Random thoughts

[GrumpyFrog]

Nothing I do is ever good enough and the only things that used to make me happy are impossible now because I am simply too old for that. What's the point of trying?

I was told to imagine the tragedy of my suicide for the ones left behind. Oh yeah, sure, I can imagine all the people that are going to be upset quite vividly: my mother bitching about hating funerals and everything about it costing her money, my roommate having to accept that loving cats means you'll have to buy them food and clean their litterboxes sometimes, and managers at both of my jobs being at a loss about who can take on my insane workload now. Tragic indeed.

 

[Kassender]

I just learned that a cousin of mine has cancer.

He's got a career, a wife, a second kid on the way.

So i guess 2021 is going to suck too.

I already lost another in 2019.
Those awesome people die, and i'm still fucking here, too cowardly to ctb. I should be the one to disappear, not them ffs.

There is no god.

 

[Nodscene]

I remember being young and in my room was a beautiful picture of a wolf (not the cheesy stuff you normally see but a real piece of art) in a rugged, mountainous landscape. I would sit there staring at the painting for hours on end wishing as hard as I could that I could leave where I was and enter the painting to live in the wild with that wolf. Hoping all the loneliness and suffering would go away.

I even made a truly sincere effort to sell my soul to the devil and I'm not even religious. Go figure.

So how's that for random thoughts haha.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I even made a truly sincere effort to sell my soul to the devil and I'm not even religious. Go figure.

Lmaooo damn. That's great. What you wrote for your post is beautiful and relatable.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

How on earth do I get SN in the UK. Still most of the megathread to read

 

[WornOutLife]

No doctor, no friend, no family member can help me out with my suicidal thoughts and depression but surpinsingly, SS can, YOU can!

Since I'm here, you make my days easier and I really like trying to help you out as much as I can.

Anyway, just wanted to say that.

Hugs and love to all of you.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Why do I always want to drink caffeine the most at 6 am in the morning when I still haven't slept yet?

 

[MrBlue]

I thought I was about to make some progress with my life. It wasn't really acceptable progress given my age, but it was something. But now that progress has stalled/failed, and I just don't see the bloody point of getting up yet again if I'm gonna be kicked back down every time. If my life hasn't dramatically improved by March, I'll call it quits and ctb.

 

[JayDog]

If so many happy or "normal" people die every day, why do I need to wake up every morning?

 

[Going Home]

Roger

 

[Fehler]

I shouldn't be here.

 

[Going Home]

Why should I be the only one?

 

[Intotheflames]

I am being rigid again.

I am disliking myself for not being consistent, for being too emotional.

Life is better, clear cut when it is either or, this or that, black or white. I need to pick one side and stick with it and never look back. For a double minded person is unstable in all ways.

 

[Going Home]

If he doesn't shut the fuck up and leave me alone. I swear.
And I do not have all I need. Who decided that?

 

[http-410]

I imagine myself vomiting violently all over the place with panic and heart palpitations...

SN just sounds like an undignified, shitty way to go tbh. Also, idk if my old antiemetic will work, and I have no access to beta blockers. I don't feel well prepared and I'm too exhausted to care.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

I imagine myself vomiting violently all over the place with panic and heart palpitations...

SN just sounds like an undignified, shitty way to go tbh. Also, idk if my old antiemetic will work, and I have no access to beta blockers. I don't feel well prepared and I'm too exhausted to care.

I'm beginning to get like that, it's why I'm thinking of resorting to sn myself. Can't even find that or antiemetics. Cycling between depression, and anger at people and systems that put us in this position. Wasted energy

 

[WornOutLife]

I hate mayonnaise!

 

[http-410]

I wish it were easier.

Should I lie? Neither one nor the other gets me anywhere. I wonder when the veil will lift and allow me to continue - I can't wait forever. My brain isn't functioning properly. I can no longer think normally, thoughts are tattered, everything is riddled with holes. Things are getting worse. Everything is bad enough, but I'm too numb to do anything. I wonder if this is this mysterious thing called "survival instinct".

I can't fake everything forever... can I? I'm so far away, I don't even know if that's a relief right now. Everything is in chaos. But somewhere there is also tranquility. I wish I had some kind of ejector seat from my brain.

I wish I could go far, far away. Somewhere I no longer exist.

 

[throwaway123]

oh shit I just had a panic attack. Fuaaaark. Damn that was fucking horrible.

 

[http-410]

Everything is gone.

 

[MrBlue]

My maladaptive daydreaming is getting worse. I'm trying too offset it by adding more routine to my day but part of me thinks I should let myself disappear into my daydreams, because I'm becoming increasingly more desperate about my life atm.

 

[KleinerWolf]

does favouring particular dog breeds than others make me racist?
I only like husky, german shepherd, golden retriever and labrador.
Dachshunds and Dalmatians are alright.
The rest can't say I like them a whole lot.

the dog racist.

 

[throwaway123]

Have your ever thought about how little control we have in life?
We think we can decide when we ctb but the truth is life forced us all to do it. Sometimes i think about a way out but the truth is there is no way out. I like to daydream about a better life but at the end of the day it's all just a dream. I've been stuck here for years. nothing has ever changed. Nothing ever will. When i really think about it. This whole planet is one giant mess. People fall into religion and the such to make sense of it but the truth may be that the there is no higher reason.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

The past few days I've done a sort of "test run" to see how people would react around me when I die. I didn't actually really do anything but I made it seem like I was going to soon even though I don't plan to until over a year from now.

It went about as well as I expected, which is to say, not very. Suddenly everyone was walking on eggshells around me trying to make me feel better about my life by letting me walk all over them but while also spouting typical positivity malarkey that barely tries to make me find something meaningful to enjoy in life, and even that it fails to do well.

Predictably, as soon as I make a grand show of how I'm all better and not gonna kill myself right now it's back to meaningless drudgery of people expecting me to be able to do anything. It almost feels hypocritical to me the way people can suddenly threaten to act even nicer around me just to make me want to stay. What they never seem to realize is that kindness toward me is just helping me continue to bring suffering to the world and it disgusts me that they can want to save me while elsewhere they condemn other, less evil people.

Soon it'll all be over for them. No amount of worthless begging will get me to care about this phony sincerity. Why can't they just see that my body only cares about matters of the flesh like some kind of crazed breeding zombie. It's sickening.

 

[throwaway123]

Today i realized that not even my virtual friends are my friends. I have been going trough a lot of clarity recently and among that i have realized that I am closer to CTB than I thought I was. I'm really on edge.

 

[nerve]

It's not looking so good for me

 

[sadgirl2002]

I really have to leave this place. I don't know when or how... but I know it's coming soon.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I hate how I'm allergic to things like carrots, I hate that nobody seems to take it seriously because it's so unusual to them, but most of all I hate how too many restaurants keep adding carrots in their shit to make things "healthier". How the fuck was I supposed to expect a frozen Costco lasagna to have carrots in it what kind of sick monster does that? I don't even mind how they taste but they keep making my throat itchy and even though I had my allergies to carrots and other fruits/vegetables confirmed by a doctor nobody believes me anyway.

 

[http-410]

My GP asked if I was having suicidal thoughts, lol. It surprised me. Seems like my facade is falling apart.

Being abandoned by everyone would make it easier. No more appointments, no obligations, no emotional commitment, a clear path. That would be nice. With every appointment I make, I only hurt myself. It's my own fault for prolonging my misery. Of course, I just could do it without giving a shit, it's not like anything really keeps me except for exhaustion, but idk. Maybe I'm still subconsciously clutching at every straw. I wish I could demolish this last little bastion of naive hope and stupidity. There is only one topic left on my mind. Yet I still wake up every day. What's wrong? Is the exhaustion/dissociation just an excuse? Insomnia, so what? Am I too much of a coward? I wish this parasite would finally consume my brain. Thinking about self destruction is the only thing that feels right.

 

[sadgirl2002]

I miss him... I miss him so much, it hurts so bad. I can't keep living. It hurts to go knowing I'll be leaving him behind but it only hurts so much more to stay.