I'm so socially inept and have no charisma... I seem to make people feel uncomfortable without meaning to. I almost always never understand why what I said was met with a silence, people pretending to not have heard me, or people seeming uncomfortable. I've also been tested for autism and told I don't have it. Yet, I'm so socially inept. Then it later occurs to me why everyone seemed to feel embarrassed for me... whenever I look at all the social interactions I've had over the course of my life, I want to crawl into a ditch and die and I cringe.
It's part of the reason I want to ctb. And ugh I want to cut myself right now.
I'm an embarrassment. Also due to a lack of an autism diagnosis, there's no help available to me. I've looked into social skills groups, there's none for adults without an autism diagnosis. I've taken communication classes. It doesn't help. Because I don't understand social norms, and no matter how much I observe and research, it's not enough. I'm also really ugly. No matter what. My height and features make it so I'll always be ugly. I'm also uneducated and am not intelligent. I have no common sense. I have nothing going for me.
A lot of people are remembered positively when they die. I won't be. I'll be remembered poorly.