Random thoughts

[TheDevilsAngel]

As I lay here filled with thoughts and uncertainties I wonder do I deserve the worst and how long more will I be a coward to myself

 

[littlelungs]

Even eating is such a massive struggle. I used to love to cook and try new recipes when I was still somewhat "able" to, and I'm obviously grateful to have any food at all... but now I'm lucky if I can manage to heat up something premade in the microwave. Nothing is even remotely enjoyable anymore. I wish I just didn't have to eat at all.

Guess it's some grapes with beans and corn from the can again.

 

[http-410]

Misery everywhere.

 

[littlelungs]

I wish I didn't still have stuff to take care of, just so that I can go in peace. I'm so sick of everything being so difficult all the time.

I'm so ready for this suffering to finally be over.

 

[hʚll]

after many years of being in this world, i'm still in disbelief that most people think is normal to suffer or that it's something to be proud of or that it somehow makes you special.
i just can't accept it. i won't ever. it makes me angry, sad and SUICIDAL.
i think i post a lot on ss. sorry. i just don't know where to go
if i could drink my sn now, i would. but family is always home, and if i go out, they would call police on me, because they know i'm suicidal.

 

[http-410]

Yesterday, when I went to make myself breakfast, I suddenly became very dizzy/foggy/dissociated, and when I wanted to say something trivial to someone, I realized I couldn't speak, so I panicked slightly. I couldn't string words together or pronounce them, even though I wanted to.

Probably it was just a dissociative thing, even though I haven't experienced anything like that before. Or maybe it was a stroke. Even if it was, I don't care. As long as I don't become a nursing case and can still kill myself if I survive it...

I read that mini strokes are an indication to regular strokes and 10% of people with mini strokes die within the next few weeks. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

 

[hʚll]

idk if i should ruin everyone's summer.

 

[S like suicide]

I feel so alone and trapped:( lost and even unable to kill myself...i hate myself so much...i can't even move from my bed...i just sleep and stand in my dark room all the time breathing...i don't have motivation even for eat or go to the bathroom...why do i exist?i feel so bad and so wrong...i would like to harm myself badly and shut up my fucking mind but i don't have even tha force to do this.I don't want do nothing all day and every days...i live in constant procrastination...i can't do nothing

 

[Amumu]

I'd like to have a shotgun to blow my brains out.
Unfortunately I can't.

 

[littlelungs]

Fuck. I might have sent too many messages at once. She sent me messages, too, so I was responding, but I'm so afraid that it was too much at once.

What if my voice sounded too depressed, or too weak from not talking a whole lot as it is? I'd assume that nobody wants to be friends with someone who even sounds like me. She's successful, intelligent, beautiful and doing exactly what I would have wanted to do in life if I wasn't such a fucked-up failure... and
then here I am, an actual dumpster fire in human form.

She asked me about my illness, but what if I shared too much in response? I can't even delete the messages on the app I used. She might figure out how fucking crazy I actually am and not want to talk to me anymore. No wonder I have barely any friends left. It's probably in their best interest and I did it to myself, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

And my Czech and Slovak "skills" are still so painfully bad, so why the hell did I even attempt to speak those in a voice message in the first place??? She probably won't understand a single word of what I said.

I hate myself so much. I'm severely ill, pathetic, crazy and stupid, and I wish I
could just blow my bullshit brain into oblivion, exactly where it belongs.

 

[Amumu]

I'll take my train in few hours

 

[motel rooms]

And I saw his burning flesh, his bones, his decay.
I ran and I ran, I'm still running away...

 

[western_heart]

Recovery is so fragile.

 

[BlankUser]

I'm a waste. I should have not existed

 

[Meditation guide]

I miss having a cat.

 

[http-410]

Was back at the tracks, frustration drove me there.

A derelict looking man was there. He stood with his bicycle further away, and seemed to be watching the trains.

Whether he also struggles with his life? He left after a while and I was uncomfortable when he passed me. The place is a bit remote.

I feel like crap, so I called the crisis line. I squatted down next to my bicycle. Suddenly it fell on me while I was on the phone and knocked my phone out of my hand, lol. It was hard to understand each other as trains passed. At some point I felt so weird that I had to end the call. Maybe I sat in the sun too long. Maybe it's dissociation. But I'm still... frustrated.

I try not to think about it, but I fail. It is always there. As soon as I lie in bed and close my eyes, frustration engulfs me. Nobody understands me. Everyone waits like vultures. They are waiting for a spectacle.

 

[Symbiote]

I received more public encouragement to kill myself from pro-lifers than I ever did on here. Only way FT26 can stay relevant and the mothers can feed their ego is to have more people suicide.

 

[Meditation guide]

My parents behavior .....

 

[motel rooms]

I'm so glad that we're strangers when we meet

 

[http-410]

Procrastinating, avoiding the inevitable. I don't want to face it, I don't want it.

It feels like I've mostly died a long time ago, and yet I'm still hanging on by a thin thread.

I want to tear it apart... no, I will have to do it.

I watch myself die.

No medicine nor a human being can make me understand what it is worth fighting for.

There is simply nothing.

Not even I am no longer here.

There is only pain and despair.

 

[motel rooms]

Could you stay with me in this blood-red room?

 

[WOODESITY]

This night right now feels lonely, and all the anger in me is still bothering, death sounds very comforting, so comforting that i wait for courage when i can off myself, back to my favorite lovely thread, this random thread is very nice to me, just writing whatever comes on my mind

 

[hʚll]

when relatives ask me what i do or wish to do in my life, i say nothing. they are so triggered. is funny

 

[Seaghost]

Try to look foward either ending my life, love or both of it.
At he moment I'm playing Cyberpunk. It's trivial I know but it distracts me. Sometimes I think the story contains small parts of my life.

 

[motel rooms]

I'm ready for the laughing gas. I'm ready to pretend I'm glad to be alive. I'm ready for the crush. Hey baby, hey baby, shhhh, I'll make us feel so good before we crash...

 

[AtMostOkay]

I can see very well. There's a boat on the reef with a broken back, and I can see it very well.

 

[littlelungs]

I had a dream that you died, and I was left behind. We never even got to say goodbye. I felt lost, and even though I knew that you were dead, I was still trying to find you.

I found myself in houses surrounded by people I didn't know, asking if they'd seen you. I stood on a stage and tried to spot your face in the crowd, trying to talk about how much I missed you, but not being able to get the words out or even do so much as make a single sound. I drank whatever I could get my hands on and looked for you at the bottom of every cup, and I snuck onto rocketships to see if I could find you in the stars. I flew all across Europe, attached to the bottom of a plane in a little contraption, not unlike the seat of a parasail, whilst hooked up to a parachute so that if I ever spotted you, I could jump.

I cried the whole time.

I seemed to be at an altitude of about 30,000 feet or so. It was dark, and all I could see underneath me were little patches of green and purple swirls dancing around, kind of like the northern lights, but on the ground instead of in the sky. I couldn't see you, but something told me to jump. I unhooked myself from the parachute, liberated myself from the straps of the seat I was in and slid off, tilting my body forward and diving headfirst into whatever it was that awaited me below.

Right as I was about to land, I suddenly found myself in a place that was equal parts dark and luminescent, warm and cool, cozy and free. It seemed to go on and on forever in all directions. I didn't know where I was, but I knew that we weren't in our solar system, and it didn't look like what I would have imagined the universe to look like. I tried to extend my arms, but I didn't have any. I no longer had a body or eyes, yet I could still feel and see... and I felt completely at peace, like I was wrapped in a warm hug and filled with a kind of love that I couldn't possibly describe. I've been trying to find the words to describe it, but they simply don't exist. I'm emotional just remembering how it felt to be there, wherever "there" was.

And there you were. I couldn't see you, but I knew that you were there. Wherever we were, we were there together, and we were at peace.

My life has been characterized by pain, turmoil, insecurity and uncertainty. Aside from my name, date of birth, where I was born and objectively what I've been through, there are very few things that I know in my heart to be true:

That you love me,
That I love you, and
That I never want to live without you.

 

[motel rooms]

Nothing's gonna stop me from floating...

 

[WOODESITY]

only things that i like and enjoy lately is music, cigarettes and alcohol, i am trying to stop dwelling too much on others, everyone got their own life, i cannot connect with people anymore, i feel nothing, i interact with people like a robot, reminding myself what to say and what not

music is all that i got
cigarettes are the ones that i got
alcohol is the one that i got
life is something that i don't want

 

[Meditation guide]

who are you?
cold blooded