Random thoughts

[Panna]

Just finished rewatching haibane renmai, a wonderful anime about purgatory, and I keep wondering when my day of flight will finally come. In the show, when these haibanes are finally ready to transcend and move beyond the wall, it just happens, the one to leave simply knows when it's time for them to move on, and so they quietly go into the forest without telling anyone, and transcend in a ray of light leaving behind a feather, and their friends to grieve. I keep wondering when will my day finally come.

 

[Rue89]

Feeling impulsive. I just want to be gone.

 

[Disappointered]

I think someone had put up a thread about feeling good about eventually ctbing. I totally agree. I don't have any real desire left to go back to the regular world. I feel more at home among suicidal people and the anticipation of finally dying is actually uplifting for me.

 

[http-410]

Why.

I just can't.

 

[Rue89]

Wondering whether my "suicidal thoughts" when I was a child were really serious.

I was terrified of lit candles in the house, mainly because I was scared that a fire would start and all my toys and stuff would be destroyed. But there were moments when I'd look at a lit candle and imagine knocking it over, and burning the house down and dying in the fire.

I did have a wild imagination as a kid; so much so that my parents thought that I actually believed Harry Potter was real for example (I never did). I always thought that the thoughts were just my wild imagination. Now I wonder if it was a hint at what was to come.

 

[_Kaira_]

I feel elated that I have a second chance at life. I'm still afraid I will lose this opportunity at a chance of feeling truly alive. But I have been given a little hope, and I will try my hardest to at least take my right to happiness. I still fear even then my feelings of depression will creep back to take over my life. I'm not religious, but I pray I won't be rejected for this job.

 

[Wraith]

In the end, one's life is measured by those we've changed.

 

[Deleted member 23374]

If i do have a soul, can i anchor it here in death ? Not like Voldermort though, fuck that guy.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

You like to play with fire so much, my friends...
I wish I could become your guardian angel when I die. You sure could use one. I know, I know, me being an angel is a ridiculous concept, but still...

 

[ecmnesia]

"if you get anxious when you drive, you can't take the car, or you risk killing people" phrase said today by my driving instructor during a practical test.
I can't even get a driver's license, I want to stop this fucking car nightmare, I've been fighting for a driver's license for years.
that's enough, I don't want to drive anymore, I'll die on foot.

i feel this.

on the other hand it was not even a choice of mine to get a driver's license, my family are just forcing me to do it and it makes things worse.

my instructor yelled at me yesterday, and was clearly out of patience because of the mistakes I kept making, tho it's only my 3th lesson. it was horrible. but at least I was able to feel something for the first time in weeks, I got so emotional I could not stop crying... stuck in between apathy and extremely emotional reactions.

I don't think I will come back there...

 

[antigone_iris]

on the other hand it was not even a choice of mine to get a driver's license, my family are just forcing me to do it and it makes things worse.

I know that feeling. My family basically kept pushing the idea of getting my driver's license on me until I finally got it. My driving teacher was such a cool guy, but he was a bit tough. I came home crying a few times, but I got my license in the end.

 

[Going Home]

When they paint you with lies then want you to change. WTF!!!

 

[MichaelNomad123]

It sure is quiet around here.

 

[ecmnesia]

I know that feeling. My family basically kept pushing the idea of getting my driver's license on me until I finally got it. My driving teacher was such a cool guy, but he was a bit tough. I came home crying a few times, but I got my license in the end.

happy for you, really.

do you think it was worth it?

 

[antigone_iris]

happy for you, really.

do you think it was worth it?

Thank you! Uh, yes and no. Once I overcome anxiety, I love driving. I just don't have my own car yet, and my dad's car is pretty boxy and unpleasant to drive. Driving is a nice experience for me, it feels liberating to drive on country roads, at a moderate speed, listening to nice music. I need a bit of practice, I've become a bit rusty

 

[Going Home]

Fuck you bitch!!!!!

 

[woxihuanni]

My husband has sunk so low that he needs a telescope to see the worst people in prison.

 

[Going Home]

When I express how low I feel and Sonja snickers in my ear and Tanya says, " Do your thing." Subhuman people!

 

[Panna]

my instructor yelled at me yesterday, and was clearly out of patience because of the mistakes I kept making, tho it's only my 3th lesson. it was horrible. but at least I was able to feel something for the first time in weeks, I got so emotional I could not stop crying... stuck in between apathy and extremely emotional reactions.

I wouldn't, that's inexcusable. Getting angry at a person whose nervous and is having trouble doing something only asks for them to make more mistakes. I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

[waived]

Sometimes the lines are blurred as to whether or not other people's deliberate behavior exists, negative or not, entirely because of me, and despite my genuine effort to exist elsewhere as my own. If only I were a crueler person I would have them live forever as my hobby and side hustle.

 

[http-410]

Sitting around and crying in the dark straight after waking up.

I think I have reached rock bottom again.

It's simply unbearable. When I actually feel something, it feels like being eaten alive.
I'm suffocating. My sleeping pills are getting fewer. I can't take it anymore. I'm done.

I think before I finish everything I'll try to go to the doctor, at least for my insomnia. Even if I no longer have any hopes especially because they don't know how to help me either except describing shit that makes even more numb and fat because nobody knows about dissociative disorders.

At least I have the option to buy things now. I cannot wait too long this time.

How long is it supposed to continue like this? I just can't.

Sometimes I wonder if all this crap is hormonal.

My brain is a mess.

 

[http-410]

I am so close.

I think it's possible to prepare rationally. But I believe when the time comes, I will act less rationally.

Please shred me into a hundred pieces, like my mind already is, please let me wake up.

 

[Going Home]

They are being told to break me down even further! I don't want to be in this!

 

[http-410]

When the server was down a few minutes ago, I again realized this is the only place where I can vent (+without having to worry about being locked up).

 

[Deleted member 23374]

I have a habit of physically "dissappearing" and "reappearing". My family from time to time yell at me for it. It makes them uncomfortable. In my own perception I'm just walking away or toward with nothing appearing to be amiss ? screwy ?
Sometimes i wonder.
--------------------------------
With regard to any question, i wonder how many beings throughout the cosmos have arrived at a similar conclusion.

 

[Silenos]

Schadenfreude is fucking delicious.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

I can't sleep.

 

[Rue89]

I apparently don't know how to express myself right. I'm so stupid. I always say the wrong things, here, irl, everywhere.

 

[thatguyakira123]

So my uncle (the same one in this post: Click Here) and his wife came today again. They're here now. They are hanging out with my Mom and her friends and my abusive brother. I'm still not talking to them, but when they came my mom wasn't home and she forgot her phone home so ofcourse I had to tell the asshat that she wasn't here.

Then, just now, I went to wash some of my clothes. Had to do them by hand. So the sink where I washing them is close to where they're hanging out and my Uncle said the most stupidest thing ever. And I know he was indirectly talking to me. He was saying "People who hold grudge also hate god becuase god is in everyone. Look at a dog, they teach you the right thing. YOU CAN KICK THEM AWAY and they'll come back by your hand". He was basically saying you should'nt be angry at an abuser after they abused you.

For fuck sakes, let's analize his nonsene:

1) There are conseqences to abusing people. Even if you're family you should still be held accountable.

2) There is no God, and clearly they themselves don't believe that shit about god being in everyone. By their logic everytime they abuse people, they're abusing their percious Gawd.

3) Dogs are loyal and loving creatures becuase they don't know better. If they did, allot of humans wouldn't get away with abusing them. There is a reason why there are so many orgizations dedicated to dealing and getting rid of animal abuse.

4) People have a right to defend themselves. Abusers being held accountable is not the victim holding a grudge against you. It's literally cutting you out of their lives so that they won't get burned again. In my case it's literally to protect my mental health.

And ofcourse my brother agrees with him. Every time my borther abused me in the past he would try to feed the lie of not taking it seriously. But there is a difference between people saying things (which you should never take seriously no matter what) and abusing people.

I just don't get abusers, why do they have this victim complex? Are their egos so high that they believe the lies they tell themselves?

 

[woxihuanni]

So my uncle (the same one in this post: Click Here) and his wife came today again. They're here now. They are hanging out with my Mom and her friends and my abusive brother. I'm still not talking to them, but when they came my mom wasn't home and she forgot her phone home so ofcourse I had to tell the asshat that she wasn't here.

Then, just now, I went to wash some of my clothes. Had to do them by hand. So the sink where I washing them is close to where they're hanging out and my Uncle said the most stupidest thing ever. And I know he was indirectly talking to me. He was saying "People who hold grudge also hate god becuase god is in everyone. Look at a dog, they teach you the right thing. YOU CAN KICK THEM AWAY and they'll come back by your hand". He was basically saying you should'nt be angry at an abuser after they abused you.

For fuck sakes, let's analize his nonsene:

1) There are conseqences to abusing people. Even if you're family you should still be held accountable.

2) There is no God, and clearly they themselves don't believe that shit about god being in everyone. By their logic everytime they abuse people, they're abusing their percious Gawd.

3) Dogs are loyal and loving creatures becuase they don't know better. If they did, allot of humans wouldn't get away with abusing them. There is a reason why there are so many orgizations dedicated to dealing and getting rid of animal abuse.

4) People have a right to defend themselves. Abusers being held accountable is not the victim holding a grudge against you. It's literally cutting you out of their lives so that they won't get burned again. In my case it's literally to protect my mental health.

And ofcourse my brother agrees with him. Every time my borther abused me in the past he would try to feed the lie of not taking it seriously. But there is a difference between people saying things (which you should never take seriously no matter what) and abusing people.

I just don't get abusers, why do they have this victim complex? Are their egos so high that they believe the lies they tell themselves?

Well, if it is things like rape, I am always extremely grateful. My husband taught me to be grateful and show respect to anybody who would stoop so low as to use my meat. He has trained me until I learnt that however hard I work, I can NEVER pay my debt to a man who makes use of my meat.