Venting Positive feedback loop of ideation

[SanagiMezamete]

I'm so avoidant and lazy and I hate it. I always wait to address things until it's way too late, and by then I just want to CTB out of shame and frustration for being so useless.

This has been a pattern all my life but it just happened again and I wasn't in a good state of mind to deal with it.

Recently I let a lot of people down, including myself, even though the inconvenience was trivial and it feels dumb that it triggered suicidal thoughts in me. But it's not this incident in particular, it's yet another entry in a long list of occurrences and it's hard to keep dealing with.

I could have prevented it so easily, but instead I'm selfish and decided to sit around doing nothing but thinking about killing myself all day. Instead of putting in 1 of work. Maybe 2 hours tops. Even right now I'm on this forum talking about myself instead of doing anything.

It might not be intentional or malicious, but I'm fully aware of what is happening in the moment. I always think, "I could solve this problem right now, but I really want to do nothing instead. Why am I doing this to myself?" and then I do nothing.

I don't mean to put down anyone who has done the same thing by the way. I'm sure there are others here who struggle with motivation and inaction from depression and suicidal thoughts. I just need to get these thoughts of self hatred out of my head. I am so disappointed in myself right now. I wish I was better than the way I am.

 

[meowme0w]

this is so insanely relatable it's scary, I feel like i'm reading something written by me! I really wish i could help you, but i have no idea how to stop sitting around all day doing nothing. If you ever figure it out hit me up...

But seriously, I hope you can heal one day, I hope this gets better for you. Good luck, wishing you all the best

 

[SanagiMezamete]

this is so insanely relatable it's scary, I feel like i'm reading something written by me! I really wish i could help you, but i have no idea how to stop sitting around all day doing nothing. If you ever figure it out hit me up...

But seriously, I hope you can heal one day, I hope this gets better for you. Good luck, wishing you all the best

I will let you know if I do! I hoped seeing this pattern and knowing the consequences of inaction would be enough to sway me but it never seems to work out that way.

In hindsight I didn't deserve to feel so guilty for being mentally incapacitated. I actually tried to do the work I referenced since writing the OP and was completely unable to finish after two hours of trying. It was cathartic to say exactly how I viewed myself in one of my low moments though.

Thank you so much for your compassionate response! It makes me feel less weird and alone. I hope reading it helped you a little too. I was really close to impulsively deleting the thread shortly after making it but I'm glad I didn't.

 

[meowme0w]

I will let you know if I do! I hoped seeing this pattern and knowing the consequences of inaction would be enough to sway me but it never seems to work out that way.

In hindsight I didn't deserve to feel so guilty for being mentally incapacitated. I actually tried to do the work I referenced since writing the OP and was completely unable to finish after two hours of trying. It was cathartic to say exactly how I viewed myself in one of my low moments though.

Yeah, that's actually super great! Any action is better than none, especially when any action at all is already so difficult, you did good

Thank you so much for your compassionate response! It makes me feel less weird and alone. I hope reading it helped you a little too. I was really close to impulsively deleting the thread shortly after making it but I'm glad I didn't.

Honestly same!! I always feel bad about being this way, and it only makes me feel worse when i see everyone else be able to do so much, even despite all their struggles. Of course I don't want you to suffer with this, but at the same time I really am glad not to be the only one

I'm glad you didn't delete this, if nothing else it did at least make me feel a bit better haha, and now you know you're also not alone with this! I'm sure both of us can one day get through this, at least I hope so! Until then just keep going one step at a time, and sometimes there may not even be any steps at all which is also okay :)