psychedelics and death

[NaturalBornNEET]

last night I did 6g of shrooms

I didn't realise shrooms could be so visual. I always had the idea in my head that it was just seeing slight patterns on things, breathing, warping, tracers, etc. As the trip began I decided to do something I was warned against, which was to look at my own face in the mirror, and it was the best decision I have ever made in my life.

What I saw was ugly, ugly, just so ugly. When I first appeared in the mirror my face looked strange and malevolent, gave off the vibe of reptilian humans conspiracy nuts talk about. Then very quickly it started to warp into this extreme asymmetry and take on deathly colours (which curiously is the complete opposite to how my face looked on a sub-breakthrough dose of dmt, which made my face extremely symmetrical and take on vibrant hues like purple and blue).

I then started to rapidly age within seconds and then I turned into a rotting corpse, I blinked and my face reset before again quickly morphing into some other Grotesque form, this time my face started to balloon into multiple tumors and then insect anatony started to erupt, becoming more and more alien and abstract, then I blinked again and my face reset and then the unfolding of eldritch horrors began again, resetting with every blink and strating over again. This went on hundreds of times each time taking on a new grotesque, ugly, comical, alien, abstract configuration.

The longer I was able to maintain the "hallucination" without resetting it by blinking the more abstract it would get, it would get so abstract that my face would unfold out into and merge with the environment.

Then the peak happened, I was able to hold my eyes steady for long enough for my face to completely glitch out with abstraction, and then this quickly spread to all my senses and I was quickly overtaken with ig the "ineffable". It felt like I was entering a white screen of death of reality, material reality was crumbling and I was almost free and then I quickly snapped back.

This is the point where the magic began, genuinely, I think I can call the state I was in a spiritual enlightenment. Everything, I just loved everything. Everything spoke to my soul, I felt like i was in perfect synchronicity with everything that was unfolding in consciousness. I felt this atavistic force and childlike wonder all throughout everything. Everything I saw was true, everything I saw was truth, I couldn't escape truth. Everything was love, I realised death is love. Death is love. Death is love. My death is love! I genuinely felt I had transcended suffering, so much so I wanted to go out and purposefully inflict intense physical or emotional pain on myself to see how consciousness would react.

It was ecstacy. "I" realised nonduality. "I" realised I'm creating everything within consciousness, that I'm fully responsible for everything and that everything is a manifestation of "my" will. That all my life I've been offloading authority and responsibility to things "outside" of myself. I felt a deep love and tenderness for my human form.

Psychedelics don't lie, humans lie. All the self hate I've carried my life, this self hate that is the reason I'm on this forum in the first place, shrooms validated that, it showed me the truth, that I'm an ugly, disgusting, selfish lump of flesh that will die. It taught me to love myself, not necessarily the human (though that is love too, even if ugly), but my true self.

I didn't want to leave. I wondered if this state of enlightenment would last forever.

But it didn't

It wore off slowly

Then I slept and woke up the next day and now im here

I'm not too sure how I should go forward from here, shrooms showed me what's possible and I know what I have to do to get back to that state of consciousness (not more drugs lol), but it's gonna take a lot of discipline. Discipline I've never had and I'm not sure I'll ever have

But yknow a lot of my fear around physical death has dissipated now, genuinely I don't even believe it's a thing anymore.

Guess something people can take away from this ramble is psychedelics could be a way to lower SI, but it could also do the opposite, it's as subjective as drugs can get in the end.

 

[jpeq]

It was ecstacy. "I" realised nonduality. "I" realised I'm creating everything within consciousness, that I'm fully responsible for everything and that everything is a manifestation of "my" will. That all my life I've been offloading authority and responsibility to things "outside" of myself. I felt a deep love and tenderness for my human form.

Love that line. I personally haven't done shrooms, (it's on my list of things to try lol) but I reached a similar conclusion coming out of a OD induced mental breakdown and kind of live by it now. Reality is shaped by how we perceive things and what we perceive and outside of that nothing else really exists, in a sense. Nothing is impossible, nothing is out of reach, you alone are in control of yourself and your reality. And while of course some things may be beyond your direct control, there will rarely ever be a situation in which there's only one option, or only one door to go through. I try to treasure and make the most of the short time that we're given because of it, even if I eventually cut it short.

 

[RadiantNumber]

I took acid and shrooms many time, it helped me to understand everything

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I took acid and shrooms many time, it helped me to understand everything

No it didn't. People need to realize that psychedelics don't give you the answer to anything. All they do is change the way how you think and perceive the world around you. Any conclusions you come to while tripping will be fully based your knowledge, past experiences, biases, and so on. I've seen a lot of people come to incredibly wacky and dumb conclusions before, ones that are poorly thought out and that don't hold very well to scrutiny. Psychedelics don't help you understand shit. They are just drugs.

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

They are just drugs.

Arbitrary category. You could also see it as a fungus, a food, a molecule. I could categorise anything I want as a drug: romance, junk food, information, trauma.

From the materialist paradigm it's just molecules doing stuff to your brain, but your entire brain is just molecules doing stuff. Why do you believe the configuration of brain molucules you were born with, the configuration you have right now (that's always changing btw) is the correct one to discern the truth? Why can't it be just as liable to fooling itself as a brain configuration tripping on drugs?

Also "psychedelics don't give you the answer to anything", is absolutist and silly, you could've said they don't give you the answer to everything and thatd be believable, but ANYTHING? Just that absolute itself shows you're coming at this from a complete black and white dichotomy

Any conclusions you come to while tripping will be fully based your knowledge, past experiences, biases, and so on.

True, I became hyper aware that I'm actually completely trapped in my own mind and that's all that can be known. And you're right that what psychedelics show you will almost always be misinterpreted and even weaponised, and I'm just as susceptible than anyone else, the best mental space to come at this from is to know how much the mind deceives and to always look out for ways it's doing so


I did get a bit emotional too when writing out that post, tbh I've completely descended from that state of consciousness so it's hard to really feel what I felt then

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Arbitrary category. You could also see it as a fungus, a food, a molecule. I could categorise anything I want as a drug: romance, junk food, information, trauma.

From the materialist paradigm it's just molecules doing stuff to your brain, but your entire brain is just molecules doing stuff. Why do you believe the configuration of brain molucules you were born with, the configuration you have right now (that's always changing btw) is the correct one to discern the truth? Why can't it be just as liable to fooling itself as a brain configuration tripping on drugs?

Also "psychedelics don't give you the answer to anything", is absolutist and silly, you could've said they don't give you the answer to everything and thatd be believable, but ANYTHING? Just that absolute itself shows you're coming at this from a complete black and white dichotomy

No, you can't. A drug refers to a substance, besides food (and any sort of nutrient), that produces biological effects on the body. Information, trauma, and romance are not substances and junk food is food. They cannot be classified as drugs.

Your entire post seems to just be you spouting a bunch of random jargon rather than actually addressing any of the points I made directly. Saying that psychedelics don't give you answers is also not an example of a complete black and white dichotomy. Do you even understand what that even means, or are you just busy throwing around a bunch of terms you found from baby's first dictionary, lol?

 

[ylenol]

From the materialist paradigm it's just molecules doing stuff to your brain, but your entire brain is just molecules doing stuff. Why do you believe the configuration of brain molucules you were born with, the configuration you have right now (that's always changing btw) is the correct one to discern the truth? Why can't it be just as liable to fooling itself as a brain configuration tripping on drugs?

Don't mind this one, anchored so deep in the 2D plane, they're unable to grasp even the simplest figurative meaning of the word drug. They're unable to perceive anything beyond materiality, enslaved by their senses. As they themselves said, drugs can alter your ability to perceive and understand, new perspectives bring answers and expand your scope.

Your entire post seems to just be you spouting a bunch of random jargon rather than actually addressing any of the points I made directly. Saying that psychedelics don't give you answers is also not an example of a complete black and white dichotomy. Do you even understand what that even means, or are you just busy throwing around a bunch of terms you found from baby's first dictionary, lol?

You're clearly looking for a fight, no need to patronize them.

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

No, you can't. A drug refers to a substance, besides food (and any sort of nutrient), that produces biological effects on the body. Information, trauma, and romance are not substances and junk food is food. They cannot be classified as drugs.

Food, information, trauma, romance, etc. literally do produce biological effects. Food can make you fat, trauma, especially childhood trauma, rewires the brain and can reduce the volume of different brain areas. Ideas and philosophies can affect you biologically, a hard-core monk could starve himself to death for the sake of his ideas, that's a physical change to the body right there. And romance too, ever heard of oxytocin?

Your entire post seems to just be you spouting a bunch of random jargon rather than actually addressing any of the points I made directly. Saying that psychedelics don't give you answers is also not an example of a complete black and white dichotomy. Do you even understand what that even means, or are you just busy throwing around a bunch of terms you found from baby's first dictionary, lol?

Dichotomy = division or contrast between two things that are or are represented as being opposed or entirely different.

"Psychedelics don't give you the answer to anything"

Vs

"Psychedelics give you the answer to everything"



Though me calling it "black and white" was redundant

 

[divinemistress87]

Thats beautiful thank you for sharing . I hope to try shrooms with a therapist guiding me through one of these days

 

[Saponification]

last night I did 6g of shrooms

I didn't realise shrooms could be so visual. I always had the idea in my head that it was just seeing slight patterns on things, breathing, warping, tracers, etc. As the trip began I decided to do something I was warned against, which was to look at my own face in the mirror, and it was the best decision I have ever made in my life.

What I saw was ugly, ugly, just so ugly. When I first appeared in the mirror my face looked strange and malevolent, gave off the vibe of reptilian humans conspiracy nuts talk about. Then very quickly it started to warp into this extreme asymmetry and take on deathly colours (which curiously is the complete opposite to how my face looked on a sub-breakthrough dose of dmt, which made my face extremely symmetrical and take on vibrant hues like purple and blue).

I then started to rapidly age within seconds and then I turned into a rotting corpse, I blinked and my face reset before again quickly morphing into some other Grotesque form, this time my face started to balloon into multiple tumors and then insect anatony started to erupt, becoming more and more alien and abstract, then I blinked again and my face reset and then the unfolding of eldritch horrors began again, resetting with every blink and strating over again. This went on hundreds of times each time taking on a new grotesque, ugly, comical, alien, abstract configuration.

The longer I was able to maintain the "hallucination" without resetting it by blinking the more abstract it would get, it would get so abstract that my face would unfold out into and merge with the environment.

Then the peak happened, I was able to hold my eyes steady for long enough for my face to completely glitch out with abstraction, and then this quickly spread to all my senses and I was quickly overtaken with ig the "ineffable". It felt like I was entering a white screen of death of reality, material reality was crumbling and I was almost free and then I quickly snapped back.

This is the point where the magic began, genuinely, I think I can call the state I was in a spiritual enlightenment. Everything, I just loved everything. Everything spoke to my soul, I felt like i was in perfect synchronicity with everything that was unfolding in consciousness. I felt this atavistic force and childlike wonder all throughout everything. Everything I saw was true, everything I saw was truth, I couldn't escape truth. Everything was love, I realised death is love. Death is love. Death is love. My death is love! I genuinely felt I had transcended suffering, so much so I wanted to go out and purposefully inflict intense physical or emotional pain on myself to see how consciousness would react.

It was ecstacy. "I" realised nonduality. "I" realised I'm creating everything within consciousness, that I'm fully responsible for everything and that everything is a manifestation of "my" will. That all my life I've been offloading authority and responsibility to things "outside" of myself. I felt a deep love and tenderness for my human form.

Psychedelics don't lie, humans lie. All the self hate I've carried my life, this self hate that is the reason I'm on this forum in the first place, shrooms validated that, it showed me the truth, that I'm an ugly, disgusting, selfish lump of flesh that will die. It taught me to love myself, not necessarily the human (though that is love too, even if ugly), but my true self.

I didn't want to leave. I wondered if this state of enlightenment would last forever.

But it didn't

It wore off slowly

Then I slept and woke up the next day and now im here

I'm not too sure how I should go forward from here, shrooms showed me what's possible and I know what I have to do to get back to that state of consciousness (not more drugs lol), but it's gonna take a lot of discipline. Discipline I've never had and I'm not sure I'll ever have

But yknow a lot of my fear around physical death has dissipated now, genuinely I don't even believe it's a thing anymore.

Guess something people can take away from this ramble is psychedelics could be a way to lower SI, but it could also do the opposite, it's as subjective as drugs can get in the end.

Well that sounds pretty awesome. Doing psychedelics is probably number one on the list of things I'd do before dying.

 

[katara]

Thats beautiful thank you for sharing . I hope to try shrooms with a therapist guiding me through one of these days

Ya be careful tho so many people get genuine psychosis or schizophrenia from it. Even from dmt there was a YouTuber who did that and thought he was god for a while.

 

[Octo]

My two cents: psychedelics can be the most magical thing you'll ever experience in this life, but potentially also the most horrible too, leaving you changed for the rest of your life.

I don't know how to explain what psychedelics are like; it's like trying to explain a sixth sense to someone. Smaller doses are easier to explain: shifting shapes and colors, weird auditory hallucinations, getting stuck in thought loops, etc. If you've ever seen a piece of art or heard music from the 70's, you'll suddenly "get it".

But larger doses are not to be done trivially. I fucked around and found out five years ago, after getting bored with a "normal" dose, so I took way more than I ever had. What I experienced was indescribable, magical, and was also the most horrifying experience I'd ever had. It messed with my sense of reality permanently and I'll never be the same.

In short: live life, try cool shit (psychedelics). But be careful. Trip with someone more experienced, and be mindful of where you're doing it and the circumstances. Have a good set and setting.

 

[NaturalBornNEET]

My two cents: psychedelics can be the most magical thing you'll ever experience in this life, but potentially also the most horrible too, leaving you changed for the rest of your life.

I don't know how to explain what psychedelics are like; it's like trying to explain a sixth sense to someone. Smaller doses are easier to explain: shifting shapes and colors, weird auditory hallucinations, getting stuck in thought loops, etc. If you've ever seen a piece of art or heard music from the 70's, you'll suddenly "get it".

But larger doses are not to be done trivially. I fucked around and found out five years ago, after getting bored with a "normal" dose, so I took way more than I ever had. What I experienced was indescribable, magical, and was also the most horrifying experience I'd ever had. It messed with my sense of reality permanently and I'll never be the same.

In short: live life, try cool shit (psychedelics). But be careful. Trip with someone more experienced, and be mindful of where you're doing it and the circumstances. Have a good set and setting.

Do you think you could try to put it into words anyway, even if you feel words can't do it justice or capture the actual feeling at all?

I've found just researching autistically into the subjective effects of the drugs and others' experiences has helped me better understand some of the phenomena I've undergone, although maybe all my preconceived notions of what psychedelics should be like coloured the ways I've interpreted my own trips.

LSD trip report incoming

I did LSD for the first time a few days ago, 400ug. The visuals were insane, more so than my heroic shroom trip, which I didn't expect cuz I heard from a lot of places LSD is less visual, it really just seems to be a matter of dose. The biggest visual difference from shrooms is it was way more colorful and kaleidoscopic, I got all the same visuals as I did on shrooms (including the constant morphing my face would do in the mirror) plus totally new visuals.

The craziest visual was probably one of the first ones I noticed, neon colours started seeping through the corners of my walls, then I stared at my hand on the keyboard, it morphed into a tree trunk and then started to become translucent to completely transparent to the point I could see the keyboard behind it. This transparency effect even happened to my face when looking at it in the mirror.

Actually no the craziest visual had to be after I was done staring at my face, I started to look at my chest in the mirror, kaleidoscopic geometry started to grow on my skin all over, encompassing every visible color on the electromagnetic spectrum, this was so insane I couldn't stop gasping and scoffing and tearing up, utterly flabbergasted.

The open eyed visuals have been so insane for me so far I've forgotten to close my eyes, I should actually just dedicate a whole session to lying on my bed with an eye mask on, would probably be more therapeutic too.

I understand what magic is now, which is of course: everything, as cliché as it sounds. Even without tripping on psychedelics it's so easy to see, especially us as humans, language is complete magic, the fact you can look through a sheaf of papers with arbitrary scribbles on it and conjure up entire mythoi. The fact our entire civilization is built upon verbal incantations. But tripping, you see the magic imbued in everything, the intelligence, the life. It's like flipping on a switch for synchronicity (seems like the apt word), or I just realize the synchronicity of everything, everything that appears in my awareness that moment it completely perfect, completely apt, I start to question if it's being placed their by God, or my higher self, it's just so intelligently designed, cause and effect start to disappear, they don't make any sense here.

All my bad compulsions disappeared, same with shrooms, fatty processed foods were completely offputting. I left my house 7 hours into the trip at 6am, the air smelt of melons and fructose. I was just so aware of the entire ecosystem, all the systems and how they interact with other systems, happenings happened with so much more frequency. A cat started to follow me along this country lane to the point I started to wonder if they would follow me indefinitely, then I started to wonder if they were following me or if I was following them, that was fucky lol. My mind started following this intuitive thread of understanding just how much me and the cat have shaped each other evolutionarily to the point that we're inextricably linked. I felt like a disney princess I just wanted to break out in sing song lol.

The best revelation I've had from psychedelics is glimpses into my true nature, and realizing what I'm not: a human. Or, a better way to put it, I'm pretending to be a thing called a human, but it's such a fragile construction, a complete house of cards. I am everything I experience, drawing a line and deciding this side is me and that side is not me is completely arbitrary, though it's not possible for me to feel this in my everyday state, not yet at least.

Something interesting is what's most affected by the "hallucinations", if I had to rank from most to least it'd be:

1. my own face
2. the face of others
3. depictions of human faces (art, cartoons, etc.)
4. other organisms
5. nature (grass, the sea, trees, etc.)
6. inanimate objects

Why is it that what I ascribe the most personal meaning to is that which melts away the fastest, warps the weirdest, outright disappears? To brush them off as just "hallucinations" which so many people do is a tragedy. I personally don't think hallucinations exist, what the establishment calls "hallucinations" are undeniably being experienced , just because they're abnormal, transient, appear to be inconsistent with consensus reality and also appear not to be experienced by others doesn't make them "not real", "not real" is such simple minded and self absorbed notion you only need to contemplate it for a bit for it to completely collapse. Albeit the only part I'm still confused about is the "not being experienced by other people" part of hallucinations, which I admit is much more abstruse, unless we were to get into solipsism which is a whole other can of worms.

The mind is magic. All the apprehension, fear and skepticism around psychedelics is warranted, it shows an intuitive respect for the power of your own mind and reality.

 

[Octo]

Do you think you could try to put it into words anyway, even if you feel words can't do it justice or capture the actual feeling at all?

I don't know how to talk about it without sounding like a crazy person. If I went back in time and told the version of myself that had tried psychedelics, but hadn't done a "heroic" dose yet, old me would've thought current me was crazy. "Of course you experienced weird shit; you were on drugs."

But those "crazy" experiences felt way more real than anything I've experienced in this life. It partially contributes as to why it was so terrifying.

That said, it doesn't matter if anyone here thinks I'm crazy. This is forum is anonymous and about suicide for fuck's sake lmao

So, preamble aside—

The shortest way I could describe would be as "waking up". I try not to describe it as a simulation, because people just think of the matrix. We're not bodies in pods living a simulated reality. A shared dream would probably a better description. What I woke up to was just a weird, shared web of consciousness. The universe, everything, is just shared awareness. If you've ever heard the phrase that the universe is just dreaming to experience itself, it's something like that.

But that doesn't mean that there's a "base" reality and a "dream" reality. Everything is quite real (I think), but also not real at all. We experience pain, sorrow, joy, and a wide sweep of experiences. That's real. But I think this reality is moreso being the observer of the body you inhabit. Your actions, memories, and thoughts are not yours, but rather what your sliver of consciousness has been given to observe. The "higher" up you go (the more connected you are to the connected consciousness that is everything) the more you see things as they are. We are the universe fracturing itself and forcing itself to exist in this reality so that it can experience something. Why? Idk. Because if it's not experiencing something then there is nothing?

Part of what makes it difficult to explain is everything I've forgotten. As the trip begins to end and I start to become lucid and present in my body again, it feels like I'm forced to forget everything I learned and saw. So all I have left is a bunch of mostly incoherent ramblings. I want to bring back and share what I saw, but I can't. The only way people can know is to go and see it for themselves. And I don't know if I can recommend that; living with this cursed and incomplete knowledge that nothing is real and that suffering is pointless has eaten away at my well-being more than anything else, probably. The only way I've stayed sane the last five years has been to simply ignore the thoughts and memories that demand attention.

If you could know the truth behind reality, but that said knowledge would drive you to madness, would still peek behind the curtain?

 

[Pale_Rider]

I did shrooms once. Acid maybe 5 times? Shrooms are way better.

 

[Nightfoot]

Psychedelics change your perception, not whatever you are perceiving. The grass, sea and other objects may look like different, but all the changes are internal.

 

[Octo]

Psychedelics change your perception, not whatever you are perceiving.

I agree. The crazy shit was ultimately just warping what I was looking at, not actually changing or adding anything. On a regular dose, it's relatively mundane: just waves and patterns. I didn't experience crazy shit until I took doses so large you'd have to be an idiot to do them (I was). And even then, what I experienced more internal than the world around me.

 

[telekon]

I'm not too sure how I should go forward from here, shrooms showed me what's possible and I know what I have to do to get back to that state of consciousness (not more drugs lol), but it's gonna take a lot of discipline. Discipline I've never had and I'm not sure I'll ever have

But yknow a lot of my fear around physical death has dissipated now, genuinely I don't even believe it's a thing anymore.

I did around the same amount last night and share a lot of the same experiences. This whole statement about shrooms teaching discipline is so real, like for me it became a whole lesson on love and discipline. It depends what shrooms you're doing and how much you do or who you are, but it can happen.

It gave me a wake-up call on the joys of life and it helped access parts of myself that I haven't been able to access in a long time. I don't feel the same level of enlightenment as I did on the shrooms, but I do feel happier. Like actually smiling for real for the first time in months. I'm wondering if I could cure my depression now, or if it's already cured.

While I was on it, I felt possessed by my higher self and he was teaching me that suicide would be a ridiculously sad ending to my story and that life can be beautiful... it was kind of weird because he (i can only describe it as another person even though i was talking to my self) was saying that "our world" (as in his world/higher being world) was beautiful and I was getting to experience "their" world. He laughed and said just enjoy the feeling, and then you can go back to whatever it is what you do with your days, but for these moments I got to experience what it would be like to be a higher being. And I realized that I can be that higher being my sober life, I just need to have discipline. It was showing me the best version of myself and it gave me something to strive for.

I'd done them before and never believed that it could be used to cure mental disorders like depression but I think if you do it with therapeutic intent, they can.

 

[Sadbanana]

For me it did complete opposite. Or at least it made my fear of death come out. I realized I'm scared of non existance, it was a fear I didn't even realize I had, because before that trip I really didn't care whether I live or die. But I think it also was a necessary part in progressing this fear. I no longer see non existance as such a bad thing, because this life is just pure suffering.
For me it did complete opposite. Or at least it made my fear of death come out. I realized I'm scared of non existance, it was a fear I didn't even realize I had, because before that trip I really didn't care whether I live or die. But I think it also was a necessary part in progressing this fear. I no longer see non existance as such a bad thing, because this life is just pure suffering.

 

[selfhazard]

No, you can't. A drug refers to a substance, besides food (and any sort of nutrient), that produces biological effects on the body. Information, trauma, and romance are not substances and junk food is food. They cannot be classified as drugs.

Your entire post seems to just be you spouting a bunch of random jargon rather than actually addressing any of the points I made directly. Saying that psychedelics don't give you answers is also not an example of a complete black and white dichotomy. Do you even understand what that even means, or are you just busy throwing around a bunch of terms you found from baby's first dictionary, lol?

Who shit in your cereal?