Random thoughts

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

How can you feel so empty? It feels like I don't know who I am and what I want. What do I think? Just empty everywhere ... Hard to get a grip on myself. It feels like I need pressure around me to feel something. I want to feel like I exist...

 

[littlelungs]

I'm sick of being so bad at everything I do.

I'm sick of asking stupid questions and inconveniencing people just by existing.

I'm sick of being a stain on this world and other people's lives. I'll make people upset one last time when I die, and then nobody has to worry about me or deal with me ever again.

I'm sick of hurting... but maybe, I definitely deserve it.

I'm sick.

 

[http-410]

How do people who plan to kill themselves manage to sleep? Especially if they have a fixed date?

 

[Meditation guide]

I'm tired of everything coming from China, literally everything. And it's all toxic junk.

Now people buy new things, for example air fryers, that catch on fire. Or the lids on things are warped, or screws are falling out into food being cooked. These are new appliances.

 

[http-410]

They mowed the brush, making it easier to access the tracks. I waited a long time in front of the small slope, looking around constantly before I walked it down. When I was right in front of the tracks, my legs were a little wobbly, but otherwise I was very dissociated. Everything is so big once you get close. There was a freight train. I don't know if it came while I was still standing at the top or when I was back.

One of my biggest fears is being seen doing my weird suicide exercises or the train person braking unnecessarily, which at this proximity isn't unrealistic.

Even if it becomes the other way, I don't need a hotel. There is so much space nearby, it just has to be at the right time, the right mood, maybe the right weather, so that fewer people are outside. But in the evening, I doubt anyone will be there.

I think it was important to be there today and I'm feeling a little better than before.

 

[Kattt]

Having a drug conviction seriously restricts your travel options
That's never bothered me at all as they're generally not places I've any interest in going to
BUT I just found out I can't move to Japan

 

[Lmd]

Lately all my dreams and thoughts are directed in that I stop being me.

The other day I dreamed that I was playing board games with some friends and suddenly everything went black. I could only see a few small white lines that were disappearing as time passed. Everything went with those lines, the sound, the gravity, the touch of things ... everything went black. Although there was literally nothing, I felt a lot of pressure on me, as if I was loaded with things, but there wasn't even an "I", it wasn't annoying, there was just that feeling and I was there for a while that felt long until I woke up.

Sometimes when I'm on the street I lose my perception of things. I remember one day in the car looking at the blurry horizont due to the heat. I suddenly started to melt in the seat. In that momment I heard and felt everything at the same time. I wasn't focus on anything. I was on everything I could sense. I was the kids having fun in a distant pool, I was the leaf that was moved by the slight wind, the brick that is part of the block and the entire block at the same time.

Yesterday I was on the couch. I was looking at the shinning lights that the water bottle was creating on the wall and I started thinking about optical illusions and how we are limited by our body. How we are designed to feel what our body dictates. There are animals that can see colors that we cannot and colorblind humans, people that are unnable to feel pain, etc. Our emotions are directly affected by our body too and how our brain works and this all end somehow in what freedom means. The I started to melt again, my eyes this time were blurry and everything turned into a palid pink/orange heav y nothingness. It felt like I was under a veil from which I couldn't escape. I say nothingness for say something because it felts the opposite, like the weight of everything is on me and "me" is everything at the same time but I can't distinguish anything and It doesn't matter because giving attributes to things isn't important because there aren't things at all.

I have more examples and they feel as weird trips I make. I don't smoke or take drugs and when I'm back to what I use to feel seems like I'm driving crazy as time passes and this maaaayybee scares me a bit because I self-sabotage myself this month to the extreme in order to CTB in a couple days and if I'm getting saved or I couldn't manage to do it I'm gonna be really fucked up and being actual crazy won't make me any favor.

 

[aviation]

I will be visiting my location for the first time this week, to grow familiar. Interesting feeling. It also feels interesting, and oddly beautiful, to think about how many more groceries I will need to buy, purchasing smaller quantities in order to have nothing rot when I'm gone. I've been waiting for so long to get here, and I couldn't be happier that it's finally time.

 

[SleepDealer]

Reading the "list of suicides" Wikipedia page. The methods that were used back in ancient times are really something else –

"Opened his veins", "hit his head against a big stone", "swallowed burning coal", "fell on a sword", "induced an asp to bite her", "jumped into a volcano", "ordered his slave to kill him", etc.

There's also one from the 1700s where a man severed his penis and bled to death. I can't even imagine how excruciatingly painful that must have been, fucking hell...

Damn, I wish I had a slave to kill me.

I can't imagine the state of mind you'd need to be in for some of these. How does someone swallow burning coal? I once swallowed a leaf and choked on it so horribly and for so long I genuinely thought I was going to die from a leaf. Forget coal.

 

[Seaghost]

gettin pushed into the corner...
If my luck is high enough all theses things will be bygone very soon

 

[stygal]

Someone has been mean to me so in return I am now mean to someone else.
Yeah...that makes sense.

 

[http-410]

It's pointless. Every week I'm at least back to square one.

I feel so incredibly stupid. I'd better not say anything at all.

 

[lastingabyss]

I'm useless. But I don't care.

 

[stygal]

Took the day off to sleep and be angry.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Living with ptsd is horrible. Actually, several years went well, but now ... Memories come to mind constantly, I see everything clearly in my mind and I can't rule things out of my thoughts.

In the morning I was ready to leave, I was completely in pieces and I had several panic attacks. I'm afraid of the evening, I'm afraid of the night. By bedtime, I know I'm going through everything again. I don't understand why I was wanted to break like this.

 

[http-410]

I'm imploding and exploding simultaneously.

 

[aviation]

I belong as little here as anywhere else in this world - so why am I here?
I want to go home. That's all there is. I miss home so much that I feel like I'm being torn apart.

 

[stygal]

How can one actually enjoy roller coasters? Besides the euthanasia-coaster of course.

 

[enau]

I cant think about anything else then ways to go or dying.But its useless.To thinking constantly about it, for now, when i dont have a reliable methods/But since i losp hope and any interest in life, i cant .. do anything else, or have real distraction, or love things.I dont know if i should try to force myself doing things like before.. its very difficult to try to live decently and not increase your pain and die at the same time

 

[iamthewalrus]

would like to vent to someone, but i figured out no one wants to hear my shit and its just gonna bother them anyways.

 

[aviation]

I wish I could talk to people about my home, without them feeling the need to attack me for it, for some reason. I don't understand it. Why should I be punished for where I'm from or for who I am? Why do people feel the need to convince me of their own viewpoints? Why is it so hard for people to listen to each other? People are free to believe me or not believe me, it doesn't affect me, and it's a nice thing to me, to see where people are coming from, what their own views and feelings are - but why do they feel the need to try to convince me of their views, or become patronizing or attacking, or try to make me 'prove' my origin or my memories? What does that even mean? It feels as if people feel threatened by me being me, and then feel the need to attack me or react with hatred, just because of where I'm from or what this means. Why can people not simply accept what they can't understand? Why should I have to justify myself in this world, when I want to go home so badly, and I never asked for being here? Why is it OK to attack me for being from a different world, how is it my 'fault', how am I meant to 'prove' the validity of my memories, when memories are memories? And what would anyone gain from this? I can talk to people, and I pour my feelings into this, and all I get back is "These sounds that are leaving your mouth, sound so different and unusual to what I know, that they must be invalid" - and then they stop and leave. I've never tried to convince anyone of anything, and I take everyone at face value by default, but it seems that this is a unique feature in this world.

 

[aviation]

Trying to apply backwards from behavior onto intention or anything deeper is like having a loaf of bread in front of you and using it to try to understand the process of baking.

 

[http-410]

Right now I'm sitting outside on a hill with my laptop.

It looks like it's about to rain. A swarm of insects has gathered above my head. Crickets are chirping. There's a factory in the distance, and strange noises coming from it.

I tried to call another help line, they recently told me I could call anytime. I can't reach anyone. I can't get help that doesn't exist anyway.

I am desperate, crying all the time since yesterday. Even last night I sat here and cried. Hopefully I'll manage to sleep today without sleeping pills, but I doubt it. I can't get rid of my pain.

I think my yellow t-shirt is attracting the bugs.

No, I don't want both, I want neither.

The first raindrops are falling, I have to close the lid.

 

[deflationary]

Living is all just a bunch of motivated reasoning and it's too hard to figure out anything for certain. That alone is reason enough to ctb. That's what my motivated reasoning tells me, anyway.

 

[WOODESITY]

It's night here, listening to c418, wondering that i am trapped on this planet surrounded by strangers, dangerous creatures called humans, I'm afraid of humans, No worries will leave unless there are no humans to be around, how dangerous? Very dangerous, as dangerous as being afraid to step outside as they start watching, they observe, see, read your behavior, decide, perhaps it's right moment for them to attack, inflict suffering for them to satisfy their desires, Humans are dangerous

 

[Fehler]

Almost 22 hours of fasting for nothing...12 hours in bed trying to make the day go by as quickly as possible, to end up eating at the end...I'm just lying to myself lengthening this.
There will always be some excuse..."and if I find someone" "and if it changes?"
Fantasizing is easier than doing something about it, I guess.

 

[littlelungs]

I just went out to get something from the mailbox and I saw two women standing outside the door and smoking. They were all sorts of conventionally attractive, with the trendiest hair cuts and casual-yet-stylish clothes, slim with curves in all the "right" places, awesome makeup... they just ticked all of the boxes for modern, conventional beauty standards. It's Saturday night so they're probably off to go do something fun in one of the most gorgeous cities in Europe.

And for some reason it made me so fucking sad.

I write this as I'm lying in bed, wearing baggy sweat pants and hoodie with the hood up (I hate fitted clothes on me because I hate my body), hair tied in a sloppy bun because it's too strenuous to brush it every day, unshaved legs, and definitely no makeup... haven't worn it in over 2 years. I haven't looked in the mirror in weeks because my reflection always upsets me. I haven't left the house in months because the strain of just being out in the world destroys my body every time, and it shows. I'm still "recovering" from the last time I had to go out for an unavoidable appointment.

After years of therapy, I realized that my issues with my appearance are largely based on what happened to me when I was younger, and how I was treated whenever I lost a lot of weight in a short period of time as a teenager as part of my eating disorder (fuelled largely by trauma) when I wasn't even overweight to begin with – I thought that I was only ever good for my body, and if my body wasn't good, then I had absolutely no worth. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still feel like that.

I know that there are other things that are far more important than how I look, but I just wish that I were at least somewhat at peace with this meat suit I've been given. I wish I wasn't so sick and all sorts of fucked up so I could just have some sort of joy in my life, even if it's fleeting. I'm fully aware that this sounds pathetic and shallow and I hate myself for it. I'm probably throwing myself a little pity party right now – albeit unintentionally – and I hate that, too.

I just can't help but grieve the life I could have had. Even though the general "normalcy" in society also depresses me because it's all just so tedious, there's still a part of me that feels like I could have done and experienced some great things, between doing activism, making music, helping other people and animals, having friends, making good memories with my loved ones, caring for the sick instead of being the sick, simply enjoying life with the love of my life... and yet all I can do is lie in bed in immeasurable physical and mental pain, and feel like I'm disintegrating with every passing second. This is not living.

Everything just makes me so fucking sad.

 

[AtMostOkay]

I just went out to get something from the mailbox and I saw two women standing outside the door and smoking. They were all sorts of conventionally attractive, with the trendiest hair cuts and casual-yet-stylish clothes, slim with curves in all the "right" places, awesome makeup... they just ticked all of the boxes for modern, conventional beauty standards. It's Saturday night so they're probably off to go do something fun in one of the most gorgeous cities in Europe.

And for some reason it made me so fucking sad.

I write this as I'm lying in bed, wearing baggy sweat pants and hoodie with the hood up (I hate fitted clothes on me because I hate my body), hair tied in a sloppy bun because it's too strenuous to brush it every day, unshaved legs, and definitely no makeup... haven't worn it in over 2 years. I haven't looked in the mirror in weeks because my reflection always upsets me. I haven't left the house in months because the strain of just being out in the world destroys my body every time, and it shows. I'm still "recovering" from the last time I had to go out for an unavoidable appointment.

After years of therapy, I realized that my issues with my appearance are largely based on what happened to me when I was younger, and how I was treated whenever I lost a lot of weight in a short period of time as a teenager as part of my eating disorder (fuelled largely by trauma) when I wasn't even overweight to begin with – I thought that I was only ever good for my body, and if my body wasn't good, then I had absolutely no worth. I'd be lying if I said I didn't still feel like that.

I know that there are other things that are far more important than how I look, but I just wish that I were at least somewhat at peace with this meat suit I've been given. I wish I wasn't so sick and all sorts of fucked up so I could just have some sort of joy in my life, even if it's fleeting. I'm fully aware that this sounds pathetic and shallow and I hate myself for it. I'm probably throwing myself a little pity party right now – albeit unintentionally – and I hate that, too.

I just can't help but grieve the life I could have had. Even though the general "normalcy" in society also depresses me because it's all just so tedious, there's still a part of me that feels like I could have done and experienced some great things, between doing activism, making music, helping other people and animals, having friends, making good memories with my loved ones, caring for the sick instead of being the sick, simply enjoying life with the love of my life... and yet all I can do is lie in bed in immeasurable physical and mental pain, and feel like I'm disintegrating with every passing second. This is not living.

Everything just makes me so fucking sad.

I'm so sorry you are in pain. I see you, hear you, and wish you much peace this evening. You are valid, worthy, enough.

 

[Seaghost]

Few days have passed. I got Imipramin, Ambien, AND Tavor (Ativan) form my doc. On of the few doc visit I'm thankful.
Im the sarcastic hero to myself - didn't touched the Ativan.
I didn't had some pills execpt ambien since 31. March.
The Imipramin collects my crushed mind framework and make it a bit more stick together.
To be a whole human with antidepressants working like glue....uhhh I'm superman....but to be fair...it helps me through the day.

Is it ok to breath some frehs air and no fear?
The search for an calmful death without pain isn't over.

 

[littlelungs]

I'm so sorry you are in pain. I see you, hear you, and wish you much peace this evening. You are valid, worthy, enough.

Thank you so much for your words; they really mean a lot. Right back at you... I mean it.