have been a neet for 10 years, since i was 10 years old. i "study" but what that really means is i google answers to online quizzes that are somehow meant to be a substitute for a high school education. after this long, what i "do" every day is mostly wake up early in the morning because my parents fighting disrupts my sleep, then i fall asleep again because i'm too lazy to get out of bed, then i wake up again a few hours later. then i shamble over to this computer room, sit down, and feel my brain disintegrate in real time over the next 12+ hours, then go back to bed. i am delivered food (whenever we have it) by my mom. i do not act or think or feel like a human being. i have no concepts of wants or needs or boundaries. everything i do is done to sidestep potential chain reactions, my brain is a minefield. CTB seems to me like the only way to truly "leave" all of this, because the problem was never just this specific situation. neetdom is just one slice of the huge, awful pie. becoming a quasi-normal dumb human isn't going to change the fact that:
1: my parents had absolutely no idea what to do when raising a child, and their parents most likely didn't give them the emotional/psychological/financial tools required to do it. we always talk about my life and my "future" like it's a taboo thing, a dirty secret. and it more or less is. they know they fucked up on some vague level but don't even seem capable of analyzing this on a level beyond "we did bad thing". in his many drug-induced hazes, my father comes to me with so many exciting ideas about the future, the life he could never live. talking to me about getting a driver's license and buying a car (we can barely afford food and toilet paper is a luxury, by the way), barely capable of even articulating his braindead ideas and leaving all the "research" to me. he asks me "what're you gonna do, man?" as if that's a thing worth asking after a full decade has passed. in this world, you can spend your entire life never knowing even a single second of what most people claim is normal and good, things they couldn't even imagine living without, and there is no reason this happens. there is no reason anything happens. i spent 10 years in front of a computer and no one has anything to show or say for it, least of all me. just pissed away the most important formative stages of my life and replaced it all with a giant conveyor belt of internet trash. for no reason. i now know that things like this can just happen and i'm supposed to spend the rest of my life believing that they don't. that there's a reason for everything, that god has a plan, that there's always hope. i can't.
2: my isolation has helped me become even more of a shockingly repulsive existence. nothing about me or my environment is normal. being relocated to an environment more customary to real people would possibly kill me. having all my ineptitude and insane habits and possible retardation laid bare in front of people who at some point believed i was normal. i don't even know the full extent of the brain damage this isolation has caused and i'm terrified because i KNOW i'll find out eventually if i don't end it soon. i feel like me just existing around other people is an insult to them. a sentient bundle of "creepy guy" red flags. so many parts of me are freakishly undeveloped and childish and innappropriate. nothing good comes from trying to listen to or understand me, i unfortunately know this from experience. i'm just a black hole. sometimes suicide almost seems like an act of mercy towards me, my parents, the people i'll never get to hurt now. causing suffering to prevent more suffering, i guess.
this does not even scratch near the surface but it's the two reasons related to neetdom i can think of right now. i assure you there are many more.
