Please help me to wait for my SN and not go under a train RN

[Emily123]

I'm depressed "for real" since like 9 years. Saw my first psy and had my first benzos soon 9 years ago. I was 18. But my wish to die is way older than that. I started to" draw" things on my arms when I was like 13/14. Hit wall around 16. So yeah, this is quite deep in me.

But thanks anyways for your advices.

Yeah I'm praying all I can that it will be there before the end of next week. Else it's too much to manage. It means i would have to "survive" the whole week at work. To see my mailbox empty every evening. To be alone in my place every evening. To go to my familly for Christmas and do like everything is perfectly fine. Then go to GER and spend maybe a week there, to see my bestfriend one last time. Well, that part could be the last nice thing. And then come back hoping the stuff is here..
I don't want all of this to happen
I want to be gone before the end of the week.

I am going to work and it i also very annoying . There are some people who do whatever that they can that I lose my job in these last days of my life . it is not important for me anymore but the only concern that they have is I can get results from the projects but they can not . They spend all the day talking rubbish in the meeting and I do the job . It is not my primary reason but one reason that I am going to kill myelf is I don't want to deal with awful people anymore