
the end is near
- Sep 4, 2020
- 55
Don't really have anyone to talk to about this so.. sorry
This past year has been one of the hardest years ever. I'll start with some background: I've been diagnosed with cptsd, bpd, depression and more between the ages 14-17. I've been sexually & physically assaulted repeatedly in the past by people whom I trusted. I had a rough upbringing, never really had a comforting, warm connection with my family nor could I ever rely on them. During this I was on my fourth year of dbt therapy.
My bf and I broke up late 2021 because of something he did that hurt me and broke my trust. The breakup was difficult and made me even more suicidal than I already was. After seeing a new cbt therapist she told me in our first session that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. My dbt therapist up till then did tell me how toxic/ hurtful my relationship was but she never used the word abusive. I had a complete mental breakdown that just continued to deteriorate till I attempted suicide using N in feb 22. Sadly, I was saved. I was hospitalized for 3-4 months. Before the attempt and after, I also became vocal about what he put me. Up until then I was always quiet about what I've been through but to have it happen over and over again just broke me. I couldn't take it anymore. Some believed me, some didn't. I did gain support from people and new friends, did lose acquaintances and contact w friends that just didn't believe me or didn't want to be part of this. May 22 ex and I started talking again and I start to believe maybe I exaggerated. I was hurt but I could've seen his side and that he didn't mean any of it and we're just different people with different understandings. I will say he is a vv different unique person, stubborn, different when it comes to interpersonal relationships, very reactive and I had to discuss basic communication skills along with boundaries throughout our relationship. I apologized, at the time he said he admits he hurt me sexually but he didn't sexually assault me. About being emotionally hurtful he doesn't really agree since he comes from a family of screamers, demanders etc. In my head that was the confirmation I needed. We have spoken about getting back together. Both of us were at the lowest points of our lives (he was just normally sad, I was devastated and severely mentally ill) We have got together since then. I've always loved him and we promised things would be different. They really are. We do have relationship problems but so does every other relationship. The thing is over may 22 i've lost some friends. A month or two before the breakup his at the time best friend's girlfriend broke up with him. I did not know till my break up why also bc I didn't have any contact w her nor with his best friend (they fell out). She ended it due to his abusive tendencies (sexually & emotionally). Both of us experiencing the same trauma, ptsd, depression, suicidality and more- connected through our experiences and leaned a bit on each other. When I stated that me and him are getting back together, she absolutely lost it on me. She cursed me repeatedly for hours for a week or so, wished me awful things, said very hurtful things till she ended contact with me. Another girl we were both in contact with did the same (she found out through her) and sent me gut wrenching messages. Both basically bullied me and I became very depressed and suicidal ever since (not like there was a difference before lol). Their reasoning is that i'm getting together with a known abuser and that by going back to him i'm supporting him. At the time, I admit I felt differently and I started saying maybe I exaggerated or lied etc. but I know what actually happened and I know I was hurt and treated badly in some ways I just genuinely do believe that my bf has some kind of disorder due to many of his behaviors and thoughts that differentiates him and gains my compassion and understanding. The fact is that he is a ""known"" abuser because of me i'm the one that opened up about the things i've been through. Abuse victims do go back to their partners. No one knows how difficult it is to be trauma bonded along w bpd. I don't feel comfortable calling myself an abuse victim but just generally speaking that's how they see it. Before the bullying they tried to convince me to not get back with him, telling me that I have stockholm syndrome, a trauma bond etc. I somewhat agreed. I just, I didn't expect this. It's hurtful thinking about it daily and yeah maybe i'm a dumbass asshole but I've honestly always treated them with love, respect and kindness. Even during their bullying. I never lashed out, hurt them, blocked them. I always tried to converse and tell them I love them, they're dear friends to me. Ever since I've noticed many people treat me differently and I know for a fact that she gossiped about me to a lot of people via random messages I got from people I haven't spoken to in a long time. Just sad that I lost so much. This year has been one of the worst years of my life. Every day I wish I could take my life but don't have access to many things in my country. I'm seriously considered moving to Canada just to apply for MAID. I'm so lonely, hated and depressed. I'm so embarrassed I wish I could disappear.
This past year has been one of the hardest years ever. I'll start with some background: I've been diagnosed with cptsd, bpd, depression and more between the ages 14-17. I've been sexually & physically assaulted repeatedly in the past by people whom I trusted. I had a rough upbringing, never really had a comforting, warm connection with my family nor could I ever rely on them. During this I was on my fourth year of dbt therapy.
My bf and I broke up late 2021 because of something he did that hurt me and broke my trust. The breakup was difficult and made me even more suicidal than I already was. After seeing a new cbt therapist she told me in our first session that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. My dbt therapist up till then did tell me how toxic/ hurtful my relationship was but she never used the word abusive. I had a complete mental breakdown that just continued to deteriorate till I attempted suicide using N in feb 22. Sadly, I was saved. I was hospitalized for 3-4 months. Before the attempt and after, I also became vocal about what he put me. Up until then I was always quiet about what I've been through but to have it happen over and over again just broke me. I couldn't take it anymore. Some believed me, some didn't. I did gain support from people and new friends, did lose acquaintances and contact w friends that just didn't believe me or didn't want to be part of this. May 22 ex and I started talking again and I start to believe maybe I exaggerated. I was hurt but I could've seen his side and that he didn't mean any of it and we're just different people with different understandings. I will say he is a vv different unique person, stubborn, different when it comes to interpersonal relationships, very reactive and I had to discuss basic communication skills along with boundaries throughout our relationship. I apologized, at the time he said he admits he hurt me sexually but he didn't sexually assault me. About being emotionally hurtful he doesn't really agree since he comes from a family of screamers, demanders etc. In my head that was the confirmation I needed. We have spoken about getting back together. Both of us were at the lowest points of our lives (he was just normally sad, I was devastated and severely mentally ill) We have got together since then. I've always loved him and we promised things would be different. They really are. We do have relationship problems but so does every other relationship. The thing is over may 22 i've lost some friends. A month or two before the breakup his at the time best friend's girlfriend broke up with him. I did not know till my break up why also bc I didn't have any contact w her nor with his best friend (they fell out). She ended it due to his abusive tendencies (sexually & emotionally). Both of us experiencing the same trauma, ptsd, depression, suicidality and more- connected through our experiences and leaned a bit on each other. When I stated that me and him are getting back together, she absolutely lost it on me. She cursed me repeatedly for hours for a week or so, wished me awful things, said very hurtful things till she ended contact with me. Another girl we were both in contact with did the same (she found out through her) and sent me gut wrenching messages. Both basically bullied me and I became very depressed and suicidal ever since (not like there was a difference before lol). Their reasoning is that i'm getting together with a known abuser and that by going back to him i'm supporting him. At the time, I admit I felt differently and I started saying maybe I exaggerated or lied etc. but I know what actually happened and I know I was hurt and treated badly in some ways I just genuinely do believe that my bf has some kind of disorder due to many of his behaviors and thoughts that differentiates him and gains my compassion and understanding. The fact is that he is a ""known"" abuser because of me i'm the one that opened up about the things i've been through. Abuse victims do go back to their partners. No one knows how difficult it is to be trauma bonded along w bpd. I don't feel comfortable calling myself an abuse victim but just generally speaking that's how they see it. Before the bullying they tried to convince me to not get back with him, telling me that I have stockholm syndrome, a trauma bond etc. I somewhat agreed. I just, I didn't expect this. It's hurtful thinking about it daily and yeah maybe i'm a dumbass asshole but I've honestly always treated them with love, respect and kindness. Even during their bullying. I never lashed out, hurt them, blocked them. I always tried to converse and tell them I love them, they're dear friends to me. Ever since I've noticed many people treat me differently and I know for a fact that she gossiped about me to a lot of people via random messages I got from people I haven't spoken to in a long time. Just sad that I lost so much. This year has been one of the worst years of my life. Every day I wish I could take my life but don't have access to many things in my country. I'm seriously considered moving to Canada just to apply for MAID. I'm so lonely, hated and depressed. I'm so embarrassed I wish I could disappear.
