Random thoughts

[signifying nothing]

I know what's wrong (or I think I know what's wrong), but I'm going to wait before I do anything about it.

 

[http-410]

I'm really wondering if cbt (not ctb) is/was the wrong approach. I can change what I want, my head/brain/mind/perception still remains broken.

 

[http-410]

Sooner or later I'm crossed out and/or end up as a deleted user, an insignificant life of 7.8 billion less. I can't wait for it.

Therapy makes me suicidal.

I think I need to get out. Move. Go for a walk. Even though it probably won't make a difference. I still need to test the scale. Feeling bloated. Will I eat tomorrow?

Like a sponge, I've been absorbing every sensation for some time now, because I know it won't be long before it all stops. Hopefully. It's not that the sight of a sunset or the chirping birds in the tree leaves me indifferent. Even if everything feels unreal, I appreciate life itself. But... it just doesn't matter anymore.

 

[Scribble Fan]

Well, here goes another suicide attempt. I'm kinda nervous to be honest, it's been a while. Hopefully this one succeeds.

Seriously though, committing suicide is hard. I have like 7 failed attempts and I'm pretty sure other people have more.

Seeya on the other side! Or tomorrow. Either one.

 

[Rue89]

I feel so stupid. Why do I overshare? Then I end up regretting it. I'm feeling the need to punish myself. I think I should go to bed now before I end up cutting. Another thing, I hate that I overreact about everything. I know I am, but can't stop. Fuck, I hate myself.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

I am wasting my life. I know I'm wasting my life. I want to not waste my life. Yet, I continue to waste my life. Why can't I have just one minute where I'm not anxious?

 

[http-410]

I feel miserable.

Tonight, I woke up after a nightmare with my heart racing. Afterwards I was lying there and felt like I was being mentally crushed inside. It was unbearable. I went to the GP (also because of other things) and spent the whole time in the waiting room fighting tears. During the conversation with my GP, I burst into tears. I couldn't hold it back any longer. I had to cry almost the whole time. Even when the conversation was over and we said goodbye, I had to cry. And on the way home. I almost feel a little sorry for them because they can't help me either. No, I'm not going to take these crappy pills. I've been persuaded many times to do so and only suffered more. Enough is enough.

Apart from prescribing useless pills, no one knows how to proceed. I'm lost.

When I was at home, I went into the forest on my bike and ate a banana. I don't feel better now.

Isn't it my own fault? It's my choice how long I suffer. I could end everything prematurely, that is, before the end of therapy. I don't know what's stopping me.

 

[Scribble Fan]

Well, I'm still alive. And very disappointed.

At this point I'm afraid I'll never CTB.

 

[KleinerWolf]

Why go back to China when I could easily take my sn and rage quit once and for all.

Why breathe the polluted air, speak a language I never identified with, and be forever alone in China,

whilst I could be working in Paris or Berlin as a line cook?

I'm too good for Asia,
but seemingly not good enough for Europe.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

My dog looks adorable when she pees.

 

[262653]

How do you call a fetish that involves deriving sexual pleasure from complaining about life's problems, on giving or recieving end?

 

[Scribble Fan]

I wish being depressed and sleeping your life away was a respectable hobby.

 

[Sensei]

How wonderful it would have been to just go numb and not care about anything anymore. No more worries, no more anxiety, no more depression, no more need to commit suicide, no nothing.

 

[botanormal]

Anyone else write massive venting posts, where you finally get out all of your bottled up thoughts & emotions, only to finish and see it's like, 1000 words long, so you get too anxious to post it, and just delete it?

I feel like I haven't properly expressed myself when my messages are too small, but then I feel I've said way too much when they're longer, so I just delete most of my posts before sending them. I have this problem with private messages too, although usually I just close my eyes, hit send and hope it isn't too annoying for the other person to receive! I just wish I was able to balance it out a bit better, curse my crappy social skills!

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Anyone else write massive venting posts, where you finally get out all of your bottled up thoughts & emotions, only to finish and see it's like, 1000 words long, so you get too anxious to post it, and just delete it?

I certainly do this all the time, except for the deleting part. I always end up posting those long ass vents anyway.

I actually feel it can be quite comforting to let these kinds of long posts out. Worst case scenario nobody reads or interacts with them which I personally don't expect from anyone at all anyway so it's fine.

Sometimes just the act of letting the vent free into the public space is enough to release it from my mind for a brief moment. I don't know if that works for you but I think people will at the very least be sympathetic to whatever you have to say even if it is long.

 

[stygal]

I found a video of giraffes fighting.
Now I want to be a giraffe.
I aspire to be this weird yet majestic.

 

[botanormal]

I certainly do this all the time, except for the deleting part. I always end up posting those long ass vents anyway.

I actually feel it can be quite comforting to let these kinds of long posts out. Worst case scenario nobody reads or interacts with them which I personally don't expect from anyone at all anyway so it's fine.

Sometimes just the act of letting the vent free into the public space is enough to release it from my mind for a brief moment. I don't know if that works for you but I think people will at the very least be sympathetic to whatever you have to say even if it is long.

Thank you for saying that, it really helps me to hear this from another person! I often feel too embarrassed to post long vents, because they're so focused on my own thoughts & feelings, it feels like I'm talking about myself way too much, and I worry people will get sick of me! But maybe that's just my anxiety talking, so I really appreciate your reply, it helps me put it into perspective. It can relieve a lot of stress to post a vent, I've always thought that whenever I have done in the past too, so I feel the same way you do! Maybe next time I'll just hit post instead of overthinking it too much, so thank you again for this kind response!

 

[Fehler]

I would like to meet more people irl but once I am out I put on my headphones, my glasses and go to my stuff. I purposely go outside in bad weather knowing there will be fewer people outside.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Some guy told me thoughts are faster than the speed of light. This must be the reason why I feel so smart even when I say dumb shit.

 

[signifying nothing]

You go so far... and then find yourself going further.

 

[Callie Arcale]

The finality of my current situation is beginning to sink it. I am afraid.

 

[WOODESITY]

Yesterday i got stuck on something again, it happens very often, but when i can't move on and get past digging past over and over again, as many things are unresolved and many lies involved, finally i though what is the point of worrying if i can't change anything about it, or have little to no power, so thinking that im I'm only born because desires of my parents, that once I'm gone no one will able to hurt me anymore.

More I'm clinging to life and more I'm attached to people and things harder it is to even think about killing myself, its like I've obligation to stick around for other's, and i feel ashamed and guilty for thinking about it sometimes one thing i though recently is that there is no good reason to talk other's in real life about personal, my all close relatives know already that I'm suicidal and i think that's good since they won't be very surprised if they find out i killed myself, I'm hoping that no one finds my body or identifies.

I've cut contact entirely with my family before and it was easier to seriously plan, more attached I'm the harder to let go of things, that's probably why that people with more social ties are less likely to kill themselves, or responsibilities like having a child. person from my country killed himself few years ago and everyone said he got hit by a car, and that's how he died, when i asked why you lying she said that's what their parents wanted ( to cover the truth, save themselves from criticism of others, shame and guilt i guess) which is the way of showing how much they respected person, many don't give a fuck about individuals as long as they're alive, when they kill themselves they're asking bunch of questions and grieving so much, but reasons? Many never are told, humans are master's at lying, honesty is ugly and hard to accept reality sometimes if not often

I think this was me venting, wishing you all best possible things

 

[http-410]

It hurts to see people ctb.

 

[Fehler]

I wasn't having the best morning; I was overwhelmed by the paperwork I had pending for the next 2 days. Banks always giving up the ass and giving more problems...
Suddenly, I receive a call from an unknown number. It was for a job interview, we were talking for a while and in the end I have an interview for tomorrow ... I am not very excited because the last time I went to one there were about 40 people.
I don't know why the hell I started crying at the end of the call, if because of the contrast of the stress from before with the joy of the interview or because I was reminded of how I ended up leaving the last job because I couldn't stand the situation.
How little I like myself.

 

[angelfeather]

Why do I feel like the intrusive thoughts I get in my head are the enemy one minute and my best friend the next who I want to live with forever and never get rid of?!?!? Weird.

 

[BeansOfRequirement]

I can see myself hopping on a unicycle for the first time under these exact conditions:

 

[http-410]

I don't want to die, I really don't. I don't want to exist. I often think about the moments when I was unconscious. At one point, I even think I had an NDE. I just watched a video about euthanasia in Belgium that a user posted and a doctor showed a drug that I've already been injected with once. Anesthesia. One doesn't even notice that one is falling asleep. I wish one didn't have to deal with unpleasant methods.

My head is imploding. How is it possible to think about dying/death/suicide all the time.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Got rejected for a job that would have been pretty neat to get. It was close enough to a dream job for me that I even thought I should reconsider CTB'ing without having to get a gf first. Oh well. Guess it's a sign I should ctb anyway.

Only about a little over a year to go...

 

[WOODESITY]

Maybe if this life wasn't so full of suffering and risks i wouldn't have to kill myself, but what's other way to ensure no one hurts when you're living, I'm not sure how does one enjoy life or get through with little bit of peace, one day strangers assault me, next day roommate abuses, or i go out and some driver hits me car, but once I'm dead no one can affect me anymore, now this really sounds ver very logical conclusion to me, i truly hate the way life is, I've little to no power in this world, I'm just another human being who happened to be born to benefit others, as I've failed literally everything they expect me, now I'm no use to anyone rather than economy, just another obedient slave in this society

 

[Scribble Fan]

I really miss many members of this forum that used to come online ~1.5 years ago, right when I joined. I mean, I knew their departure was bound to happen, this being a website for suicide and all, but I thought I would be dead long before I had to see them go. Instead I failed to CTB and got locked up in a mental hospital all summer. Whoops.