LilGhost
Shark
- Apr 8, 2026
- 97
Idk. Please help with any ideas over what I wrote here. Last paragraph basically summarizes everything but above shit gives more context
Answer could be wrong and stupid. Just I need some push to help my brain start working again. Like…. I feel like everything is so surreal. I can barely sleep. I can't focus my thoughts. I live every day as a last one. I live in fear. In fear of getting a message from my parents. In guilt. My electricity got cut off. I am on a summer break but I can't find a job (adding context: I am disabled both mentally and physically, which doesn't mean I can't work at all, it's just that lots of jobs requiring physical labor or lots of walking are off the table even if I'd push myself through this). I feel to overstimulated to go outside, but my state worsening from not seeing people
I've been planning my ctb for a month. But now that time has come I am sad. I could have help change the world. Continue with my activism, actually make it big. I could have abort current bachelor and go with smth that's actually related to what I like. Marine biology. I could have actually learn to enjoy the world despite my disabilities. I am just in an unfortunate deadline and the clock is ticking
But I am tired of even breathing. I just want to confess all the shitty things that's going on to my friends and ask for an advice and help but…. I know it will hurt them. I know it will be manipulative. I know they have their own shit on their plate. I tried cutting off contact with all of my friends, but he is the only one who stayed after it and I am to soft to cause him more harm by being very mean
Idunno. I just texted him asking how his mental health is and he said shitty. So I know that for a fact. As well as I can't help him. So confessing how I'm on edge of ctb would be wrong of me. How i couldn't normally partial hang just like two days ago and now i will have to use the bridge. How if i could stay a night at his to finally get some fucking sleep. It would just put more of a pressure on him and pain. Ig finding out your friend is already dead isn't a walk in a park either. But I can just not send him any goodbye letter. How long would it take to notice? Probably weeks, mb month. Probably once summer is over he will for sure start figuring pieces together. But there is no guarantee (and if I'm being honest high chances that nothing will change) once he'll find out he'd be in a better state. I dunno. I need help to find morally best choice that's won't fuck me up entirely (which means living my life the way it is, fighting my shit alone (I'd be homeless or end up with my parents where my mother touches me inappropriately and shit like that) and abound ctb ideas- is off the table). And I can't really think for myself alone as for… I am kinda shitty and it's to loud and spinning in my head
Idk. Should I try forging my disappearance? I fear his smarter then believing that I got money from my ass to leave for another country which won't be my parents (which he knows I'd chose death over visiting)
Or should I just turn in myself to a mental hospital? I know they are shitty, but it would give me a temporary shelter while I apply for a refugee (I study in Canada but I am international student. I do have grounds for refugee tho). Considering my insurance (which is active until aug 31 2026, then I have to pay it with my college bill, which I won't be able to afford if I choose to separate from my family) I can stay, considering the cheapest stay for like 2months there as I read the cheapest would be 800bucks per night. I am also afab and look feminine and young so I'd be fucked if I were to become homeless (also shelters are lowkey full….). And I don't have a car. And then I am not sure what will happen to my electronics. And then ig I won't be able to both work (to be able to afford the rent) and be in the mental hospital at the same time which means if I succeed to get refugee, I'd still need to couch serf or be homeless, so it feels like just avoiding inevitable. And also probably that will be harder to follow up my refugee case from mental hospital
I just really can't think. So any thoughts/advices be appreciated
In simpler/more structured way: I feel like I have little to no choice but to ctb due to multiple reasons and that's time sensitive because my parents want me in my home country for the summer, but I'd rather die then see them again. I've been preparing ti ctb for over a month, but if I could get rid of being in a time pickle with death, I'd be delighted. I have a friend, I couldn't rlly push away and I really want the best for. He is in a shitty mental state, so complaining about mine and asking for help would be inconsiderate and might make him worse by making him feel stressed out as his friends life is on the line. But just go with ctb (and making him find it out on his own) would still be shitty as the time when he'd find it out, he still might (and I feel like high chances will) still be in not good mental state. I can't help him to get better. He'd feel sad about me being dead. He said before he'd want to help me, knows about my ctb ideations, even offer to couchserf at his while I'd figure refugee shit out and get stable, but I know that if I'd accept, I would put him in trouble as I am in a tough relationship with his sister (my ex best friend, who betrayed me with who we were supposed to be in okay relationship, but she chose to act like everything is okay, but then making him uncomfortable for having me over) and she might put him under a stress as she don't like when I am over. Idk. I don't want to inconvenience him by accepting the offer. I also know that I will have nowhere else to go. So I am not sure what would be worser: consequences of me staying over or him having a dead friend. He is to smart to believe I just left somewhere and cut off contacts. Like…. I don't want to appear to be greedy or not appreciative. I am very grateful that I have such a best friend as him, who's ready to help this much and I wish I could help him too…. I just know with his situation I just physically not able to. That's why I am looking for ways to be the least of a burden and inconvenience. Again…. Any advice appreciated. Thanks for reading this
Answer could be wrong and stupid. Just I need some push to help my brain start working again. Like…. I feel like everything is so surreal. I can barely sleep. I can't focus my thoughts. I live every day as a last one. I live in fear. In fear of getting a message from my parents. In guilt. My electricity got cut off. I am on a summer break but I can't find a job (adding context: I am disabled both mentally and physically, which doesn't mean I can't work at all, it's just that lots of jobs requiring physical labor or lots of walking are off the table even if I'd push myself through this). I feel to overstimulated to go outside, but my state worsening from not seeing people
I've been planning my ctb for a month. But now that time has come I am sad. I could have help change the world. Continue with my activism, actually make it big. I could have abort current bachelor and go with smth that's actually related to what I like. Marine biology. I could have actually learn to enjoy the world despite my disabilities. I am just in an unfortunate deadline and the clock is ticking
But I am tired of even breathing. I just want to confess all the shitty things that's going on to my friends and ask for an advice and help but…. I know it will hurt them. I know it will be manipulative. I know they have their own shit on their plate. I tried cutting off contact with all of my friends, but he is the only one who stayed after it and I am to soft to cause him more harm by being very mean
Idunno. I just texted him asking how his mental health is and he said shitty. So I know that for a fact. As well as I can't help him. So confessing how I'm on edge of ctb would be wrong of me. How i couldn't normally partial hang just like two days ago and now i will have to use the bridge. How if i could stay a night at his to finally get some fucking sleep. It would just put more of a pressure on him and pain. Ig finding out your friend is already dead isn't a walk in a park either. But I can just not send him any goodbye letter. How long would it take to notice? Probably weeks, mb month. Probably once summer is over he will for sure start figuring pieces together. But there is no guarantee (and if I'm being honest high chances that nothing will change) once he'll find out he'd be in a better state. I dunno. I need help to find morally best choice that's won't fuck me up entirely (which means living my life the way it is, fighting my shit alone (I'd be homeless or end up with my parents where my mother touches me inappropriately and shit like that) and abound ctb ideas- is off the table). And I can't really think for myself alone as for… I am kinda shitty and it's to loud and spinning in my head
Idk. Should I try forging my disappearance? I fear his smarter then believing that I got money from my ass to leave for another country which won't be my parents (which he knows I'd chose death over visiting)
Or should I just turn in myself to a mental hospital? I know they are shitty, but it would give me a temporary shelter while I apply for a refugee (I study in Canada but I am international student. I do have grounds for refugee tho). Considering my insurance (which is active until aug 31 2026, then I have to pay it with my college bill, which I won't be able to afford if I choose to separate from my family) I can stay, considering the cheapest stay for like 2months there as I read the cheapest would be 800bucks per night. I am also afab and look feminine and young so I'd be fucked if I were to become homeless (also shelters are lowkey full….). And I don't have a car. And then I am not sure what will happen to my electronics. And then ig I won't be able to both work (to be able to afford the rent) and be in the mental hospital at the same time which means if I succeed to get refugee, I'd still need to couch serf or be homeless, so it feels like just avoiding inevitable. And also probably that will be harder to follow up my refugee case from mental hospital
I just really can't think. So any thoughts/advices be appreciated
In simpler/more structured way: I feel like I have little to no choice but to ctb due to multiple reasons and that's time sensitive because my parents want me in my home country for the summer, but I'd rather die then see them again. I've been preparing ti ctb for over a month, but if I could get rid of being in a time pickle with death, I'd be delighted. I have a friend, I couldn't rlly push away and I really want the best for. He is in a shitty mental state, so complaining about mine and asking for help would be inconsiderate and might make him worse by making him feel stressed out as his friends life is on the line. But just go with ctb (and making him find it out on his own) would still be shitty as the time when he'd find it out, he still might (and I feel like high chances will) still be in not good mental state. I can't help him to get better. He'd feel sad about me being dead. He said before he'd want to help me, knows about my ctb ideations, even offer to couchserf at his while I'd figure refugee shit out and get stable, but I know that if I'd accept, I would put him in trouble as I am in a tough relationship with his sister (my ex best friend, who betrayed me with who we were supposed to be in okay relationship, but she chose to act like everything is okay, but then making him uncomfortable for having me over) and she might put him under a stress as she don't like when I am over. Idk. I don't want to inconvenience him by accepting the offer. I also know that I will have nowhere else to go. So I am not sure what would be worser: consequences of me staying over or him having a dead friend. He is to smart to believe I just left somewhere and cut off contacts. Like…. I don't want to appear to be greedy or not appreciative. I am very grateful that I have such a best friend as him, who's ready to help this much and I wish I could help him too…. I just know with his situation I just physically not able to. That's why I am looking for ways to be the least of a burden and inconvenience. Again…. Any advice appreciated. Thanks for reading this
