Random thoughts

[Manaaja]

I want to go to a better place, my own comfy world.

 

[Scribble Fan]

It's not right how we're brought into this world without our consent. I didn't ask to be born and wish I never was. Having children should be illegal, as crazy as that sounds.

 

[The Divine Comedy]

I thought this thread could be interesting. Sometimes one might have a topic they want to talk about or just vent, but they might think it is not worth making a thread about it.

For example, I will start.

Earlier when I was taking a shower, I remembered something I had long forgotten and it made me realize I might have been wishing for death for longer than I thought. It was of my belief that I started wishing to die around my 15 years old mark or so, but even before that, I now remember fantasizing in my head about dying to protect/save someone. The someone in question would change, but they were usually my yearly school crush (I pretty much had a different crush every year when I was a kid). It is weird, isn't it? Even as a 10 years old or so kid, death was already a common thought for me. I wonder why...

—

Anything goes, but keep it civil and no prejudice/hatred here, please. If the thread isn't interesting, just let it fade away — Eventually it will be buried by other new threads.

I had similar fantasies for a long time. After some reflection, I realised it was dually motivated by both the desire for death and the desire for meaning. Sacrificing oneself for another fulfulls both of those desires. It is a beautiful thing. One might call it sublime.

 

[http-410]

Both life and suicide are a waste of time.

It's weird how everything ends up in insignificance. Like flushing the toilet.

Seeing other people go down any path, whether to life or death, makes me realize how stuck I am. I think it would do me good to hide the recovery section.

Somehow I managed to dissociate myself af by being there and standing around. I wonder why the dogs barked at me so aggressively.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I kind of wish I could sing. Maybe I should take lessons so I don't sound like a dying duck anymore lol

 

[littlelungs]

I just had a George Michael song stuck in my head and I automatically thought to myself, "He's so talented; I wonder what he's been up to lately?"... and then right after that thought popped into my stupid head, I remembered that he died in 2016. What the fuck.

 

[Scribble Fan]

A stupid, shallow thought but damn, I wish I was more attractive. Then maybe she'd be into me.

 

[Circles]

While I've been looking into alternate history the curious side of me kinda wishes what World War 1 and 2 would've been like if both lasted atleast a decade each. God the history documentaries would be insane.

 

[Seaghost]

Doing the right thing doesn't mean others understand that or are grateful.
Theory and practice....aye aye.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I wish someone would love and care about me but I don't have anyone like that in my life. Who would love a loser like me :(

 

[avoid_slow_death]

So can't wait until January 1st at midnight. Will be able to finally leave this nightmare of a life behind me. I'm actually excited like in a countdown to Christmas kind of way!

 

[avoid_slow_death]

So....this is what my last days are like....wanting to die so badly, but delaying it temporarily for others sake. Everyone aware I can do it any minute but nobody trying to stop me and then there's the worst part....no close friends. Not one. Sad thing is, I saw it possibly ending this way a long time ago. Guess I really was right. I really am a completely disposable and worthless piece of trash and taking myself out is no different than throwing out the garbage....

 

[Nolife33]

I wonder what is after death, even if I am not suicidal.

 

[TheHatedOne]

I'll never stay sober for this long again... It's horrible.

 

[Scribble Fan]

Part of me is glad I have nobody in my life. I feel completely useless. Everything I do is a mistake.

 

[TheHatedOne]

ally me feelings are all over the place. (im absolutely drunk rn so expect many typos whoops). I don't know what to do. I feel very anxious regarding something about uni right now. On another side is ym whole future and of course now I have on my shoulder the weight of having a crush again. I have the highest urge to confess now that I am drunk but I have to hold myself otherwise it will go to shit. Would I even confess ever? even when they got everything planned? I don't know. I dont even know wtf is love anymore. even which kind of love ifeel rn. 99% of the time i can;t describe what I feel. I dont know myself anymore. Its like im a complete stranget even to myself. I actually always felt like I was myself living in the wrong mind and body. The all the moments of depersonalization i had holy cow. My firt one was at 6-7 years old for fucks sake. i think thats it for now i cant do more im too drunk.

 

[http-410]

So many people go. So brave.

 

[rationaltake]

So....this is what my last days are like....wanting to die so badly, but delaying it temporarily for others sake. Everyone aware I can do it any minute but nobody trying to stop me and then there's the worst part....no close friends. Not one. Sad thing is, I saw it possibly ending this way a long time ago. Guess I really was right. I really am a completely disposable and worthless piece of trash and taking myself out is no different than throwing out the garbage....

I appreciate your posts. Your character shines through. I tend to brevity so this is short.

 

[TheHatedOne]

He's so frickin' perfect and sweet I can't even...

 

[TheHatedOne]

My self doubts and negativity always get in the way of what could be a chance, a something good in my life. I hate myself to the oblivion for this.

 

[Manaaja]

This world doesn't feel real. It's odd, the more realistic and pessimistic I am the more everything feels unreal and fake like a bad nightmare, and whenever I'm positive and happy everything feels real. I just have this innate instinct that everything good and happy is real and everything bad is unreal. I feel much more sane and mentally healthy when I believe in good miracles and good deeds, and completely retarded, evil and psychotic when I believe that bad things are real.

Maybe that's why it's almost impossible for me to be depressed, because I have this child-like faith that good will beat evil and good miracles happen. But not now, I'm the most exhausted, tired, depressed person right now.

Lately I've been absolutely atheistic. I hate it. I hate it when I'm an atheist. Because it's impossible for me to be mentally sane and function if there's no greater goal and no greater goodness. Like if I see a bad person and a good person. When I'm theistic or spiritual or whatever it is, I think that the bad person will be punished and go to hell and the good person will go to heaven and be rewarded. It makes me so happy. But when I'm feeling atheistic, I just think "That bad person probably has been rewarded with free sex, significant others, friends, good health, dream houses, lots of money, easy jobs, good parents, lovely siblings, and all kinds of good things, while that good person will probably suffer from poverty, abuse, rape, loneliness, bad health, awful living conditions and then finally commit suicide"

This is all unhealthy. I wish I could get full control over my own life.

 

[OrcWitch]

Wet Dry World in super mario 64 is kind of eerie. A lot of things in that game are eerie but I was unable to see it when I was 5 and playing it for the first time. Another eerie game was Donkey Kong country 3 for the SNES, which I also didn't see as a kid. The barrel boss and the snowman boss are nightmarish creatures.

 

[TheHatedOne]

I need to remind myself not to expect too much.

 

[http-410]

I feel weird and I don't know what to think. I guess I'm just tired. If I go for a walk right now, my flow of thoughts will probably start working again. I wonder if that's such a good thing.

Recent reports have been off-putting, but I don't know what to do. The last few weeks in particular have been tough. It can't go on like this forever.

 

[omoidarui]

rupaul's drag race tho

where have i even been

 

[http-410]

I wish I had the guarantee that it won't be bad and agonizing and that I won't regret it. I wish I had N.

It's terrible that people have no other choice.

Ugh, I knew going for a walk was not a good idea.

I'm also wishing for a bunch of fast food right now.

 

[TheHatedOne]

i hate it that good people suffer the most. fuck this shit.

 

[Manaaja]

I want to have my belly rubbed by a 20 meter tall woman while using a 160 cm man as a pillow

 

[Seaghost]

Mhhh one of that things thats bad to discribe as non native speaker but its in my head and wanted out so badly.

I wish I could fly like Peter Pan.
So I could fly around the planet. A few minutes at every user here. Having a hug for you or just some kind words so that your pain isnt so intense in that short time. Give you a smile and and some kind of positive vibrations.
Like a bee frome flower to flower.
You are awake at night and need someone to see...someone who knows you are here. I'd fly to you. Say its good to see you. Good you are alive.
You wanna ctb? Its ok. I fly to you. Give you peace in that moment. Waiting till your body release that magical 21gramms of your soul and bring your spirit wherever you want.
You were not able to ctb? Something goes wrong? I would fly to you. Give you some peace. Try to make your suffering a lil bit fewer.
You want recovery? I bring you some flowers. Some good news of your friends and if you don't have some friends I bring you to other people in that situation so you will be friends

If I could fly...
I can't fly. I am no bird, no dragon, no angel.
Maybe I can do that if I'm dead. So dear Santa Claus make me that I'm dead and let that corrupt thing called body behind of me and fly to people who suffer and give me the power to mak em happy.

I wish I could fly!!!!!

 

[littlelungs]

I'm so nervous.

I told my stepmom that I have ME/CFS and about a couple other of my chronic illnesses in an email earlier because whenever she's asked me how I'm doing I always feel the need to be as vague as possible when answering, as I've always been very reserved when it comes to talking about my health out of fear of the wide range of shitty reactions I could get (and have gotten in the past from my dad's side). I'm really sensitive when it comes to my chronic illnesses because of how much bullshit and suffering I went through trying to be heard and to get help and how much I'm still suffering the consequences from having to deal with all of that. I'm afraid of being invalidated and called a "faker" like I was when I first fell ill with ME/CFS as a teenager, which is a large part of why I covered it up and suffered alone with it for so long... I was young, highly impressionable and very traumatized and I was so scared of what other people thought and said about me. Lots of gaslighting.

Anyway, she's most likely going to pass the info on to my dad and I'm panicking and regretting having said anything about it and potentially making myself vulnerable to their judgment, and I've had to take a pill for the anxiety because it's just too much.

I know that I'm an adult and don't actually have to tell them anything if I'm not comfortable with it, but at the same time, it's really hard for me to answer such a simple, common question like, "How are you?" without some context. I've never lied and said that I'm doing well; rather I've just kept it short and said some sort of variant of, "I'm struggling with my chronic conditions and doing the best I can," but it's hard to say that every single damn time without it sounding weird if they don't even have much of an idea as to what's actually going on with me, and then they'll keep saying things like, "I'm glad you're doing well," when I've never actually said anything about doing well, and it just rubs me the wrong way because then I don't ever want to be dishonest or give people the wrong impression... and, idk, it all just stresses me right out.

I hope I don't get a shitty reaction. I don't want pity; all I've ever really wanted is to be heard... maybe understood, but I know that's a reach.

I also just really hate the "how are you?" question in general, because a) it reminds me of how fucked up everything is, and b) most people don't even care about the answer anyway, OR they're extremely with the answer because I had the nerve to answer honestly.