Venting processing my death

[meowzers3276]

just a random ramble i suppose, i prob wont have the best grammar because i had a long day and im also on a benzo. um but basically today i recieved one possible method and was able to open it and store it secretly (unlike before...) and i also recieved well, the benzodiazepines im using in my protocol. the method that arrived today is not very reliable and is also possibly painful, but i am willing to try it if things go left before dsl sorts out. well today i finally bought real, high grade sn, so now i'm going to wait and prepare myself for my end until it arrives. but the person who led me to dsl has passed today. it is making me process the fact it will be me some day, but i hope that they are at peace. i also feel guilt for taking "advantage" of someone who is now dead, but i suppose a lot of people on this site will end up that way regardless of if i interacted with them or not. i'm starting to seriously consider protocols to take prior to my death, and its like my mind is starting to finally separate from this world in preparation for the end. i dont think there is anything after death. so i'm just thinking about the fact that no, i cant see how anyone reacts, theres nothing after, absolutely nothing. that's exactly what i crave, i fear an after-life experience of any sort. if my first method works the way i'd like, or if the sn comes, there is no going back. it's the end. i've attempted before, and felt like i was gonna die, but all of those were impulsive. this is my first time really putting leg work into how i want to go, because i am seriously ready & not just having a 'moment'. i hope to write birthday cards for my 5 year old sister for every birthday. i tried too also to tell some of my loved ones i was feeling suicidal, around when i first started seriously researching and investing in methods. they tried to help but it just didnt move me at all, so i am pretty sure that it is my time soon. i'm 19 years old, my birthday is in october, maybe this is tmi for a forum, but i'm going to not be alive for my next birthday. so i'm also reminiscing on all of these holidays, memories, anniversaries, birthdays... the ones i've had so carelessly are going to be my last. they were happy memories though, compared to the entire rest of my life. i feel like the greatest thing i can do in life for myself & others is not to get rich, or bear children, or to go for any career or passion, but to die. i haven't felt passion or interest in anything for a while. my only interests are the internet, watching shows sometimes, sleeping, and doing drugs. i am geniunely too slow and too unmotivated to do anything that requires inner spirit. it's been beaten out of me. i tried! but i'm done now, and it's weird. i feel like telling everyone "i'm gonna die soon." at every instance, but obviously i cannot say that. so i'll tell you guys... i'm gonna die soon!

 

[meowzers3276]

maybe i'll use this thread as a diary for the days leading up to ctb. i dont know exact day because of waiting for the sn but im gonna do it on a sunday night. well today i wrote my note and wrote another to have visible at the scene for first responders (DOB, full name, contacts). i think for now all thats left is wait for the SN, and get some OTC meds a bit closer to the date. i honestly dont have any assets or a crazy amount of stuff and also dont want to have nothing if i fail, so im leaving all my stuff as-is. i'm still planning to do it in my bedroom, around midnight, i dont live with parents but i have roommates. i remember though, i had a very bad leg cramp & was yelling very loud (oops) but no one came to check. so i think some agonal breathing/retching will be ok. if anything i might block my door.

i might come and update here if my method changes, that or when i get my sn!

 

[meowzers3276]

just updating here, its midnight where j live and im worried about staying up late and ruining my sleep schedule-- then i realize doesnt matter i will be dead very soon... its kinda weird...

 

[meowzers3276]

the same blush pan ive been using for my daily makeup since i was 13 ran out... i think its a sign time is near lolz

 

[meowzers3276]

instead of enjoying life more, my depression is deteriorating as i wait, because i know the long term consequences of bad habits like drugs, being unfair to others, lying, stealing, bad diet, it wont matter. i'm not out here being a menace but i'm finding myself straight up ignoring people and being reckless because i know none of this shit matters, truly. like, i wont grow up and regret it. im gonna wait til my sn arrives to do any true prep like taking time off work selling my things etc. but for now im waking up and popping xanax and sitting in the dark til its time to go to work. and i have a voice in my head saying "what about becoming addicted, what about bad performance at work, what if people notice?" but i realize it literally DOESNT MATTER. so im sorta just letting the depression take over without worrying oh is anyone gonna notice or worrying about my future as a young adult or in any career. it's relieving to not constantly feel the burden of a future on me

 

[meowzers3276]

so i decided if my sn comes in time i'll move my day off for mothers day (shes not coming now) to the sunday prior and call my bf and breakup with him in the morning to lower chance of being discovered. maybe pretend i still had work and lock my door bc i dont live w family. but if roommates hear retching i can say im sick thru the door. but im gonna make sure to soundproof a little and maybe put somsthing heavy in front of the door. i dont want the burden of a dead gf hanging over his head i decided.

im still going to do it at midnight to lower chance of discover further but my boyfriend knows me too well so i have to have him blocked and away and it hurts but i cant be discovered no matter what. and gonna take the day off work after but tell everyone im still working. ugh i feel bad doing it so close to mothers day because people might blame her since she abused me growing up but its literally just a matter of doing it when i still have the chance

 

[meowzers3276]

two more weeks left if my sn even makes it but its already out of kyiv i think. i hope so if not maybe i'll take the amygdalin tablets with vitamin c but thats more painful and more risky. but feel like i have to do it on my day and no other day. sundays are ideal maybe if sn arrives within the week span of may 3 i'lll just do it asap. but i really wanted to do a sunday but i cant ruin mothers day, then my brother graduates saturday 16th so it would also ruin his grad to do it right after. but maybe itd be nice to see him walk the stage before i die but that just feels too soon. then in june my lease ends i'd be moving june 1st so if im really ctb i have to do it before then. i mean i'd have places to go and might just have to move anyway if my SN gets taken by customs (god forbid) but god i hope i can do it on my date. just crazy to process only 14 days of life left if things workout. maybe i try partial hang too if it comes to push and shove. thx for reading

edit my SN just left the UK or is preparing to i think so hopefully will arrive within 2 weeks :-) i decided i dont need it to be a sunday. but likely early may or in may if i cant get the SN before the 3rd or if smth comes up

 

[meowzers3276]

i just realized i dont need to research and obsess over the pain and process of SN death besides just how to make it work best. would i rather take minutes to hours of discomfort and panic, or the rest of this life miserable and ill? i know my choice... and i have confidence in it... so i feel less fear for the pain i will feel

 

[meowzers3276]

fucking boyfriend whistleblowing to my parents even tho i didnt even tell him im ctb but ive been off but my parents are the ones who made me like this why would he tell them after i opened up and it just makes me wish my sn would just get here faster. i just told him not to come over anymore and leave his texts on silent. i'm just over it man i can't take another second

 

[LastDayOnEarth]

I feel like I've already processed my death but im still here, basically a walking dead

 

[meowzers3276]

bruh i survived unscathed (from the cops) no psych ward for me nanana boo boo never telling anyone anything again and now everyone will think i turned a new leaf and maybe will suspect less if i pretend im getting help lul

 

[meowzers3276]

I feel like I've already processed my death but im still here, basically a walking dead

me too. its hard to keep the mask on as my days count down but i almost got caught

 

[meowzers3276]

so i saw my psychiatrist after months she is going to up my quetiapine dosage which actually helps my plan muehehehe. but hell who knows maybe my ctb urges are stemming from bipolar. i'll update once i switch to the higher dosage, but yay because now i have medical clearance that im not a threat, people think im turning a new leaf, AND i will have more potent dopamine blocker for the sn attempt!

the date now just fully depends on when SN arrives, but its already in the USA!!!! :D

now my plan is to play it cool til the sn arrives~

 

[meowzers3276]

i got my work schedule, someone is on vacation, so the last few days of my life will be spent wage slaving if i'm right... yay. not.

usually i do 53 hours a week between 2 jkbs but one of them is going to dramatically increase my hours from 20 a week there to... i dont even know. but she said i'd be working wednesday-saturday ans my ctb is the sunday. i have a 2nd job on wed fri sat too so yes i will quite literally be nearly slaving away in my final days.. i wish my planninf wasnt so sloppu

 

[meowzers3276]

about a week left -- i'm beginning to grieve my life as i live it, my SN is prepared for physical delivery aka in a deliver truck i think, i reconsider sometimes but i feel like i have to now :/ now or never im scared and sad.. i dont want to break up w my bf too but i have to before i ctb

 

[meowzers3276]

my SN was returned to sender because the "recipient has moved" but i literally used my real name and residential address so yeah idk if it was my family whonlives in the same building as me still and idk what to do

i might not ctb on the 3rd but if i do i'll have to find somethingneffective fast and thats hard when my access to things and privacy is so messed up

 

[slightoverlooked]

Hi ik its annoying to hear this but you are so young and I just want to offer you an open ear at least.

 

[meowzers3276]

Hi ik its annoying to hear this but you are so young and I just want to offer you an open ear at least.

thank you i love your k-angel pfp, i am reconsidering at times... but i work like a slave and i dont see my life improving especially because i have drug use tendencies and has pretty much mentally disablednmyself with suicide attempts and drug abuse when i was very very young. i just feel embarrassed to be alive every day and ever since i ""moved out"" the urge to ctb has gone up triple fold, because i cant take care of myself... and i feel hopeless and very tired a lot, i dont want to live the rest of my life like this if this is what real life is supposed to be... and i also believe i harm my loved ones by continually engaging in harmful and self destructive behavior that makes them worry and sad. i just think im one of those people who it wouldnt make a difference if they live or die.

 

[slightoverlooked]

thank you i love your k-angel pfp, i am reconsidering at times... but i work like a slave and i dont see my life improving especially because i have drug use tendencies and has pretty much mentally disablednmyself with suicide attempts and drug abuse when i was very very young. i just feel embarrassed to be alive every day and ever since i ""moved out"" the urge to ctb has gone up triple fold, because i cant take care of myself... and i feel hopeless and very tired a lot, i dont want to live the rest of my life like this if this is what real life is supposed to be... and i also believe i harm my loved ones by continually engaging in harmful and self destructive behavior that makes them worry and sad. i just think im one of those people who it wouldnt make a difference if they live or die.

I understand all of this but its not hopeless. It seems like your boyfriend cares and I know you dont want to burden your loved ones but honestly healing can be a community effort and it should be imo. Receiving love and help is valid and helped me overcome those suicidal thoughts many times. It will make a huge difference for your loved ones, trust me. You mentioned having bipolar and I am sure with the right therapy you can work on that as well but I understand how tiring it can be to even make that first step. You can always pm me!
Also if you well unsure about ctb then maybe its best to not attempt so soon. You can always hoard the SN and just use it on another day. Perhaps when you have exhausted all methods to get better.

 

[meowzers3276]

I understand all of this but its not hopeless. It seems like your boyfriend cares and I know you dont want to burden your loved ones but honestly healing can be a community effort and it should be imo. Receiving love and help is valid and helped me overcome those suicidal thoughts many times. It will make a huge difference for your loved ones, trust me. You mentioned having bipolar and I am sure with the right therapy you can work on that as well but I understand how tiring it can be to even make that first step. You can always pm me!
Also if you well unsure about ctb then maybe its best to not attempt so soon. You can always hoard the SN and just use it on another day. Perhaps when you have exhausted all methods to get better.

it's rare to hear a perspective based on community and wholeness, at least in my life, i find it hard to trust people but maybe if i let them in something could change... thank you for the perspective <3

 

[slightoverlooked]

it's rare to hear a perspective based on community and wholeness, at least in my life, i find it hard to trust people but maybe if i let them in something could change... thank you for the perspective <3

Of course! <33 My friends and situationship have showed me sm love that I am reconsidering ctb all the time. I dont want to hurt them and honestly they are so ready to help me or put me under their wings as much as I need. Obviously its not always helpful but it definitely makes it easier sometimes to be open to get better. You are so young <3 Let people love you and give yourself the chance to get better at such a young age