(POLL) what stopped you from ctb?

[what]

only 1 answer. if you had more than 1 factor, pick the one that affected you the most.

guilt (option 2) and shame (option 6) might seem similar, but they're different. guilt is about how your actions might affect others, like family or friends, while shame is about how you judge yourself for feeling this way or for struggling at all.

 

[MathConspiracy]

I thought that I should at least try to seek help…

 

[Lostmyonlyson]

My cats, who is going to take care of them?

 

[what]

I thought that I should at least try to seek help…

thats a healthy mindset : )
how did it go?

 

[MathConspiracy]

thats a healthy mindset : )
how did it go?

I've tried seeking help on multiple occasions but I've always pussied out from the appointments. So it seems like I'm scared of both life and death.

 

[what]

I've tried seeking help on multiple occasions but I've always pussied out from the appointments. So it seems like I'm scared of both life and death.

i know that feeling. ive also turned down therapy when it was offered by family members, partly because i have a personal bias against therapists, i feel like they aren't that effective for a lot of reasons. have you ever tried psychedelics like shrooms or LSD? those do a lot more than anything else in terms of mentally healing, and they're pretty much impossible to get addicted to. they're more like medicine than the average recreational drugs

 

[Xiaojiu]

I've tried seeking help on multiple occasions but I've always pussied out from the appointments. So it seems like I'm scared of both life and death.

It's okay! I'm glad that you are thinking of trying to seek help though.

 

[MathConspiracy]

i know that feeling. ive also turned down therapy when it was offered by family members, partly because i have a personal bias against therapists, i feel like they aren't that effective for a lot of reasons. have you ever tried psychedelics like shrooms or LSD? those do a lot more than anything else in terms of mentally healing, and they're pretty much impossible to get addicted to. they're more like medicine than the average recreational drugs

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I've always wanted to try psychedelics. Many people online say that they've gotten back their will to live when trying these substances. Unfortunately I live in a country with extremely strict drug laws so I'm not willing to risk prison.

Have you tried them?

 

[what]

Sorry to hear about your situation.

I've always wanted to try psychedelics. Many people online say that they've gotten back their will to live when trying these substances. Unfortunately I live in a country with extremely strict drug laws so I'm not willing to risk prison.

Have you tried them?

i can relate to the part about strict drug laws, i live in the middle east, where just a few decades ago, being caught with drugs could actually get you executed. things have changed a bit since then, especially as the region modernized to become more tourist friendly. now possession usually leads to jail time, fines, or deportation, especially if it's for personal use.

that didn't stop me and my cousin tho, we ended up ordering a small amount of LSD from a reliable source on the darknet after reading good reviews from a darknet forum that said it ships to our country with excellent stealth. (not sure if i can share the marketplace name publicly here, but if you're really interested, i could send it privately. it ships everywhere).

it took ages to arrive, but when it finally did, the packaging was so well stealthed that we actually spent a while just admiring the creativity behind it. once we had everything ready, we went to a nearby park around midnight when no one was around, brought our headphones and some snacks, and finally took the acid.

the experience was surreal. out of this world. music wasn't just something i heard; it was something i lived inside. every track felt like a new dimension i could explore. we felt deeply connected to everything around us, what people call "ego death." we weren't individuals anymore; we were just part of everything: the trees, the grass, the flowers.

we couldn't stop laughing, and somewhere deep inside me, i kept feeling this sense in me: anxiety and worry are manmade illusions, and i'd be a fool to give them power. i genuinely felt like everything would be okay.

that was the only time ive ever tripped on acid. but i'm definitely looking forward to the next one, if i could make it hopefully. it was years ago and the sorrow is starting to return.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I didn't want to die but seemingly the circumstances left no other option but to die to be relieved - the permanent solution to permanent problems. That doesn't make it easier if I don't want to die. However, there was probably also a tiny bit of hope left and also some fear of it going wrong. My chosen method was CO with charcoal in my bathroom but ultimately I didn't light the charcoal.

 

[Forveleth]

Tried partial but SI kept waking me up.

I also did have a previously failed method with chloroform because I was an idiot and did no research.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

Timing and circumstances. The decision to ctb came after I organised everything to leave my country for good, with not enough time for SN delivery. Since I left, I've been in limbo and with no delivery address, hoping to survive financially until I can order.

 

[FoxSauce]

Moslty out of fear and o don't wanna traumatize anyone of guilt and well i don't want my family to feel grief

I dont wanna scar anyone.
It can be impulsively as well so dunno

 

[NekoRightsActivist]

I voted for "numbness" don't really have any concrete plan to ctb right now although I can't see myself living pass my 30s.

 

[MindFog]

I got medication that finally worked for me. You don't really until you just realize you're not thinking about suicide for a month or so..

I still don't feel like "me" tho.. I feel like I'm just moving this foreign body rn. It's weird.

 

[FuneralCry]

I only suffer as I'm so cruelly denied a guaranteed way to just cease existing in peace, it's so dreadful and horrible to me how we exist in this reality where the torture and suffering of existing is seen as to force and prolong no matter what, I'd just never wish for any of this rather all I hope for is non-existence. I just want to never suffer ever again but of course the suffering of this cruel, torturous existence just continues, for me non-existence really is all that's desirable and is the only peace, existence to me really does feel like the most terrible tragic mistake and I'd just always prefer to not exist than be conscious suffering so much burdened with this existence.

 

[Emma Goldman]

I've tried seeking help on multiple occasions but I've always pussied out from the appointments. So it seems like I'm scared of both life and death.

I am on a mood stabiliser; i am engaging with a crisis service/mental health team and i am awaiting my 3rd attempt at therapy; so i am trying to survive; but i am deeply ambivalent about this, and am consumed by guilt and shame; the pendulum is swinging in favour of ending my life.

I am on a mood stabiliser; i am engaging with a crisis service/mental health team and i am awaiting my 3rd attempt at therapy; so i am trying to survive; but i am deeply ambivalent about this, and am consumed by guilt and shame; the pendulum is swinging in favour of ending my life.

I would encourage you to at least try therapy; it may transform your life and save you from catastrophic self harm.

 

[broken_stoic]

First - fear of death and the possibility of something after (even though I don't logically believe in it). Second - Survival instinct (probably the first one is part of this). Third - lack of high enough cognitive function to have the death I wanted.

Now: I finally found hope, a purpose, and a therapist who gets it and supports me.

 

[LostLily]

Getting my SN confiscated by customs and getting admitted to the psych ward.

 

[milkteacrown]

Numbness and what's after death. If I have SI before I die, and there is no afterlife, then my last moments will be panic and pain.

 

[Unhumanly.]

I have so many failed attempt before, so I'm worrying about this next attempt I'll go with

 

[-nobodyknows-]

The biggest one for me was having someone that was there for me. Unfortunately, that person is no longer in my life.

 

[Forever Sleep]

At the moment, it's guilt about the thought of hurting my Dad. When he's gone, I'm worried fear of a attempt/ failing an attempt will then hold me back but I guess, I won't know till the time comes.

 

[Apathy79]

"What if I do it and the pain goes away tomorrow" until it went away.

 

[Scenegirlshooter]

I was thirteen, and it was purely the thought of getting out of my parents house that saved me.

 

[brokenspirited]

what about lack of resources/supplies needed?

 

[onmywaytothebusstop]

The hospital.

 

[ssUser34]

I had the rope around my neck and was kneeling down and trying to succeed with partial, but I couldnt seem to pass out, it started getting scary and painful. Probably didnt locate the carotid arteries correctly. Ultimately I sat in the forest for a while and regained some will to go home and try to continue living again.

 

[polm]

Hanging is my only option. I'm in poor health so fearful of making myself worse. I can only manage partial due to circumstances.

 

[timechained]

I am convinced that somehow my dreams (I wish I remembered them) stopped me from CTB. They are the only changing variable in my otherwise monotonous life.

I had the rope around my neck and was kneeling down and trying to succeed with partial, but I couldnt seem to pass out, it started getting scary and painful. Probably didnt locate the carotid arteries correctly. Ultimately I sat in the forest for a while and regained some will to go home and try to continue living again.

I totally feel this. I spent hours wandering around looking for the right trees to hang myself. Partial is difficult to pass out and practicing full hang sucks (choking on your tongue is not pleasant at all).