Venting PTSD and desperation

[deletedaccount30982]

I'm so so so desperate to die. I can't do this anymore. I don't want a slow suicide but it's all I can muster up to courage for. Funny how that works considering slow suicides are arguably significantly worse than a fast one. I wish I'd died with partial at 13 and never had to live through all of the trauma that came with it. Or drowning/hypothermia. Or SN. If it wasn't for the trauma from surviving those I would be able to do it. I'm caught in this awful limbo of being unbelievably desperate to get out of here and too scared to do anything fast a reliable. I feel so sick right now from everything I'm doing to slowly kill my self and I don't even get the luxury of a time frame on it. Sepsis could set in and I could be gone in 12 hours or I could die slowly over months from kidney failure from NSAID overdosing. Electrolyte abnormalities from dehydration and laxative abuse could send me into cardiac arrest at any moment or I could slowly wither away from starvation. I'm in the worst possible fucking limbo. I've even started looking into rat poisoning because I'm too god damned scared to rig up a rope and hang myself even though I have all the necessary means. I could get in my car right now and drive to a secluded area and go 120 into a tree but my brain would rather keep taking more pain killers to aggravate this GI bleed. I fucking hate this trauma.