Venting Predatory relationship -> looking back

[d-tea]

Sometimes I wonder if I crave chaos, strong feelings (bad and good) and deep, animalistic desire because of a toxic, abusive relationship I found myself in at the age of 14. It lasted 4 years and my "partner" was 18 when we got together.
It was very emotionally turbulent and I was taken advantage of emotionally and sexually.

My relationship with my (different!!) partner now is very low key and while we do love each other, I can't help but feel like I need and crave them more than they do me. I look back on the rocky start of our relationship and how the connection seemed so much deeper and the desire so much stronger when it actually was a really shitty time for both of us. Sometimes I still want to go back because those strong "ups" made life feel worth living, even tho the downs almost killed me several times. They say they hate even remembering that time but I find myself looking back on it fondly and sometimes missing it, because despite how much it sucked and how bad it was, I also never felt as good as how I felt when there was a good moment during that time.
Nowadays things are nice but I just want to feel that high again.
I'm not happy. I should be content and happy but I just want to feel so strongly loved like in those critical moments again. I know I am loved but somehow it is not enough. I want to feel that intimacy and closeness and want to be the most, and only, important thing for each someone, and I want someone to be the most and only important thing for me. Why am I not happy with a healthy relationship? A relationship in which there are other priorities and factors. It's reasonable.
Did I learn that that's how relationships are, and now I need unhealthy codependency to feel loved? Do I need to be preyed on in order to feel needed?
Can I ever be happy with something "normal"?

 

[MessyNonsense]

I totally relate to missing that time of your life with the high highs and the low lows. It's like you said, even though the lows were agonizing, the highs were so high that I just want to feel those again.

Based on what you've written here, it sounds clear that you were traumatized at an age when your brain was still developing, and the aftermath of that trauma is impacting your current life. It's perfectly understandable that you wouldn't feel satisfied with the way things are going now, without those highs and lows. It's not your fault.

This happens to people all the time, and it's one of the most researched and easily-fixable psycological phenomenons. Well, i say it's easily-fixable; what I mean is that the treatment to heal from it is comparatively straightforward, though from your subjective experience it will feel difficult and even painful at times (since some of what needs to be done is actually bring the trauma to the surface so it can be released. That's best done with a good therapist at your side, more on than later). If done correctly, though, it shouldn't feel so difficult that it feels impossible. It'll just be hard, as many things worth having are. But count yourself lucky that what your experiencing is a well-known phenomenon and there are certainly very good things you can do to make it stop negatively impacting your life.

So, what to do? Traditional, mainstream talk therapy where you just sit and chat with a therapist COULD be helpful for you, but here's the thing about that kind of therapy: more and more research is coming out that it really just helps people whose problem is that they don't have someone to talk to. What ACTUALLY helps the things you're describing would be things like Schema Therapy and maybe the other things listed here (Definitely do your own research; I did a quick google search bc I couldn't remember what the other acronyms for the different types of therapy were besides DBT): https://share.google/aimode/CzjZMuYTFxKoNjqyv

Another resource: https://www.columbiapsychiatry.org/news/five-different-approaches-therapy

For the actual trauma originating from the abuse (and really for any distress you currently experience): somatic release therapy, brainspotting, EMDR, EFT tapping, and various other brain-retraining and nervous-system-calming techniques. I'd be happy to give more info if you're interested.

Finding good practitioners/therapists/experts for all these forms of therapy isn't absolutely essential, but it would make your time SO much easier if you could somehow get a hold of one or two GOOD therapists who specialize in these fields. Having someone good walk you through the process just makes everything better and easier.

You can absolutely be happy with something "normal". The only reason you're not is because some bad stuff happened to your brain while it was still developing. And research keeps coming out about how our brains are much more neuroplastic, even as we get older, than we used to think. In other words, your brain is extremely capable of changing.

 

[d-tea]

I totally relate to missing that time of your life with the high highs and the low lows. It's like you said, even though the lows were agonizing, the highs were so high that I just want to feel those again.

Based on what you've written here, it sounds clear that you were traumatized at an age when your brain was still developing, and the aftermath of that trauma is impacting your current life. It's perfectly understandable that you wouldn't feel satisfied with the way things are going now, without those highs and lows. It's not your fault.

This happens to people all the time, and it's one of the most researched and easily-fixable psycological phenomenons. Well, i say it's easily-fixable; what I mean is that the treatment to heal from it is comparatively straightforward, though from your subjective experience it will feel difficult and even painful at times (since some of what needs to be done is actually bring the trauma to the surface so it can be released. That's best done with a good therapist at your side, more on than later). If done correctly, though, it shouldn't feel so difficult that it feels impossible. It'll just be hard, as many things worth having are. But count yourself lucky that what your experiencing is a well-known phenomenon and there are certainly very good things you can do to make it stop negatively impacting your life.

So, what to do? Traditional, mainstream talk therapy where you just sit and chat with a therapist COULD be helpful for you, but here's the thing about that kind of therapy: more and more research is coming out that it really just helps people whose problem is that they don't have someone to talk to. What ACTUALLY helps the things you're describing would be things like Schema Therapy and maybe the other things listed here (Definitely do your own research; I did a quick google search bc I couldn't remember what the other acronyms for the different types of therapy were besides DBT): https://share.google/aimode/CzjZMuYTFxKoNjqyv

Another resource: https://www.columbiapsychiatry.org/news/five-different-approaches-therapy

For the actual trauma originating from the abuse (and really for any distress you currently experience): somatic release therapy, brainspotting, EMDR, EFT tapping, and various other brain-retraining and nervous-system-calming techniques. I'd be happy to give more info if you're interested.

Finding good practitioners/therapists/experts for all these forms of therapy isn't absolutely essential, but it would make your time SO much easier if you could somehow get a hold of one or two GOOD therapists who specialize in these fields. Having someone good walk you through the process just makes everything better and easier.

You can absolutely be happy with something "normal". The only reason you're not is because some bad stuff happened to your brain while it was still developing. And research keeps coming out about how our brains are much more neuroplastic, even as we get older, than we used to think. In other words, your brain is extremely capable of changing.

Thank you, that's very validating and helpful haha. I know I would benefit from therapy. I had an initial conversation with a therapist like half a year ago. It's difficult to actually find a long term therapy spot and I can't muster up the motivation to call places and let myself be put on a waitlist.

 

[MessyNonsense]

Thank you, that's very validating and helpful haha. I know I would benefit from therapy. I had an initial conversation with a therapist like half a year ago. It's difficult to actually find a long term therapy spot and I can't muster up the motivation to call places and let myself be put on a waitlist.

Totally with you on the lack of motivation. I saw in the other forum your post about ways to increase motivation and my two cents on that would be to try homeopathics or flower essences. Those are the methods that have the best ratio of low effort, high gain, imo. The Bach flower essence website has guides on which ones go with which symptoms. The Flower Essence Services website has resources, too. I did a search for "motivation" on another company's website, here: https://www.desert-alchemy.com/keyword/motivation/ As for homeopathy, it can be done by yourself or alongside a practitioner. I know this stuff is stigmatized as being "hippie crap" with a lot of supposed "experts" saying they don't work, but I can tell you honestly from personal experience that they do (and there's mountains of actual research that backs me up). They weren't enough for me but they might give you the motivation you need to start on the other stuff.
Quick PSA: if you do end up trying to find a practitioner for homeopathy, be aware that while these things ARE legit, it's a field that attracts a lot of, yes, crazy hippies and charlatains. So don't go with just anybody - the flower essence companies I mentioned are legit ones, and a homeopathy practice called Resilience Naturopathic is legit, they're who I used to see, and they're happy to do appointments over zoom. Even if they can't see you they'll probably be able to recommend another legitimate practice.