blackorchid
Facing the brink.
- Mar 27, 2026
- 68
yesterday, I decided to try the materials I bought to ctb and make a test. I would be alone for a couple of hours so it was safe to give it a go. there's a handrail to which I passed the rope through and then tied a noose. then slid my head inside, and held the rest of the other end with my hands.
I played around with the positioning of the noose around my neck, and eventually just let myself down to put the pressure on.
I foud the damn sweet spot.
It's really scary how shit can be over in a couple of seconds. I finally experienced the loss of sight and a complete sensation of numbness in my body. everything around me seemed to be slowing down, and I might have been there for 10 seconds before letting go of the rope. I guess it's not until you restore the oxygen supply that you realize what happened, but I freaked the fuck out. i fell down when I was about to pass out, and it took me couple of seconds to realize where I was and what had just happened. light headedness, couldn't keep standing.
it's such an euphoric state... which I kind of long for. did a couple more tries, and went in between the numbness and the bloating head feeling. I also might have missplaced the rope a fair couple of times, so now i'm left with a sore throath and a massive headache. I then ended up calling a SaSu friend who comforted me because I lost track of time until I found myself crying. SI is such a frustrating obstacle. I did not wanted to die yet, but I can see how it becomes a problem.
the exit is there and it's just a matter of time to gather courage and take it. fucking hell.
I played around with the positioning of the noose around my neck, and eventually just let myself down to put the pressure on.
I foud the damn sweet spot.
It's really scary how shit can be over in a couple of seconds. I finally experienced the loss of sight and a complete sensation of numbness in my body. everything around me seemed to be slowing down, and I might have been there for 10 seconds before letting go of the rope. I guess it's not until you restore the oxygen supply that you realize what happened, but I freaked the fuck out. i fell down when I was about to pass out, and it took me couple of seconds to realize where I was and what had just happened. light headedness, couldn't keep standing.
it's such an euphoric state... which I kind of long for. did a couple more tries, and went in between the numbness and the bloating head feeling. I also might have missplaced the rope a fair couple of times, so now i'm left with a sore throath and a massive headache. I then ended up calling a SaSu friend who comforted me because I lost track of time until I found myself crying. SI is such a frustrating obstacle. I did not wanted to die yet, but I can see how it becomes a problem.
the exit is there and it's just a matter of time to gather courage and take it. fucking hell.
