Suicidal thoughts have lingered for a while now, its been almos 7 years and ive only daydreamed about it and actually tried it twice.
I tried my hand with this first attemtp which failed for i thought there might still be hope to my struggles. I intended to cut my bloodflow with a shoelace(whoever has read my other threads knows its the one ive mentioned most cause of the convenience it poses), i remember the ligature marks on my neck, of course they were small and thin but gruesome and uncomfortable for reminding me how lame i was for stopping at the last minute. I recall thinking of how things could change for the better if i gave them the chance, and i really did try working to make things better but the longer i kept going the more i realized how my chances narrowed down to a bare minimum leading to my second attempt, the most serious one by far when i began absorbing the amissness of staying in this life and the possible hope of soujuring in another one.
Seeing my relative's languid expression let me knew they acknowledged something was off, hurting me for what i was about to do. I ingested about 20-30 sleeping pills ranging from run of the mill pharmaceutical to crafted kind and my focus was to die in my sleep, so i drank water in between each pill till i eventually fell asleep...unfortunately i woke up.
I Felt grogy and i had forgotten what i had done the other night but as luck would have it i didnt end up in a hospital, i couldnt have since this overdose isnt a deadly one, although my falling dizzy to such small amount of drugs allowed to come up with how feeble my body could be to defend itself if i tried it again with some better scheme as a theory.
All in all my suicidal thoughts came to a halt ever since until this moment. This hopelessness sentiment i know everyone here relates to is consuming me, ive only grown dissappointed by this society, the enforced virtue signaling and gaslighting renders me gaping yet spurring me to seek a new outcome and way to dredge myself out this plane.
I tried my hand with this first attemtp which failed for i thought there might still be hope to my struggles. I intended to cut my bloodflow with a shoelace(whoever has read my other threads knows its the one ive mentioned most cause of the convenience it poses), i remember the ligature marks on my neck, of course they were small and thin but gruesome and uncomfortable for reminding me how lame i was for stopping at the last minute. I recall thinking of how things could change for the better if i gave them the chance, and i really did try working to make things better but the longer i kept going the more i realized how my chances narrowed down to a bare minimum leading to my second attempt, the most serious one by far when i began absorbing the amissness of staying in this life and the possible hope of soujuring in another one.
Seeing my relative's languid expression let me knew they acknowledged something was off, hurting me for what i was about to do. I ingested about 20-30 sleeping pills ranging from run of the mill pharmaceutical to crafted kind and my focus was to die in my sleep, so i drank water in between each pill till i eventually fell asleep...unfortunately i woke up.
I Felt grogy and i had forgotten what i had done the other night but as luck would have it i didnt end up in a hospital, i couldnt have since this overdose isnt a deadly one, although my falling dizzy to such small amount of drugs allowed to come up with how feeble my body could be to defend itself if i tried it again with some better scheme as a theory.
All in all my suicidal thoughts came to a halt ever since until this moment. This hopelessness sentiment i know everyone here relates to is consuming me, ive only grown dissappointed by this society, the enforced virtue signaling and gaslighting renders me gaping yet spurring me to seek a new outcome and way to dredge myself out this plane.
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